Ummm, these guys are kind of evil: My review of Those Guys Have All The Fun: Inside the World of ESPN

Those Guys Have All the Fun: Inside the World of ESPN by James Andrew Miller

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

This was essentially two books in one, and was wildly uneven. The first hundred pages or so were the grindingly slow recap of the origins of ESPN, and the detailed description of chasing down financing and pricing out satellite transponders was less than riveting. (Having said that, I am now well prepared to start a fledgling cable company, and am currently finalizing a bid to purchase the rights to broadcast old episodes of Entertainment Tonight.) I am not one to flip ahead in a book that I'm reading, but even I couldn't help nosing ahead for a few pages as my eyelids got heavier. This section should have been pared down a lot - this section gets 2 stars, and that's being charitable.

Fortunately, my patience was rewarded, as the narrative turned to the personalities behind the network. (Spoilers!) Keith Olbermann is a sociopath! Bob Ley is a blowhard! Mike Tirico is such a gentleman that he'll follow you home even after you tell him to stay the hell away from you! Michelle Beadle hates Erin Andrews! Chris Berman can't string two words together without one of them being "fuck"! Bill Simmons is surprisingly candid and insightful! Nobody, and I mean nobody comes off well from this book, and the strength of this section is not only how Shales and Miller were able to somehow get these personalities to admit so much on the record, but to contextualize the quotes in such a way that they paint a much broader picture. This section gets 4 stars, and that's being conservative.

Shales and Miller wrote one of the best oral histories I've ever read in Live From Saturday Night, and the big difference here is that book is much more personality driven, which appears to play to their strength; by choosing to spend so much time on the relatively dry background material, this book fell a bit short of that high standard.

S&M Tuedays

This entry probably qualifies as a creative risk.

Several years ago, I was reading a blog by Grant Morrison, who is, among many other things, a brilliant writer of screenplays and comic books. One of his entries recounted a brief conversation with one of his friends about whether certain comic book characters were sadists, and which other characters were masochists. It was a probably less than 200 words, but it was something I found both hilarious and strangely insightful, and it stuck with me for a long time. And as I continued to think about it, I came to the startling realization that pretty much everyone I have every encountered could probably fall into one of those two categories.

Of course, I can’t really write a blog entry about which of my friends are sadists and which are masochists? Or can I?

No, I can’t. While it would be delightfully funny, it would probably cost me all of my friends and be the last blog that I ever write. So I won’t do that one….

Instead, I welcome you to my new weekly feature, in which I take a page from the esteemed Mr. Morrison and analyze which of my favorite fictional characters are sadists, and which ones are masochists!

(Why yes, I did go to 12 years of Catholic school. Why do you ask?)

First, some ground rules.

(Why must my entries always have ground rules? Can‘t I just write something straightforward? 50 DVR shows? What‘s on television at 3:15 in the morning? Sadomasochistic tendencies of fictional characters? What the fuck?!? Why can‘t I just go back to writing a good old fashioned NFL hate blog, like God intended?)

My apologies for the brief interruption by my internal dialogue.

For the purposes of this entry, a sadist is someone who derives pleasure from causing pain to someone. A masochist is someone who derives pleasure from receiving pain from someone. For those of you who disagree with my simplistic definitions, please note that, my goal, as always, is to cast aspersions on as many people as possible while at the same time doing a minimal amount of research, if any. My research for this article consisted of one and a half paragraphs of a Wikipedia entry.
　
So without further ado, our first installment will be about characters of the show Lost!
Lost is a good example to start with, as it focused on multi-layered characters whose characterization remained consistent throughout the series. And more importantly, there was plenty of violence and mayhem. (Not that violence and mayhem are necessarily vital, as you will see in upcoming weeks.) I’ll go character by character, and like every good Lost recap, I’ll start with…

…Jack Sheppard - Jack is the ostensible leader of the castaways. Jack is a selfless martyr, who is willing to face any hardship and take on any burden for his fellow castaways. He is also made sure that all of the castaways were fully aware of every single moment of every single sacrifice hat he ever makes. Masochist, and a vocal one at that.

