Saturday, October 5, 2013

Tom Clancy


Last week, Tom Clancy died at the age of 66. Now and then, when I start reading a book by an author, they suddenly die.  It happened with Elmore Leonard a few weeks ago.  In the past, it happened with David Halberstam, James Clavell, and Joseph Heller.  (I am keeping that copy of War and Remembrance safely on its shelf out of hope for Herman Wouk’s continued well-being.)  I did not, however, accidentally cause Tom Clancy’s death by reading one of his books, because I haven’t actually read one in years.

At one point in time in my late high school / early college years, the release of a Tom Clancy novel was a literary event; his main character, Jack Ryan, was an adult version of Harry Potter.   Harry Potter may have had 8 movies to his credit, but Jack Ryan clocked in with a respectable 4 of his own (of varying quality) with a “reboot” starring Chris Pine set for release in the next few months.  Pine’s involvement makes me wonder if the plot will revolve around an aging Jack Ryan (in my mind played by Alec Baldwin) desperately rushing to defuse an old Soviet artifact, inadvertently creating an alternate continuity with a world gone mad, where the Soviet Union no longer exists, and a rogue political party has forced a government shutdown.  Terrifying.

I jumped into the Ryanverse at the tail end of what I consider to be the series prime.  I picked up a dog eared copy of my father’s paperback version of The Sum of All Fears, not realizing that it starred the main character from the movie The Hunt for Red October, or that it was the 4th in a series.  As I can be OCD with my fictional tastes, I immediately stopped reading The Sum of All Fears, and backtracked through the older adventures of Jack Ryan, and his pal John Clark, weaving my way through those fantastic earlier volumes, The Hunt for Red October, Patriot Games (a prequel), The Cardinal of the Kremlin, Clear and Present Danger, and Without Remorse (yet another prequel.)

(Be warned: the next few paragraphs are spoilers for books from fifteen years ago.)

The first few novels were exciting; while Jack Ryan was not an everyman in any way, shape, or form (an ex-Marine turned financial genius, turned CIA analyst in his spare time), the character provided a somewhat relatable perspective to the world of submarine theft, anti-missile defense systems, and the use of special force units to combat the drug war.  John Clark, his CIA hatchetman, was not at all relatable, but was also a lot of fun to read about; the infallible Batman to Ryan’s Harry Potter.  Without Remorse, focusing solely on John Clark, was full of his Batman: Year One type misadventures; his non-flashback appearances showed a fully formed superhero, capable of dispatching enemies at a whim. 

Until a point about 80% through The Sum of All Fears, the Ryanverse was a World Not Unlike Our Own, and indeed, similar or even identical events could have happened in our world, and we would be none the wiser.

And then, 80% of the way through the Sum of All Fears, he blew up Denver.  During the Super Bowl.   The world of Jack Ryan had diverged from our own, now and (hopefully) forever.
The Sum of All Fears was fantastic, and to this day, remains my favorite Jack Ryan book (the prior novels all being excellent as well.)  But it marked a turning point that led to the beginning of the end of Clancy’s heyday.  In future novels, Tom Clancy was forced to continually escalate the stakes, leading to a war with Japan, the destruction of Congress during the State of the Union Address (!), Jack Ryan inadvertently becoming the President of the United States (!!!), and a three way free for all war between the United States, China, and Russia.

By this point, Clancy had painted himself into a corner.  Jack Ryan was the President of a United States that had experienced the destruction of one of its major cities and had witnessed multiple nuclear exchanges.  There was literally nowhere left for these characters to go without backsliding into wholesale chaos; even the possibility of future movies was compromised, because an action / suspense franchise where the tentpole character spends the movie behind a desk is just not that appealing.  Perhaps a with different ending to the Sum Of All Fears, or other narrative choices along the way, Jack Ryan would still be a viable character today.  Hopefully the rebooted movie will change that, and launch a new direction for an iconic character.
(I’m ignoring the prequel novel Red Rabbit because I didn’t finish it due to awfulness, and the Jack Ryan, Jr. books, because I haven’t read them.  For me, the Ryanverse ended with the Bear and the Dragon.)

I’ve gone over my half hour limit again, so I’ll wrap up.  Tom Clancy’s language could be overly mechanical (not that I minded) and his unwavering worldview was made very evident through the words  deeds of his protagonists.  His characters, especially in the first few books were unfailingly competent and honorable; somewhat comforting in retrospect, but not terribly accurate.


