Welcome to part 3 of my attempt at extreme behavior modification via the therapeutic embrace of consumer electronics. Such modification is necessary because I am a television addict who has 50 shows programmed into his DVR. To solve my problem, I am going through the list one by one to decide which shows to keep, and which to cut.
Here are the ground rules:
- My goal is to get this list down to 30 shows, which will make me less of a social liability. So far I have cut 7 shows, which means I have 13 to go.
- Reality shows are automatically cut unless there is a VERY good reason to keep them.
- anything that Kristen watches is automatically cut.
I have already broken the last two rules, which does not auger well for the rest of the list. One warning; things are about to get pretty obscure around these parts, and, as we saw from that David Lynch reference last time, obscure shows mean obscure references. Fortunately, unless I am very, very wrong about how blogging works, all three of you are using the internet to read this entry. That means Wikipedia is only a short click away. Don’t make me do all of the work for you, people!
Without further ado, here are 21 - 30:
21. Heroes - Oh god, we‘ve gotten to the self-loathing portion of this exercise, as I don‘t feel good about having to admit that I still watch this show. Don’t get me wrong, I really loved the first season; scroll down a few entries into the blog archive, and you can see my slightly overenthusiastic review of the first few episodes. Boy, I could really sling some bullshit back in the day, huh? In my defense, I believed (and still believe) that the first season was special. But then it stopped being good. Abruptly. I won’t get into what was wrong with the show. Okay fine, the characterization was painfully inconsistent and the constant use of time travel and resurrection made dramatic tension impossible. We’d get one good episode every 2 months or so, and I’d perk right up and announce that it was good again, only to have the Amy Jo‘s of the world shake their heads at me in disgust. It’s cancelled, so it’s automatically cut, but it really would have been cathartic to rid myself of that particular albatross before someone else cut it off of my neck. Cut.
22. The Sarah Silverman Program - A negative review from Matt Roush of TV Guide described the show as “Feminist Frat Boy Humor” which is as good of a description as any. But its offensiveness belied a lot of very progressive qualities: the star was a woman, and for the first time, allowed her to be the catalyst of the show’s raunchiness rather that the victim. And Sarah’s sidekicks were a relatively progressive gay couple, and was actually nominated for a GLAAD media award. But for the most part, it was an offensive mess of a show that I loved. Recently cancelled, which is a shame, because it consistently made me laugh out loud. Cut due to cancellation.
23. Friday Night Lights - Let’s get this off of my chest right now, I hate every goddamn one of you for not watching Friday Night Lights and making me have to constantly worry about it being cancelled. As with many of my favorite shows over the years, it stars a fictional family that I wish would adopt me. Having Coach Taylore as my dad means that I’d finally learn to throw a decent spiral, I’d be in the same high school class as Minka Kelly and Adrianne Palicki, and would definitely be a grateful and happy child, unlike that selfish ingrate Julie Fucking Taylor. But I digress from my main point, which is that there is a special place in hell for everyone who doesn’t like Friday Night Lights. Keep.
24. Scrubs - First, an apology for the last entry; your utter refusal to embrace the awesomness that is Friday Night Lights does make me emotional. Scrubs was a very underrated sitcom that probably had one of the best endings that I had ever seen; a montage of Zach Braff’s idyllic future interspersed with cameos from all of the guest stars that had ever appeared on the show. It was surreal, yet touching, and in hindsight, kind of reminds me of…well, Lost. All’s well that ends well. Except not. Because it came back for another season, with half the cast replaced. And instead of replacing them with characters that were talented and insecure and endearingly quirky, which is the entire charm of the show, they replaced everyone with assholes. An alpha male asshole. A blonde asshole. A frat boy asshole. An airhead asshole. A school full of assholes engaging in constant assholery. Kind of tough to like a show where I hate everyone. Cut.
25. Top Chef - It’s a reality show; that’s one strike against it. Kristen also loves this show, so there’s strike two. Final question - are any of this season’s contestants someone I knew when I was in high school? Because that would be a compelling reason to keep it. No? Not this year? Then cut.