Sawyer Ford - Sawyer loves his stealing, and he loves his guns. Sawyer is also to blaming others as Jack is to unnecessary and annoying self sacrifice. Sadist.

Kate Austen - Kate spent the better part of 6 seasons pitting Jack and Sawyer against each other to compete for her affections. She also seems to have a strong aversion to cages and handcuffs, as she tried to escape them at every opportunity. Oh yeah, she also blew up a house while her stepfather was inside. And she stole Claire’s baby. Sadist. And violent.

John Locke - Oooooh, this is a tough one. Locke has the same martyr complex as Jack. And he spent the first 40 years of his like being bullied and manipulated by others. But he also carries around a lot of shiny knives, and frequently throws them at friend and foe alike. I’ll go with the preponderance of the evidence and vote masochist.

Sayid Jarrah - Sayid was a professional torturer for the Republican guard! Sadist. Enough of a sadist that he would be overqualified for any type of mid-level sadist position. (What the hell kind of company would have any kind of sadist position, let alone a mid-level one?)

Ben Linus - This is an easy one - did anyone on the show, or pretty much anyone in television history, get the shit kicked out of themselves more than Ben Linus? He even submitted to having surgery performed on him by his mortal enemy! Of course, Ben’s constant beatings almost inevitably benefited him; and on several occasions, he purposefully initiated them. Ben is a proactive masochist.

Hurley Reyes - Oh look at Hurley, just standing there in the background with that innocent look on his face while all of his friends were getting beaten up and killed around him. Now look at Hurley, the last man standing, because everyone else is dead or dying, just like we should have known all along. Sadit. In fact, this master manipulator was probably the most sadistic fuck on this list.

There you have it boppers, an inappropriate deconstruction of one of your favorite shows. Please feel free to suggest any shows, movies, books, etc for future Tuesday blog entries.

Just don’t suggest any real people.
　

Thoughts During the Long Weekend

Part 5 is on the way next week, but in the mean time, some quick thoughts:

- After scoring two runs in two games against the worst team in baseball, the Phillies are officially in a tailspin. While I can't argue with the trade for Halladay, some of the pieces that were traded away would have fit in nicely right about now. I won't get into that too much, because I am a.) not in a Phillies bashing mood just yet, and b.) I am not smart enough to write about baseball. However, the Phillies travails will put me into a foul mood going into the Eagles season, and my usual September optimism will probably last until about 4:25 EST on September 12th.

- The Eagles new quarterback is going to be Kevin Kolb. After careful consideration, I find myself predisposed to hating him. More on this in a later post.

- It's 2010 and I still can't watch 10 minutes of soccer without dozing off. I'm not getting any more tolerant, so if it's not happening now, it's not going to happen. Sorry, 96% of my friends along with the rest of the world.

That's all for now; have a great 4th of July weekend!

The Continuing Adventures of the DVR Kid, Part 4

After the last entry I was flying high; I’ve been cutting TV shows left and right, and my newfound efficiency had made me nothing short of superhuman. Or so I thought, as I ran through the DVR list before writing this entry. When I opened the DVR menu, I noticed that there were 38 shows remaining. But wait, didn’t I start with 50 shows? And didn’t I cut 14 shows? How did I end up with 38 shows? It must be a mistake. So I counted again. And counted again. And counted again. And then I came to a realization.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

SOMEONE WAS ADDING NEW SHOWS!

Noooooooooooooooooooooo!

Betrayed! Betrayal most foul! Who could be the vile fiend that would add shows to the DVR, knowing full well that I’ve typed the equivalent 7 single spaced pages about trying to make my life better?!? Was it an inside job? I know for a fact that 100% of the people who live in my house read my blog, and are totally aware of the importance of what I’m doing. Obviously it couldn’t any of them. Could one of my enemies have read this blog, and, fearing that I would destroy them with my new super efficiency, broke into my home, and re-programmed my DVR to add new shows, making me 20% less efficient? Perhaps a review of the two new shows themselves will grant insight as to who was behind this monstrous deed.