Despite his faults, and the narrative choices that brought the relevance of Jack Ryan to an early ending, Tom Clancy, at his best, was one of the most riveting storytellers I have ever read.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Half Hour part 1



Sometimes you get writer’s block.  Sometimes it lasts for an hour. Sometimes it lasts for 3 years. Sometimes you try to force the issue, but even if you’re lucky, that only brings a short burst of creativity which is impossible to sustain.  I have a pretty good idea of what started that writer’s block, and why it lasted so long.  Part of it is timing.  My life is busy.  (See also: exercise.)  Part of it is energy. Other parts of my life get the best parts of me.  Part of it is need, or lack thereof. I like writing (I’m enjoying this exercise right now.)  But I don’t need to write.  Writing doesn’t put food on the table.  Writing doesn’t affect other people’s opinions of me. My life has moved past the point where it could be possible or plausible for me to make a living as a writer.  It’s just a hobby.  A hobby that I am very good at.

Recently, it was suggested to be that I would be well served to put the best part of me (or at least a half hour’s worth of the best part of me) into something I like.  So here we are, dusting off the car, replacing the oil, turning over the ignition to see if, at the very least, we can get the engine started.  If that works, then I can drive it around the block, and see if I still like the feel of it.  Maybe get it out on the highway, you know, just for old time’s sake. 

I want to see if the person I am now can write like the person I used to be.

So what to write about, besides self-indulgent babbling about the exercise of writing?  Because at this point, all I’ve produced with my half hour is a three hundred word stall tactic.  Fiction?  No, too soon for that.  I’m still rummaging through the kitchen drawer looking for car the keys, and you’re asking me to go straight to the Daytona 500.  Write about what you know, as most English teachers inevitably say.  Well, I know a lot about lawyering.  So I can write that.  But I do that every day, and that is not what this exercise is about.  Write about what you love, which is what every professor that I’ve loved has said to me.  That will narrow the field considerably.  Write about what you hate, which nobody has ever told me, but come on, I'm only human.  And that broadens the field considerably.

What do I love?  Well, there are people I love, but I’m not going to write about them, because I don’t know how to write about love, and knowing how to write about love is a pretty crucial part of writing about people you love.  

I love football.  I hate what football is turning into.  I love talking about football.  I hate sports talk radio.  I love television.  I hate almost everything that CBS televises.  Except for How I Met Your Mother.  I don’t hate that show.  I do hate Ted Mosby. 

I love movies.  I hate Michael Bay movies.  I love books.  I hate that I’m not smart enough to read Infinite Jest.  I love history.  I hate that I’m the only one who does.  I love podcasts.  I hate the fact that I can’t listen to them quickly enough and that the pile up of podcasts threatens to consume my Itunes, my hard drive, and possibly all available data storage in the world.  I love to think about religion.  I hate the fact that talking about it in any context, even a thoughtful, open-minded, inclusive context, causes people to make unfair judgments about you. 


So, here is my promise to you (if I post this) or to me (if I don’t.)  I will devote a half hour of the best part of me to writing every single week.  I’ll start with one of the things I mentioned above, and go from there.  I can’t promise it will be funny, or great, or good, or complete, or intelligible, or anything other than a waste of time for all of us. But it will be there, and even if no one else ever reads these, I will be having fun.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Ummm, these guys are kind of evil: My review of Those Guys Have All The Fun: Inside the World of ESPN

My rating: 3 of 5 stars


This was essentially two books in one, and was wildly uneven. The first hundred pages or so were the grindingly slow recap of the origins of ESPN, and the detailed description of chasing down financing and pricing out satellite transponders was less than riveting. (Having said that, I am now well prepared to start a fledgling cable company, and am currently finalizing a bid to purchase the rights to broadcast old episodes of Entertainment Tonight.) I am not one to flip ahead in a book that I'm reading, but even I couldn't help nosing ahead for a few pages as my eyelids got heavier. This section should have been pared down a lot - this section gets 2 stars, and that's being charitable.

Fortunately, my patience was rewarded, as the narrative turned to the personalities behind the network. (Spoilers!) Keith Olbermann is a sociopath! Bob Ley is a blowhard! Mike Tirico is such a gentleman that he'll follow you home even after you tell him to stay the hell away from you! Michelle Beadle hates Erin Andrews! Chris Berman can't string two words together without one of them being "fuck"! Bill Simmons is surprisingly candid and insightful! Nobody, and I mean nobody comes off well from this book, and the strength of this section is not only how Shales and Miller were able to somehow get these personalities to admit so much on the record, but to contextualize the quotes in such a way that they paint a much broader picture. This section gets 4 stars, and that's being conservative.