26. United States of Tara - I was unable to think of anything funny or insightful about this show. It’s fine, I guess, but nothing special. Since I’m so un-inspired, I will steal my brilliant friend Jeneen’s controversial theory about the dialogue in the movie Juno, which was written by the show’s creator, Diablo Cody. The first ten minutes of Juno were incomprehensible, and turned a lot of people off to the movie before it even got rolling. I could barely understand a word that anyone said. And then, as we got settled in, the syntax of the movie started making sense. This raises the question: did we simply stop noticing the poor dialogue, like in a movie with subtitles or strange accents? Or did someone notice how horrible the writing was after the first ten minutes and tell Diablo Cody to knock it off and stop writing like a jackass? As far as the show goes…keep.
27. Dollhouse - Here’s a formula for success: create a role that would be a difficult for even the most talented actress, but would also guarantee five years worth of Emmy nominations for the woman that pulled it off. Then, take that part and cast it with a wooden, one dimensional actress like Elisa Dushku, which happened because you have some kind of unhealthy sado-masochistic fascination with said actress. I am a admitted Joss Whedon fan, but come on, Elisa Dushku? Next time, try to focus your sick fantasies on someone who can actually act. Oh, who am I kidding, when his next show comes out in two years starring Hayden Panitierre as a Gulf War Vet who hunts and kills cartoon cereal mascots, that show will also end up on the DVR. As this show is cancelled, cut.
28. Ashes to Ashes - This is one that I know that you never heard of. It’s a British show about a police officer who is shot, goes into a coma, and awakes to find herself in the early 1980’s. The show does not explain how or why this happened. And even though it’s filled with cop show cliches and self serving jokes about the 80’s, and isn’t really that good, I HAVE TO FIND OUT HOW IT ENDS. A fun legal fact that I learned from this show: apparently accused criminals in England have no rights whatsoever. A good ten minutes of each episode involves one or more of the police officers beating the hell out some victim to get them to talk, or because they got in the way, or because they looked at them funny, or because they looked at them sexily, or because they were there. Thankfully, most are actually innocent. Come for the mystery, stay for the graphic police brutality. Keep.
29. Better Off Ted - I’m depressed even talking about this show it was funny and smart, but still had enough dick jokes to appeal to the lowest common denominator. It’s cancelled, so cut, but I’m still annoyed.
30. Krod Magnon and the Flaming Sword of Fire - Kristen! What kind of nonsense show did you add this time? I’m just kidding, I can’t blame her for this one, this is my folly. This is the stuff of which television addictions are made, and symbolizes the whole point of the list. Cut, but not in time to salvage my self respect.
So the tally for this round is an amazing 7 shows cut! Add this to last week’s total, and I’m at 14 shows cut! I am officially 140% more efficient than I was at the start of last week.
Next time, part 4! Plus, a sinister menace threatens to derail our hero’s progress!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
The Continuing Adventures of the DVR Kid, part 2
As promised, here is part 2. In case you forgot, or are a new viewer, here’s the deal: I am in the middle of a wildly successful attempt to reclaim control over my own life by purging the number of shows programmed into my DVR. I know, this is some high concept material.
The rules are as follows:
- I am trying to cut this list from the original list of 50 shows to less than 30 shows. So far, I have gotten rid of 3 so far.
- Reality shows are automatically cut unless there is a VERY good reason to keep them.
- anything that Kristen watches is automatically cut.
Check out the previous entry for numbers 1-10. Here’s 11-20.
11. Saturday Night Live - Here’s the problem. I just don’t get Saturday Night Live. I don’t get Dick In A Box. I don’t get Jizz In My Pants. I don’t get I’m On A Boat. Here’s the formula: Andy Sandberg opens up a Mad Libs. He creates a sentence in which the subject has nothing to do with the object. Like Dick and Box. And Jizz and Pants.
And repeat.
And repeat.
And repeat.
And post to Youtube.
And repeat.
Our Sunday morning tradition was to watch the recording of the previous night’s SNL when we got up. With fast forwarding, it took about an hour. Then 45 minutes. Then a half hour. Now we average about 7 minutes total, and the only reason it‘s that high is because once we watched the entire segment where Kesha was performing with the laser fingers. This one is cut, so I can et back those 7 precious minutes.
12. Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations - I’m going to contradict myself, because this is technically a reality show. But this is a reality show where its star is a 80’s burnout who travels around the world, eating whatever he wants, displaying utter contempt for almost everyone he encounters, and generally acting like an asshole. In other words, welcome to my internal monologue. Keep.
13. Rescue Me - This show is a victim of it‘s own hubris. This show is very good at being funny. It is also very good at being sentimental, and can always be counted upon to evoke an emotional response.. But when it tried to be moralistic, it was terrible. The first half of last season with Michael J. Fox guest starring as an obnoxious drunk was gold. Second half of last season, when it was clumsily trying to create a parable about the dangers of alcoholism? It was shit, almost cartoonish. (Albeit an incredibly violent cartoon.) Keep, but stop trying to teach me a lesson, and just entertain me.
14. Mad Men - It could be the best show on television. But I have a problem with this show. Here’s the thing. Last year, while I was visiting my parents, I happened to watch an episode with my mom. As she was a former executive assistant on Madison Avenue in the early to mid 1960‘s, and she commented on how realistic the show was. If you have ever actually watched the show, you can probably understand how profoundly disturbing that particular comment is to hear from you mother. To put it another way, if an old man with nasally voice, a patchy beard, and a fedora shows up at my door one of these days, I won’t be shocked. Keep, so that I can find out who my real parents are.
15. The Soup Presents - Okay, seriously Kristen, so you have us DVRing a “best of” version of a fucking clip show? I get it, you love Joel McHale more than you love me, but this is ridiculous. This is the kind of shit causes me to take 6 months between blog entries. Cut.
16. Long Way Down -This is an obscure but enjoyable British miniseries chronicling Ewan MacGregor and Charley Boorman’s motorcycle journey from Scotland to Cape Town in Africa. The best parts happened when the two of them would roll into some random European hamlet, and half the villagers swarmed around Ewan MacGregor with Obi Wan Kenobi posters and Trainspotting brand syringes, while poor Charlie sat by himself, fat and alone. Probably happened every episode. Fun show, but Charlie is much too fat and insecure to ride a motorcycle at this point, so their chances of getting back on the road are slim. Cut.
17. Project Runway - So this a reality show that Kristen watches. If I didn’t have at least 5 people reading this entry that liked her better than me, then this would be so frigging cut. But I’m feeling magnanimous tonight, so I’ll give you this one as an early Christmas present. (Because I already gave you your early birthday present.) Keep.
18. Say Yes to the Dress - Cut, because I’m only human. Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. (Unless you feel like trading away Valentine’s Day 2011? Whatever, because it's a win-win.)
19. Entourage - Oh, this one is tough. What is Entourage, exactly? Save for the occasional zinger by Johnny Drama or Ari Gold, it’s not really that funny, so we can‘t call it a comedy. It’s not a drama; there’s no tension because nothing bad ever happens to any of the characters. It’s almost like an extended dream sequence. But what if it isn’t all it seems? What if the first six seasons of the show are like the movie Mulholland Drive? In that movie, the first half is an extended dream sequence, in which an actress played by Naomi Watts lives the perfect Hollywood life, meets a gorgeous woman and is well on her way to becoming a celebrated actress. But then, she wakes up, and in the second half of the movie, returns to the cruel reality of her less than successful real life. So what if the next season of Entourage is like the second half of Mulholland Drive, where all of the characters wake up to their own cruel reality, and everything is the opposite of what it seems? What if Vince is really a heroin addled junkie, turning tricks for food? What if Eric is really an interesting and compelling character who actually deserves everything that drops into his lap? What if Turtle is really a fat piece of shit? (Because his awfulness would transcend any reality.) And what if Johnny Drama is the best actor in Hollywood? I for one want live in a world where the name of Johnny Drama is mentioned in the same breath as Brando and DeNiro. Keep, just in case my hunch is right.
That’s right, I just made a David Lynch reference, and at the same time, casually explained the plot of one of the most convoluted movies of the last 10 years in a paragraph. You’re welcome.
20. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia - There’s nothing I can say that about this show, except that it’s the best sitcom on television, bar none. Keep, keep, keep.