Bonus show #31 - Bethanny’s Getting Married. I seriously underestimated someone. Whoever added this show must really have a problem with these last few blog entries. I know absolutely nothing about this show except for the title. Judging from the title alone, there is an excellent chance that Kristen may actually be the executive producer of this show. You know, it’s almost enough to make me think that maybe Kristen might know more than she‘s letting on…no, that’s impossible. It was an intruder. An evil intruder. Cut, because there’s no fucking way a show called Bethanny’s Getting Married stays on my DVR, no matter who is producing it.

Bonus show #32 - True Life. Do you really think you can fool me with a reality show disguised as a documentary? Especially one about boring people? Here are some of the upcoming episodes: “I’m Addicted To Drugs.” “I‘m White Trash.” “I‘m Addicted to Licking Starfishes.” “I’m Addicted to Banality.” “I’m Addicted to Purple.” “I’m Too Poor For Liposuction, And Too Lazy To Exercise, So I‘m Going To Wear This 19th Century Victorian Corset For The Rest Of My Life.” Well, I‘ll give them points for creativity. But really, cut.

Ahh, I feel my efficiency returning already! Now that we’ve gotten this nonsense out of the way, let’s get rolling, boppers. Here are shows 31-40:

31. Glee - Let’s see, high school centric, filled with singing and musical numbers and silly teen melodrama. Anyone who has read this blog would have no illusions about who added this one, because it’s like they designed a show just for me to hate, right? Right? Wrong. I love Glee. I love Brittany the Cheerleader. I love Puck, the unrepentant jock. And most of all, I love the iconic Sue Sylvester, one of the great fictional characters of our time or any other. I stand before you revealed, an unapologetic Gleek. Keep.

While we’re on the subject, there is a certain former co-worker of mine who “doesn’t have time” to watch Glee, even though she would probably love it. Confidential to said person: if you don’t start watching Glee next season, I will reveal, in the pages of this blog, the controversial ending to Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, which I have on good authority that you have not read yet. Don’t you dare test me!

And yes, I mean you Jeneen.

32. Michael and Michael Have Issues - In 1993, during my freshman year in college, there was a sketch comedy show on MTV called The State. I had never seen anything like it. It was made up of nothing but non-sequitors, nonsense, and meanness. Nothing would ever be the same for me again, and in some small way, everything I’ve ever written since that time has a little bit of the State in it. Of course, it could have never survived in its then-current form, it was too fresh, too new, and when it was cancelled after its 3rd season I thought it was the end of an era. Little did we know, it simply went underground, and spread its hilarious tentacles all over Hollywood. It surfaced from time to time, in brilliant flashes of glory, through Reno 911, and Stella, and most recently, Michael and Michael Have Issues. And the members of the State became writers and producers and actors, and stealthily helped to create many of the modern comic classics that we love. And to think, it all started with two morons rolling around in two hundred forty dollars worth of pudding. Cut, but only because it’s cancelled.

33. Curb Your Enthusiasm - And so we move from the primordial ooze of cringe comedy that was The State, to Curb Your Enthusiasm, its evolutionary peak. Larry David is quite simply the successful 50 year old version of Charlie Brown. The horror of his youth has made him into an outwardly twisted and selfish person. But somehow, deep in his heart, he retains his misguided but genuine desire to do good, along with the inevitable repercussions of his attempted benevolence. In Larry David’s world, the road to hell truly is paved with good intentions. Keep.

34. Bored to Death - Much like It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, there’s nothing much I can say about this excellent show; completely unconventional, and likeable in every way that Always Sunny is (intentionally) detestable. It comes back in the fall - watch it! Keep.

