S&M Tuedays

This entry probably qualifies as a creative risk.

Several years ago, I was reading a blog by Grant Morrison, who is, among many other things, a brilliant writer of screenplays and comic books. One of his entries recounted a brief conversation with one of his friends about whether certain comic book characters were sadists, and which other characters were masochists. It was a probably less than 200 words, but it was something I found both hilarious and strangely insightful, and it stuck with me for a long time. And as I continued to think about it, I came to the startling realization that pretty much everyone I have every encountered could probably fall into one of those two categories.

Of course, I can’t really write a blog entry about which of my friends are sadists and which are masochists? Or can I?

No, I can’t. While it would be delightfully funny, it would probably cost me all of my friends and be the last blog that I ever write. So I won’t do that one….

Instead, I welcome you to my new weekly feature, in which I take a page from the esteemed Mr. Morrison and analyze which of my favorite fictional characters are sadists, and which ones are masochists!

(Why yes, I did go to 12 years of Catholic school. Why do you ask?)

First, some ground rules.

(Why must my entries always have ground rules? Can‘t I just write something straightforward? 50 DVR shows? What‘s on television at 3:15 in the morning? Sadomasochistic tendencies of fictional characters? What the fuck?!? Why can‘t I just go back to writing a good old fashioned NFL hate blog, like God intended?)

My apologies for the brief interruption by my internal dialogue.

For the purposes of this entry, a sadist is someone who derives pleasure from causing pain to someone. A masochist is someone who derives pleasure from receiving pain from someone. For those of you who disagree with my simplistic definitions, please note that, my goal, as always, is to cast aspersions on as many people as possible while at the same time doing a minimal amount of research, if any. My research for this article consisted of one and a half paragraphs of a Wikipedia entry.
　
So without further ado, our first installment will be about characters of the show Lost!
Lost is a good example to start with, as it focused on multi-layered characters whose characterization remained consistent throughout the series. And more importantly, there was plenty of violence and mayhem. (Not that violence and mayhem are necessarily vital, as you will see in upcoming weeks.) I’ll go character by character, and like every good Lost recap, I’ll start with…

…Jack Sheppard - Jack is the ostensible leader of the castaways. Jack is a selfless martyr, who is willing to face any hardship and take on any burden for his fellow castaways. He is also made sure that all of the castaways were fully aware of every single moment of every single sacrifice hat he ever makes. Masochist, and a vocal one at that.

Sawyer Ford - Sawyer loves his stealing, and he loves his guns. Sawyer is also to blaming others as Jack is to unnecessary and annoying self sacrifice. Sadist.

Kate Austen - Kate spent the better part of 6 seasons pitting Jack and Sawyer against each other to compete for her affections. She also seems to have a strong aversion to cages and handcuffs, as she tried to escape them at every opportunity. Oh yeah, she also blew up a house while her stepfather was inside. And she stole Claire’s baby. Sadist. And violent.

John Locke - Oooooh, this is a tough one. Locke has the same martyr complex as Jack. And he spent the first 40 years of his like being bullied and manipulated by others. But he also carries around a lot of shiny knives, and frequently throws them at friend and foe alike. I’ll go with the preponderance of the evidence and vote masochist.

Sayid Jarrah - Sayid was a professional torturer for the Republican guard! Sadist. Enough of a sadist that he would be overqualified for any type of mid-level sadist position. (What the hell kind of company would have any kind of sadist position, let alone a mid-level one?)

Ben Linus - This is an easy one - did anyone on the show, or pretty much anyone in television history, get the shit kicked out of themselves more than Ben Linus? He even submitted to having surgery performed on him by his mortal enemy! Of course, Ben’s constant beatings almost inevitably benefited him; and on several occasions, he purposefully initiated them. Ben is a proactive masochist.

Hurley Reyes - Oh look at Hurley, just standing there in the background with that innocent look on his face while all of his friends were getting beaten up and killed around him. Now look at Hurley, the last man standing, because everyone else is dead or dying, just like we should have known all along. Sadit. In fact, this master manipulator was probably the most sadistic fuck on this list.

There you have it boppers, an inappropriate deconstruction of one of your favorite shows. Please feel free to suggest any shows, movies, books, etc for future Tuesday blog entries.

Just don’t suggest any real people.