So, final score for the second 10 shows? Kept 6, cut 4. Total for two days? Kept 13, cut 7. Result? I am now 70% more efficient. Chances are, I am now the most efficient person that you know. Feel free to marvel at my robot like efficiency.
Stay tuned for part 3. I deserve to have my eyes gouged out for some of the shows on the next part of this list.
The rules are as follows:
- I am trying to cut this list from the original list of 50 shows to less than 30 shows. So far, I have gotten rid of 3 so far.
- Reality shows are automatically cut unless there is a VERY good reason to keep them.
- anything that Kristen watches is automatically cut.
Check out the previous entry for numbers 1-10. Here’s 11-20.
11. Saturday Night Live - Here’s the problem. I just don’t get Saturday Night Live. I don’t get Dick In A Box. I don’t get Jizz In My Pants. I don’t get I’m On A Boat. Here’s the formula: Andy Sandberg opens up a Mad Libs. He creates a sentence in which the subject has nothing to do with the object. Like Dick and Box. And Jizz and Pants.
And repeat.
And repeat.
And repeat.
And post to Youtube.
And repeat.
Our Sunday morning tradition was to watch the recording of the previous night’s SNL when we got up. With fast forwarding, it took about an hour. Then 45 minutes. Then a half hour. Now we average about 7 minutes total, and the only reason it‘s that high is because once we watched the entire segment where Kesha was performing with the laser fingers. This one is cut, so I can et back those 7 precious minutes.
12. Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations - I’m going to contradict myself, because this is technically a reality show. But this is a reality show where its star is a 80’s burnout who travels around the world, eating whatever he wants, displaying utter contempt for almost everyone he encounters, and generally acting like an asshole. In other words, welcome to my internal monologue. Keep.
13. Rescue Me - This show is a victim of it‘s own hubris. This show is very good at being funny. It is also very good at being sentimental, and can always be counted upon to evoke an emotional response.. But when it tried to be moralistic, it was terrible. The first half of last season with Michael J. Fox guest starring as an obnoxious drunk was gold. Second half of last season, when it was clumsily trying to create a parable about the dangers of alcoholism? It was shit, almost cartoonish. (Albeit an incredibly violent cartoon.) Keep, but stop trying to teach me a lesson, and just entertain me.
14. Mad Men - It could be the best show on television. But I have a problem with this show. Here’s the thing. Last year, while I was visiting my parents, I happened to watch an episode with my mom. As she was a former executive assistant on Madison Avenue in the early to mid 1960‘s, and she commented on how realistic the show was. If you have ever actually watched the show, you can probably understand how profoundly disturbing that particular comment is to hear from you mother. To put it another way, if an old man with nasally voice, a patchy beard, and a fedora shows up at my door one of these days, I won’t be shocked. Keep, so that I can find out who my real parents are.
15. The Soup Presents - Okay, seriously Kristen, so you have us DVRing a “best of” version of a fucking clip show? I get it, you love Joel McHale more than you love me, but this is ridiculous. This is the kind of shit causes me to take 6 months between blog entries. Cut.
16. Long Way Down -This is an obscure but enjoyable British miniseries chronicling Ewan MacGregor and Charley Boorman’s motorcycle journey from Scotland to Cape Town in Africa. The best parts happened when the two of them would roll into some random European hamlet, and half the villagers swarmed around Ewan MacGregor with Obi Wan Kenobi posters and Trainspotting brand syringes, while poor Charlie sat by himself, fat and alone. Probably happened every episode. Fun show, but Charlie is much too fat and insecure to ride a motorcycle at this point, so their chances of getting back on the road are slim. Cut.
17. Project Runway - So this a reality show that Kristen watches. If I didn’t have at least 5 people reading this entry that liked her better than me, then this would be so frigging cut. But I’m feeling magnanimous tonight, so I’ll give you this one as an early Christmas present. (Because I already gave you your early birthday present.) Keep.
18. Say Yes to the Dress - Cut, because I’m only human. Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. (Unless you feel like trading away Valentine’s Day 2011? Whatever, because it's a win-win.)