35. Community - Oh, what a surprise, another show starring Joel McHale. This would be number three. So at the height of his powers, between two basic cable shows and a sitcom on NBC, he controlled at least one third of all of the available space on my DVR. Well listen up, fascists! I’m drawing a line in the sand, I’m not Neville Chamberlain, this is not Munich, and if I don‘t stand up to that monster, nobody will. Cut, because this is America.

(Yes, that was a joke about early 20th century European politics. Don’t everyone laugh at once.)

36. Flashforward - Okay ABC, so you have a show like Lost that's coming to an end, so you need to think of way to keep the audience. The whole draw of Lost is that it is based on unexplainable mysteries that never get answered. So then you create Flashforward, which is marketed specifically to Lost fans, promising mysteries galore. And then in the first five minutes of the first episode, you "flashforward" and show the audience everything that happens at the end of the season, thereby removing every iota of dramatic tension that the show will ever possibly have before the first commercial break!! Also, your main character can’t act. Cut.

37. Titan Maximum- Spoof of Voltron, check. Starring stop motion animation figures that probably weren‘t popular since before I was born, check. Almost no redeeming social value at all, check. Sounds like a winner, huh? Fuck you, I don’t care, I’m keeping it. Keep.

(There’s the television addict we know and love.)

38. The Cleveland Show -
I defy you to watch the following clip and not like this show (probably NSFW, and low quality video because you tube deletes everything that‘s interesting):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4C-jw6HnxM4

Keep and keep.

39. Dexter - Something has always bothered me about this show; I always thought it “cheated” a little bit. The character of Dexter is supposed to be devoid of human emotion, and every single action he takes that in not directly related to seeking out or killing his next victim is supposedly a ruse, an act of subterfuge designed to convince everyone around him that he is “normal”. So he has no experience with human emotion, yet he is able to feign being a loving husband and successful forensic analyst for almost every single minute of every single day? Sorry, I just don’t buy it. And yes, I see the hypocrisy of being able to accept magical islands, and time traveling police officers, and happy families where everyone loves each other, but not a serial killer who pretends to be happy.

And the last season? Wow. Terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE plot. Keep, but it needs to get better immediately.

40. The League - The premise is simple. 4 assholes and 2 somewhat normal people play in a fantasy football league. The league proceeds to directly or indirectly ruin the lives of everyone involved. Modern day parable? Or half hour repository for dick jokes? Either way, keep.

Since I can’t really count those first two shows, we only have 3 shows cut this time, which brings us to 17 total, and still short of my goal. I’d better go fix the locks in case someone tries to break in and add more shows. Next time? The exciting conclusion.
　

　

Feedback!

Don't worry, there won't be a 1 year hiatus this time, as part 4 should be up by tomorrow.

For your amusement, some of the feedback so far, left anonymous to protect the innocent:

"Mean spirited."

"Your DVR is as messy as your house."

"Why don't you do anymore sports ones?"

"Formers, Trans."

Thanks as always, dear readers! More tomorrow.

The Continuing Adventures of the DVR Kid, part 3

Welcome to part 3 of my attempt at extreme behavior modification via the therapeutic embrace of consumer electronics. Such modification is necessary because I am a television addict who has 50 shows programmed into his DVR. To solve my problem, I am going through the list one by one to decide which shows to keep, and which to cut.

Here are the ground rules:

- My goal is to get this list down to 30 shows, which will make me less of a social liability. So far I have cut 7 shows, which means I have 13 to go.
- Reality shows are automatically cut unless there is a VERY good reason to keep them.
- anything that Kristen watches is automatically cut.

I have already broken the last two rules, which does not auger well for the rest of the list. One warning; things are about to get pretty obscure around these parts, and, as we saw from that David Lynch reference last time, obscure shows mean obscure references. Fortunately, unless I am very, very wrong about how blogging works, all three of you are using the internet to read this entry. That means Wikipedia is only a short click away. Don’t make me do all of the work for you, people!