Shales and Miller wrote one of the best oral histories I've ever read in Live From Saturday Night, and the big difference here is that book is much more personality driven, which appears to play to their strength; by choosing to spend so much time on the relatively dry background material, this book fell a bit short of that high standard.






Tuesday, July 13, 2010

S&M Tuedays

This entry probably qualifies as a creative risk.

Several years ago, I was reading a blog by Grant Morrison, who is, among many other things, a brilliant writer of screenplays and comic books. One of his entries recounted a brief conversation with one of his friends about whether certain comic book characters were sadists, and which other characters were masochists. It was a probably less than 200 words, but it was something I found both hilarious and strangely insightful, and it stuck with me for a long time. And as I continued to think about it, I came to the startling realization that pretty much everyone I have every encountered could probably fall into one of those two categories.

Of course, I can’t really write a blog entry about which of my friends are sadists and which are masochists? Or can I?

No, I can’t. While it would be delightfully funny, it would probably cost me all of my friends and be the last blog that I ever write. So I won’t do that one….

Instead, I welcome you to my new weekly feature, in which I take a page from the esteemed Mr. Morrison and analyze which of my favorite fictional characters are sadists, and which ones are masochists!

(Why yes, I did go to 12 years of Catholic school. Why do you ask?)

First, some ground rules.

(Why must my entries always have ground rules? Can‘t I just write something straightforward? 50 DVR shows? What‘s on television at 3:15 in the morning? Sadomasochistic tendencies of fictional characters? What the fuck?!? Why can‘t I just go back to writing a good old fashioned NFL hate blog, like God intended?)

My apologies for the brief interruption by my internal dialogue.

For the purposes of this entry, a sadist is someone who derives pleasure from causing pain to someone. A masochist is someone who derives pleasure from receiving pain from someone. For those of you who disagree with my simplistic definitions, please note that, my goal, as always, is to cast aspersions on as many people as possible while at the same time doing a minimal amount of research, if any. My research for this article consisted of one and a half paragraphs of a Wikipedia entry.
 
So without further ado, our first installment will be about characters of the show Lost!
Lost is a good example to start with, as it focused on multi-layered characters whose characterization remained consistent throughout the series. And more importantly, there was plenty of violence and mayhem. (Not that violence and mayhem are necessarily vital, as you will see in upcoming weeks.) I’ll go character by character, and like every good Lost recap, I’ll start with…

…Jack Sheppard - Jack is the ostensible leader of the castaways. Jack is a selfless martyr, who is willing to face any hardship and take on any burden for his fellow castaways. He is also made sure that all of the castaways were fully aware of every single moment of every single sacrifice hat he ever makes. Masochist, and a vocal one at that.

Sawyer Ford - Sawyer loves his stealing, and he loves his guns. Sawyer is also to blaming others as Jack is to unnecessary and annoying self sacrifice. Sadist.

Kate Austen - Kate spent the better part of 6 seasons pitting Jack and Sawyer against each other to compete for her affections. She also seems to have a strong aversion to cages and handcuffs, as she tried to escape them at every opportunity. Oh yeah, she also blew up a house while her stepfather was inside. And she stole Claire’s baby. Sadist. And violent.

John Locke - Oooooh, this is a tough one. Locke has the same martyr complex as Jack. And he spent the first 40 years of his like being bullied and manipulated by others. But he also carries around a lot of shiny knives, and frequently throws them at friend and foe alike. I’ll go with the preponderance of the evidence and vote masochist.

Sayid Jarrah - Sayid was a professional torturer for the Republican guard! Sadist. Enough of a sadist that he would be overqualified for any type of mid-level sadist position. (What the hell kind of company would have any kind of sadist position, let alone a mid-level one?)

Ben Linus - This is an easy one - did anyone on the show, or pretty much anyone in television history, get the shit kicked out of themselves more than Ben Linus? He even submitted to having surgery performed on him by his mortal enemy! Of course, Ben’s constant beatings almost inevitably benefited him; and on several occasions, he purposefully initiated them. Ben is a proactive masochist.

Hurley Reyes - Oh look at Hurley, just standing there in the background with that innocent look on his face while all of his friends were getting beaten up and killed around him. Now look at Hurley, the last man standing, because everyone else is dead or dying, just like we should have known all along. Sadit. In fact, this master manipulator was probably the most sadistic fuck on this list.