19. Entourage - Oh, this one is tough. What is Entourage, exactly? Save for the occasional zinger by Johnny Drama or Ari Gold, it’s not really that funny, so we can‘t call it a comedy. It’s not a drama; there’s no tension because nothing bad ever happens to any of the characters. It’s almost like an extended dream sequence. But what if it isn’t all it seems? What if the first six seasons of the show are like the movie Mulholland Drive? In that movie, the first half is an extended dream sequence, in which an actress played by Naomi Watts lives the perfect Hollywood life, meets a gorgeous woman and is well on her way to becoming a celebrated actress. But then, she wakes up, and in the second half of the movie, returns to the cruel reality of her less than successful real life. So what if the next season of Entourage is like the second half of Mulholland Drive, where all of the characters wake up to their own cruel reality, and everything is the opposite of what it seems? What if Vince is really a heroin addled junkie, turning tricks for food? What if Eric is really an interesting and compelling character who actually deserves everything that drops into his lap? What if Turtle is really a fat piece of shit? (Because his awfulness would transcend any reality.) And what if Johnny Drama is the best actor in Hollywood? I for one want live in a world where the name of Johnny Drama is mentioned in the same breath as Brando and DeNiro. Keep, just in case my hunch is right.
That’s right, I just made a David Lynch reference, and at the same time, casually explained the plot of one of the most convoluted movies of the last 10 years in a paragraph. You’re welcome.
20. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia - There’s nothing I can say that about this show, except that it’s the best sitcom on television, bar none. Keep, keep, keep.
So, final score for the second 10 shows? Kept 6, cut 4. Total for two days? Kept 13, cut 7. Result? I am now 70% more efficient. Chances are, I am now the most efficient person that you know. Feel free to marvel at my robot like efficiency.
Stay tuned for part 3. I deserve to have my eyes gouged out for some of the shows on the next part of this list.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
The Continuing Adventures of the DVR Kid, part 1
I had a serious wake up call today. I’ve lived my life under the illusion that it was a balanced existence, between work, family, relaxation, etc. And I watched a decent amount of TV, but so does everyone, right? I have a DVR. When I see a show that I like, I add it to the Season Pass, so I can watch at my leisure. Like any other average healthy television watcher.
Or so I thought. Earlier, I was watching a show that I found to be mildly enjoyable. After laughing out loud at a particularly ribald comment, I decided that it won me over, and would be worthy of a spot on the list. I‘m an average television watching joe, after all, who has plenty of room in his schedule for another silly sitcom, right? However, when I selected the “Record Series” option, the following message appeared:
“There is no room in the Series Manager to schedule this request. You must delete an existing item to free space.”
Wait, what? How could an average middle of the road television watcher like me have reached the limit of his DVR capacity? How may shows do I have saved to my Season Pass? How may shows do I actually watch on a regular basis? I hurriedly activated the Series Manager, hoping that it could someone be a mistake. Was it 20? 25? Surely it couldn’t be any higher.
Oh no, surely it could. Because according that mean Series Manager, it is currently set to record 50 different series.
The realization was immediate and harsh.
I’ve wasted my life.
This is why I haven’t won the Pulitzer Prize. This is why I don’t have any children. This is why I’m unable to laugh at anything that doesn’t involve sarcasm or cruelty to others.
But with that wake up call came inspiration. I will go through the Series Manager, show by show, and purge the list, and through this glorious purification, I will get my life back!
So join me for this exploration, deep into my psyche and my soul, as we undergo this catharsis together.
The rules for this blog entry are simple:
- I need to cut this list to less than 30 shows.
- Reality shows are automatically cut.
- anything that Kristen watches is automatically cut. It’s only fair that she does her part.
My DVR Season Pass - shows 1 - 10:
1. South Park - when I was in law school, this was a show about foul mouthed kids that culd have been made by a kindergardener with construction paper. However, within a few years, the South Park movie was released, and managed to transcend the genre of animated films (and arguably musicals as well.) While the show isn’t always laugh out loud funny, it does offer social commentary that is as sophisticated as anything on The Daily Show and or The Colbert Report. Keep.
2. The Office - For a brief, shining moment, this show became a satire that finally broke away from the far superior British version to reflect a twisted but familiar version of an American office. And then, just as they were hitting their stride, Michael Scott devolved into a misogynistic man child. Still, it makes me laugh once in a while. Keep.