Without further ado, here are 21 - 30:

21. Heroes - Oh god, we‘ve gotten to the self-loathing portion of this exercise, as I don‘t feel good about having to admit that I still watch this show. Don’t get me wrong, I really loved the first season; scroll down a few entries into the blog archive, and you can see my slightly overenthusiastic review of the first few episodes. Boy, I could really sling some bullshit back in the day, huh? In my defense, I believed (and still believe) that the first season was special. But then it stopped being good. Abruptly. I won’t get into what was wrong with the show. Okay fine, the characterization was painfully inconsistent and the constant use of time travel and resurrection made dramatic tension impossible. We’d get one good episode every 2 months or so, and I’d perk right up and announce that it was good again, only to have the Amy Jo‘s of the world shake their heads at me in disgust. It’s cancelled, so it’s automatically cut, but it really would have been cathartic to rid myself of that particular albatross before someone else cut it off of my neck. Cut.

22. The Sarah Silverman Program - A negative review from Matt Roush of TV Guide described the show as “Feminist Frat Boy Humor” which is as good of a description as any. But its offensiveness belied a lot of very progressive qualities: the star was a woman, and for the first time, allowed her to be the catalyst of the show’s raunchiness rather that the victim. And Sarah’s sidekicks were a relatively progressive gay couple, and was actually nominated for a GLAAD media award. But for the most part, it was an offensive mess of a show that I loved. Recently cancelled, which is a shame, because it consistently made me laugh out loud. Cut due to cancellation.

23. Friday Night Lights - Let’s get this off of my chest right now, I hate every goddamn one of you for not watching Friday Night Lights and making me have to constantly worry about it being cancelled. As with many of my favorite shows over the years, it stars a fictional family that I wish would adopt me. Having Coach Taylore as my dad means that I’d finally learn to throw a decent spiral, I’d be in the same high school class as Minka Kelly and Adrianne Palicki, and would definitely be a grateful and happy child, unlike that selfish ingrate Julie Fucking Taylor. But I digress from my main point, which is that there is a special place in hell for everyone who doesn’t like Friday Night Lights. Keep.

24. Scrubs - First, an apology for the last entry; your utter refusal to embrace the awesomness that is Friday Night Lights does make me emotional. Scrubs was a very underrated sitcom that probably had one of the best endings that I had ever seen; a montage of Zach Braff’s idyllic future interspersed with cameos from all of the guest stars that had ever appeared on the show. It was surreal, yet touching, and in hindsight, kind of reminds me of…well, Lost. All’s well that ends well. Except not. Because it came back for another season, with half the cast replaced. And instead of replacing them with characters that were talented and insecure and endearingly quirky, which is the entire charm of the show, they replaced everyone with assholes. An alpha male asshole. A blonde asshole. A frat boy asshole. An airhead asshole. A school full of assholes engaging in constant assholery. Kind of tough to like a show where I hate everyone. Cut.

25. Top Chef - It’s a reality show; that’s one strike against it. Kristen also loves this show, so there’s strike two. Final question - are any of this season’s contestants someone I knew when I was in high school? Because that would be a compelling reason to keep it. No? Not this year? Then cut.

26. United States of Tara - I was unable to think of anything funny or insightful about this show. It’s fine, I guess, but nothing special. Since I’m so un-inspired, I will steal my brilliant friend Jeneen’s controversial theory about the dialogue in the movie Juno, which was written by the show’s creator, Diablo Cody. The first ten minutes of Juno were incomprehensible, and turned a lot of people off to the movie before it even got rolling. I could barely understand a word that anyone said. And then, as we got settled in, the syntax of the movie started making sense. This raises the question: did we simply stop noticing the poor dialogue, like in a movie with subtitles or strange accents? Or did someone notice how horrible the writing was after the first ten minutes and tell Diablo Cody to knock it off and stop writing like a jackass? As far as the show goes…keep.