There you have it boppers, an inappropriate deconstruction of one of your favorite shows. Please feel free to suggest any shows, movies, books, etc for future Tuesday blog entries.

Just don’t suggest any real people.
 

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Thoughts During the Long Weekend

Part 5 is on the way next week, but in the mean time, some quick thoughts:

- After scoring two runs in two games against the worst team in baseball, the Phillies are officially in a tailspin. While I can't argue with the trade for Halladay, some of the pieces that were traded away would have fit in nicely right about now. I won't get into that too much, because I am a.) not in a Phillies bashing mood just yet, and b.) I am not smart enough to write about baseball. However, the Phillies travails will put me into a foul mood going into the Eagles season, and my usual September optimism will probably last until about 4:25 EST on September 12th.

- The Eagles new quarterback is going to be Kevin Kolb. After careful consideration, I find myself predisposed to hating him. More on this in a later post.

- It's 2010 and I still can't watch 10 minutes of soccer without dozing off. I'm not getting any more tolerant, so if it's not happening now, it's not going to happen. Sorry, 96% of my friends along with the rest of the world.

That's all for now; have a great 4th of July weekend!

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Continuing Adventures of the DVR Kid, Part 4

After the last entry I was flying high; I’ve been cutting TV shows left and right, and my newfound efficiency had made me nothing short of superhuman. Or so I thought, as I ran through the DVR list before writing this entry. When I opened the DVR menu, I noticed that there were 38 shows remaining. But wait, didn’t I start with 50 shows? And didn’t I cut 14 shows? How did I end up with 38 shows? It must be a mistake. So I counted again. And counted again. And counted again. And then I came to a realization.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

SOMEONE WAS ADDING NEW SHOWS!

Noooooooooooooooooooooo!

Betrayed! Betrayal most foul! Who could be the vile fiend that would add shows to the DVR, knowing full well that I’ve typed the equivalent 7 single spaced pages about trying to make my life better?!? Was it an inside job? I know for a fact that 100% of the people who live in my house read my blog, and are totally aware of the importance of what I’m doing. Obviously it couldn’t any of them. Could one of my enemies have read this blog, and, fearing that I would destroy them with my new super efficiency, broke into my home, and re-programmed my DVR to add new shows, making me 20% less efficient? Perhaps a review of the two new shows themselves will grant insight as to who was behind this monstrous deed.

Bonus show #31 - Bethanny’s Getting Married. I seriously underestimated someone. Whoever added this show must really have a problem with these last few blog entries. I know absolutely nothing about this show except for the title. Judging from the title alone, there is an excellent chance that Kristen may actually be the executive producer of this show. You know, it’s almost enough to make me think that maybe Kristen might know more than she‘s letting on…no, that’s impossible. It was an intruder. An evil intruder. Cut, because there’s no fucking way a show called Bethanny’s Getting Married stays on my DVR, no matter who is producing it.

Bonus show #32 - True Life. Do you really think you can fool me with a reality show disguised as a documentary? Especially one about boring people? Here are some of the upcoming episodes: “I’m Addicted To Drugs.” “I‘m White Trash.” “I‘m Addicted to Licking Starfishes.” “I’m Addicted to Banality.” “I’m Addicted to Purple.” “I’m Too Poor For Liposuction, And Too Lazy To Exercise, So I‘m Going To Wear This 19th Century Victorian Corset For The Rest Of My Life.” Well, I‘ll give them points for creativity. But really, cut.

Ahh, I feel my efficiency returning already! Now that we’ve gotten this nonsense out of the way, let’s get rolling, boppers. Here are shows 31-40:

31. Glee - Let’s see, high school centric, filled with singing and musical numbers and silly teen melodrama. Anyone who has read this blog would have no illusions about who added this one, because it’s like they designed a show just for me to hate, right? Right? Wrong. I love Glee. I love Brittany the Cheerleader. I love Puck, the unrepentant jock. And most of all, I love the iconic Sue Sylvester, one of the great fictional characters of our time or any other. I stand before you revealed, an unapologetic Gleek. Keep.

While we’re on the subject, there is a certain former co-worker of mine who “doesn’t have time” to watch Glee, even though she would probably love it. Confidential to said person: if you don’t start watching Glee next season, I will reveal, in the pages of this blog, the controversial ending to Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, which I have on good authority that you have not read yet. Don’t you dare test me!

And yes, I mean you Jeneen.

