The Continuing Adventures of the DVR Kid, Part 4

After the last entry I was flying high; I’ve been cutting TV shows left and right, and my newfound efficiency had made me nothing short of superhuman. Or so I thought, as I ran through the DVR list before writing this entry. When I opened the DVR menu, I noticed that there were 38 shows remaining. But wait, didn’t I start with 50 shows? And didn’t I cut 14 shows? How did I end up with 38 shows? It must be a mistake. So I counted again. And counted again. And counted again. And then I came to a realization.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

SOMEONE WAS ADDING NEW SHOWS!

Noooooooooooooooooooooo!

Betrayed! Betrayal most foul! Who could be the vile fiend that would add shows to the DVR, knowing full well that I’ve typed the equivalent 7 single spaced pages about trying to make my life better?!? Was it an inside job? I know for a fact that 100% of the people who live in my house read my blog, and are totally aware of the importance of what I’m doing. Obviously it couldn’t any of them. Could one of my enemies have read this blog, and, fearing that I would destroy them with my new super efficiency, broke into my home, and re-programmed my DVR to add new shows, making me 20% less efficient? Perhaps a review of the two new shows themselves will grant insight as to who was behind this monstrous deed.

Bonus show #31 - Bethanny’s Getting Married. I seriously underestimated someone. Whoever added this show must really have a problem with these last few blog entries. I know absolutely nothing about this show except for the title. Judging from the title alone, there is an excellent chance that Kristen may actually be the executive producer of this show. You know, it’s almost enough to make me think that maybe Kristen might know more than she‘s letting on…no, that’s impossible. It was an intruder. An evil intruder. Cut, because there’s no fucking way a show called Bethanny’s Getting Married stays on my DVR, no matter who is producing it.

Bonus show #32 - True Life. Do you really think you can fool me with a reality show disguised as a documentary? Especially one about boring people? Here are some of the upcoming episodes: “I’m Addicted To Drugs.” “I‘m White Trash.” “I‘m Addicted to Licking Starfishes.” “I’m Addicted to Banality.” “I’m Addicted to Purple.” “I’m Too Poor For Liposuction, And Too Lazy To Exercise, So I‘m Going To Wear This 19th Century Victorian Corset For The Rest Of My Life.” Well, I‘ll give them points for creativity. But really, cut.

Ahh, I feel my efficiency returning already! Now that we’ve gotten this nonsense out of the way, let’s get rolling, boppers. Here are shows 31-40:

31. Glee - Let’s see, high school centric, filled with singing and musical numbers and silly teen melodrama. Anyone who has read this blog would have no illusions about who added this one, because it’s like they designed a show just for me to hate, right? Right? Wrong. I love Glee. I love Brittany the Cheerleader. I love Puck, the unrepentant jock. And most of all, I love the iconic Sue Sylvester, one of the great fictional characters of our time or any other. I stand before you revealed, an unapologetic Gleek. Keep.

While we’re on the subject, there is a certain former co-worker of mine who “doesn’t have time” to watch Glee, even though she would probably love it. Confidential to said person: if you don’t start watching Glee next season, I will reveal, in the pages of this blog, the controversial ending to Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, which I have on good authority that you have not read yet. Don’t you dare test me!

And yes, I mean you Jeneen.

32. Michael and Michael Have Issues - In 1993, during my freshman year in college, there was a sketch comedy show on MTV called The State. I had never seen anything like it. It was made up of nothing but non-sequitors, nonsense, and meanness. Nothing would ever be the same for me again, and in some small way, everything I’ve ever written since that time has a little bit of the State in it. Of course, it could have never survived in its then-current form, it was too fresh, too new, and when it was cancelled after its 3rd season I thought it was the end of an era. Little did we know, it simply went underground, and spread its hilarious tentacles all over Hollywood. It surfaced from time to time, in brilliant flashes of glory, through Reno 911, and Stella, and most recently, Michael and Michael Have Issues. And the members of the State became writers and producers and actors, and stealthily helped to create many of the modern comic classics that we love. And to think, it all started with two morons rolling around in two hundred forty dollars worth of pudding. Cut, but only because it’s cancelled.

33. Curb Your Enthusiasm - And so we move from the primordial ooze of cringe comedy that was The State, to Curb Your Enthusiasm, its evolutionary peak. Larry David is quite simply the successful 50 year old version of Charlie Brown. The horror of his youth has made him into an outwardly twisted and selfish person. But somehow, deep in his heart, he retains his misguided but genuine desire to do good, along with the inevitable repercussions of his attempted benevolence. In Larry David’s world, the road to hell truly is paved with good intentions. Keep.

34. Bored to Death - Much like It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, there’s nothing much I can say about this excellent show; completely unconventional, and likeable in every way that Always Sunny is (intentionally) detestable. It comes back in the fall - watch it! Keep.

35. Community - Oh, what a surprise, another show starring Joel McHale. This would be number three. So at the height of his powers, between two basic cable shows and a sitcom on NBC, he controlled at least one third of all of the available space on my DVR. Well listen up, fascists! I’m drawing a line in the sand, I’m not Neville Chamberlain, this is not Munich, and if I don‘t stand up to that monster, nobody will. Cut, because this is America.

(Yes, that was a joke about early 20th century European politics. Don’t everyone laugh at once.)

36. Flashforward - Okay ABC, so you have a show like Lost that's coming to an end, so you need to think of way to keep the audience. The whole draw of Lost is that it is based on unexplainable mysteries that never get answered. So then you create Flashforward, which is marketed specifically to Lost fans, promising mysteries galore. And then in the first five minutes of the first episode, you "flashforward" and show the audience everything that happens at the end of the season, thereby removing every iota of dramatic tension that the show will ever possibly have before the first commercial break!! Also, your main character can’t act. Cut.

37. Titan Maximum- Spoof of Voltron, check. Starring stop motion animation figures that probably weren‘t popular since before I was born, check. Almost no redeeming social value at all, check. Sounds like a winner, huh? Fuck you, I don’t care, I’m keeping it. Keep.

(There’s the television addict we know and love.)

38. The Cleveland Show -
I defy you to watch the following clip and not like this show (probably NSFW, and low quality video because you tube deletes everything that‘s interesting):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4C-jw6HnxM4

Keep and keep.

39. Dexter - Something has always bothered me about this show; I always thought it “cheated” a little bit. The character of Dexter is supposed to be devoid of human emotion, and every single action he takes that in not directly related to seeking out or killing his next victim is supposedly a ruse, an act of subterfuge designed to convince everyone around him that he is “normal”. So he has no experience with human emotion, yet he is able to feign being a loving husband and successful forensic analyst for almost every single minute of every single day? Sorry, I just don’t buy it. And yes, I see the hypocrisy of being able to accept magical islands, and time traveling police officers, and happy families where everyone loves each other, but not a serial killer who pretends to be happy.

And the last season? Wow. Terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE plot. Keep, but it needs to get better immediately.

40. The League - The premise is simple. 4 assholes and 2 somewhat normal people play in a fantasy football league. The league proceeds to directly or indirectly ruin the lives of everyone involved. Modern day parable? Or half hour repository for dick jokes? Either way, keep.

Since I can’t really count those first two shows, we only have 3 shows cut this time, which brings us to 17 total, and still short of my goal. I’d better go fix the locks in case someone tries to break in and add more shows. Next time? The exciting conclusion.