27. Dollhouse - Here’s a formula for success: create a role that would be a difficult for even the most talented actress, but would also guarantee five years worth of Emmy nominations for the woman that pulled it off. Then, take that part and cast it with a wooden, one dimensional actress like Elisa Dushku, which happened because you have some kind of unhealthy sado-masochistic fascination with said actress. I am a admitted Joss Whedon fan, but come on, Elisa Dushku? Next time, try to focus your sick fantasies on someone who can actually act. Oh, who am I kidding, when his next show comes out in two years starring Hayden Panitierre as a Gulf War Vet who hunts and kills cartoon cereal mascots, that show will also end up on the DVR. As this show is cancelled, cut.

28. Ashes to Ashes - This is one that I know that you never heard of. It’s a British show about a police officer who is shot, goes into a coma, and awakes to find herself in the early 1980’s. The show does not explain how or why this happened. And even though it’s filled with cop show cliches and self serving jokes about the 80’s, and isn’t really that good, I HAVE TO FIND OUT HOW IT ENDS. A fun legal fact that I learned from this show: apparently accused criminals in England have no rights whatsoever. A good ten minutes of each episode involves one or more of the police officers beating the hell out some victim to get them to talk, or because they got in the way, or because they looked at them funny, or because they looked at them sexily, or because they were there. Thankfully, most are actually innocent. Come for the mystery, stay for the graphic police brutality. Keep.

29. Better Off Ted - I’m depressed even talking about this show it was funny and smart, but still had enough dick jokes to appeal to the lowest common denominator. It’s cancelled, so cut, but I’m still annoyed.

30. Krod Magnon and the Flaming Sword of Fire - Kristen! What kind of nonsense show did you add this time? I’m just kidding, I can’t blame her for this one, this is my folly. This is the stuff of which television addictions are made, and symbolizes the whole point of the list. Cut, but not in time to salvage my self respect.
　
So the tally for this round is an amazing 7 shows cut! Add this to last week’s total, and I’m at 14 shows cut! I am officially 140% more efficient than I was at the start of last week.

Next time, part 4! Plus, a sinister menace threatens to derail our hero’s progress!

The Continuing Adventures of the DVR Kid, part 2

As promised, here is part 2. In case you forgot, or are a new viewer, here’s the deal: I am in the middle of a wildly successful attempt to reclaim control over my own life by purging the number of shows programmed into my DVR. I know, this is some high concept material.

The rules are as follows:

- I am trying to cut this list from the original list of 50 shows to less than 30 shows. So far, I have gotten rid of 3 so far.

- Reality shows are automatically cut unless there is a VERY good reason to keep them.

- anything that Kristen watches is automatically cut.

Check out the previous entry for numbers 1-10. Here’s 11-20.

11. Saturday Night Live - Here’s the problem. I just don’t get Saturday Night Live. I don’t get Dick In A Box. I don’t get Jizz In My Pants. I don’t get I’m On A Boat. Here’s the formula: Andy Sandberg opens up a Mad Libs. He creates a sentence in which the subject has nothing to do with the object. Like Dick and Box. And Jizz and Pants.

And repeat.

And repeat.

And repeat.

And post to Youtube.

And repeat.

Our Sunday morning tradition was to watch the recording of the previous night’s SNL when we got up. With fast forwarding, it took about an hour. Then 45 minutes. Then a half hour. Now we average about 7 minutes total, and the only reason it‘s that high is because once we watched the entire segment where Kesha was performing with the laser fingers. This one is cut, so I can et back those 7 precious minutes.

12. Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations - I’m going to contradict myself, because this is technically a reality show. But this is a reality show where its star is a 80’s burnout who travels around the world, eating whatever he wants, displaying utter contempt for almost everyone he encounters, and generally acting like an asshole. In other words, welcome to my internal monologue. Keep.