32. Michael and Michael Have Issues - In 1993, during my freshman year in college, there was a sketch comedy show on MTV called The State. I had never seen anything like it. It was made up of nothing but non-sequitors, nonsense, and meanness. Nothing would ever be the same for me again, and in some small way, everything I’ve ever written since that time has a little bit of the State in it. Of course, it could have never survived in its then-current form, it was too fresh, too new, and when it was cancelled after its 3rd season I thought it was the end of an era. Little did we know, it simply went underground, and spread its hilarious tentacles all over Hollywood. It surfaced from time to time, in brilliant flashes of glory, through Reno 911, and Stella, and most recently, Michael and Michael Have Issues. And the members of the State became writers and producers and actors, and stealthily helped to create many of the modern comic classics that we love. And to think, it all started with two morons rolling around in two hundred forty dollars worth of pudding. Cut, but only because it’s cancelled.

33. Curb Your Enthusiasm - And so we move from the primordial ooze of cringe comedy that was The State, to Curb Your Enthusiasm, its evolutionary peak. Larry David is quite simply the successful 50 year old version of Charlie Brown. The horror of his youth has made him into an outwardly twisted and selfish person. But somehow, deep in his heart, he retains his misguided but genuine desire to do good, along with the inevitable repercussions of his attempted benevolence. In Larry David’s world, the road to hell truly is paved with good intentions. Keep.

34. Bored to Death - Much like It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, there’s nothing much I can say about this excellent show; completely unconventional, and likeable in every way that Always Sunny is (intentionally) detestable. It comes back in the fall - watch it! Keep.

35. Community - Oh, what a surprise, another show starring Joel McHale. This would be number three. So at the height of his powers, between two basic cable shows and a sitcom on NBC, he controlled at least one third of all of the available space on my DVR. Well listen up, fascists! I’m drawing a line in the sand, I’m not Neville Chamberlain, this is not Munich, and if I don‘t stand up to that monster, nobody will. Cut, because this is America.

(Yes, that was a joke about early 20th century European politics. Don’t everyone laugh at once.)

36. Flashforward - Okay ABC, so you have a show like Lost that's coming to an end, so you need to think of way to keep the audience. The whole draw of Lost is that it is based on unexplainable mysteries that never get answered. So then you create Flashforward, which is marketed specifically to Lost fans, promising mysteries galore. And then in the first five minutes of the first episode, you "flashforward" and show the audience everything that happens at the end of the season, thereby removing every iota of dramatic tension that the show will ever possibly have before the first commercial break!! Also, your main character can’t act. Cut.

37. Titan Maximum- Spoof of Voltron, check. Starring stop motion animation figures that probably weren‘t popular since before I was born, check. Almost no redeeming social value at all, check. Sounds like a winner, huh? Fuck you, I don’t care, I’m keeping it. Keep.

(There’s the television addict we know and love.)

38. The Cleveland Show -
I defy you to watch the following clip and not like this show (probably NSFW, and low quality video because you tube deletes everything that‘s interesting):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4C-jw6HnxM4

Keep and keep.

39. Dexter - Something has always bothered me about this show; I always thought it “cheated” a little bit. The character of Dexter is supposed to be devoid of human emotion, and every single action he takes that in not directly related to seeking out or killing his next victim is supposedly a ruse, an act of subterfuge designed to convince everyone around him that he is “normal”. So he has no experience with human emotion, yet he is able to feign being a loving husband and successful forensic analyst for almost every single minute of every single day? Sorry, I just don’t buy it. And yes, I see the hypocrisy of being able to accept magical islands, and time traveling police officers, and happy families where everyone loves each other, but not a serial killer who pretends to be happy.

And the last season? Wow. Terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE plot. Keep, but it needs to get better immediately.

40. The League - The premise is simple. 4 assholes and 2 somewhat normal people play in a fantasy football league. The league proceeds to directly or indirectly ruin the lives of everyone involved. Modern day parable? Or half hour repository for dick jokes? Either way, keep.

Since I can’t really count those first two shows, we only have 3 shows cut this time, which brings us to 17 total, and still short of my goal. I’d better go fix the locks in case someone tries to break in and add more shows. Next time? The exciting conclusion.
 

 

Monday, June 28, 2010

Feedback!

Don't worry, there won't be a 1 year hiatus this time, as part 4 should be up by tomorrow.

For your amusement, some of the feedback so far, left anonymous to protect the innocent:

"Mean spirited."

"Your DVR is as messy as your house."

"Why don't you do anymore sports ones?"

"Formers, Trans."

Thanks as always, dear readers! More tomorrow.