13. Rescue Me - This show is a victim of it‘s own hubris. This show is very good at being funny. It is also very good at being sentimental, and can always be counted upon to evoke an emotional response.. But when it tried to be moralistic, it was terrible. The first half of last season with Michael J. Fox guest starring as an obnoxious drunk was gold. Second half of last season, when it was clumsily trying to create a parable about the dangers of alcoholism? It was shit, almost cartoonish. (Albeit an incredibly violent cartoon.) Keep, but stop trying to teach me a lesson, and just entertain me.

14. Mad Men - It could be the best show on television. But I have a problem with this show. Here’s the thing. Last year, while I was visiting my parents, I happened to watch an episode with my mom. As she was a former executive assistant on Madison Avenue in the early to mid 1960‘s, and she commented on how realistic the show was. If you have ever actually watched the show, you can probably understand how profoundly disturbing that particular comment is to hear from you mother. To put it another way, if an old man with nasally voice, a patchy beard, and a fedora shows up at my door one of these days, I won’t be shocked. Keep, so that I can find out who my real parents are.

15. The Soup Presents - Okay, seriously Kristen, so you have us DVRing a “best of” version of a fucking clip show? I get it, you love Joel McHale more than you love me, but this is ridiculous. This is the kind of shit causes me to take 6 months between blog entries. Cut.

16. Long Way Down -This is an obscure but enjoyable British miniseries chronicling Ewan MacGregor and Charley Boorman’s motorcycle journey from Scotland to Cape Town in Africa. The best parts happened when the two of them would roll into some random European hamlet, and half the villagers swarmed around Ewan MacGregor with Obi Wan Kenobi posters and Trainspotting brand syringes, while poor Charlie sat by himself, fat and alone. Probably happened every episode. Fun show, but Charlie is much too fat and insecure to ride a motorcycle at this point, so their chances of getting back on the road are slim. Cut.

17. Project Runway - So this a reality show that Kristen watches. If I didn’t have at least 5 people reading this entry that liked her better than me, then this would be so frigging cut. But I’m feeling magnanimous tonight, so I’ll give you this one as an early Christmas present. (Because I already gave you your early birthday present.) Keep.

18. Say Yes to the Dress - Cut, because I’m only human. Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. (Unless you feel like trading away Valentine’s Day 2011? Whatever, because it's a win-win.)

19. Entourage - Oh, this one is tough. What is Entourage, exactly? Save for the occasional zinger by Johnny Drama or Ari Gold, it’s not really that funny, so we can‘t call it a comedy. It’s not a drama; there’s no tension because nothing bad ever happens to any of the characters. It’s almost like an extended dream sequence. But what if it isn’t all it seems? What if the first six seasons of the show are like the movie Mulholland Drive? In that movie, the first half is an extended dream sequence, in which an actress played by Naomi Watts lives the perfect Hollywood life, meets a gorgeous woman and is well on her way to becoming a celebrated actress. But then, she wakes up, and in the second half of the movie, returns to the cruel reality of her less than successful real life. So what if the next season of Entourage is like the second half of Mulholland Drive, where all of the characters wake up to their own cruel reality, and everything is the opposite of what it seems? What if Vince is really a heroin addled junkie, turning tricks for food? What if Eric is really an interesting and compelling character who actually deserves everything that drops into his lap? What if Turtle is really a fat piece of shit? (Because his awfulness would transcend any reality.) And what if Johnny Drama is the best actor in Hollywood? I for one want live in a world where the name of Johnny Drama is mentioned in the same breath as Brando and DeNiro. Keep, just in case my hunch is right.

That’s right, I just made a David Lynch reference, and at the same time, casually explained the plot of one of the most convoluted movies of the last 10 years in a paragraph. You’re welcome.

20. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia - There’s nothing I can say that about this show, except that it’s the best sitcom on television, bar none. Keep, keep, keep.

So, final score for the second 10 shows? Kept 6, cut 4. Total for two days? Kept 13, cut 7. Result? I am now 70% more efficient. Chances are, I am now the most efficient person that you know. Feel free to marvel at my robot like efficiency.

Stay tuned for part 3. I deserve to have my eyes gouged out for some of the shows on the next part of this list.