3. 30 Rock - How could I get rid of this show when Tina Fey looks just like Amy Jo? Keep, keep, keep!
4. Grey’s Anatomy - I know what you’re thinking, but did you see that last episode?!? It was a fucking bloodbath! Crazed gunmen, snipers, head shots, violence?! If this show is going to be Die Hard in a hospital every week, then Yippie Ki Yay, Motherfucker, this one stays on the keep list!
5. Lost - Since it’s already over, I might as well cancel it. In the sideways world, my DVR would be able to save 500 shows, and more importantly, NO ONE WILL JUDGE. On a side note, my friend Amy predicted the ending of Lost. In FEBRUARY. Aim, any chance you can write the rest this entry for me so that it might actually be funny?
6. Pardon the Interruption - In the show Mad Men, Don Draper always seems to come home at the end of the day and make a beeline for whatever tawny colored liquid happens to be in that decanter in the liquor cabinet. He does this to help take the edge off his horrible 8 hour day that was mostly spent ogling receptionists or lounging in his cafeteria sized office. (I’m told this was typical for office workers in the early 1960’s.) I don’t have a receptionist or a large office or a decanter of anything, so instead, I watch Pardon the Interruption every evening to take the edge off of my day. Keep, lest I become a beatnik.
7. The Simpsons - wow, this one hurts. But it stopped being funny not long after the demise of Mr. Plow, and I’ve only cut one show so far. When this show started, I was 3 years older than Bart. I am now 3 years younger than Homer. Cut. I’m sad, but cut.
8. Family Guy - Stuff 30 jokes into 22 minutes, and I‘m bound to laugh at something, right? Well, yeah, I guess so. And the Rhode Island references probably make the show at least 20% funnier to me that they do to most other people. Keep. But don’t get lazy.
9. Robot Chicken - oooooohhhhh, 70’s Mego superhero figures comparing masturbation techniques! Keep Keep Keep!
10. The Soup - On one hand, my wife has a crush on Joel McHale. On the other hand, the existence of Google Reader renders this show obsolete. Cut.
Okay, so far, we have cut 3 out of 10 shows, which means my life is now 30% more efficient! Congratulations, me!
Stay tuned for part 2. The top 10 were respectable, but I previewed the next 10, and this is going to get ugly in a hurry.
Or so I thought. Earlier, I was watching a show that I found to be mildly enjoyable. After laughing out loud at a particularly ribald comment, I decided that it won me over, and would be worthy of a spot on the list. I‘m an average television watching joe, after all, who has plenty of room in his schedule for another silly sitcom, right? However, when I selected the “Record Series” option, the following message appeared:
“There is no room in the Series Manager to schedule this request. You must delete an existing item to free space.”
Wait, what? How could an average middle of the road television watcher like me have reached the limit of his DVR capacity? How may shows do I have saved to my Season Pass? How may shows do I actually watch on a regular basis? I hurriedly activated the Series Manager, hoping that it could someone be a mistake. Was it 20? 25? Surely it couldn’t be any higher.
Oh no, surely it could. Because according that mean Series Manager, it is currently set to record 50 different series.
The realization was immediate and harsh.
I’ve wasted my life.
This is why I haven’t won the Pulitzer Prize. This is why I don’t have any children. This is why I’m unable to laugh at anything that doesn’t involve sarcasm or cruelty to others.
But with that wake up call came inspiration. I will go through the Series Manager, show by show, and purge the list, and through this glorious purification, I will get my life back!
So join me for this exploration, deep into my psyche and my soul, as we undergo this catharsis together.
The rules for this blog entry are simple:
- I need to cut this list to less than 30 shows.
- Reality shows are automatically cut.
- anything that Kristen watches is automatically cut. It’s only fair that she does her part.
My DVR Season Pass - shows 1 - 10:
1. South Park - when I was in law school, this was a show about foul mouthed kids that culd have been made by a kindergardener with construction paper. However, within a few years, the South Park movie was released, and managed to transcend the genre of animated films (and arguably musicals as well.) While the show isn’t always laugh out loud funny, it does offer social commentary that is as sophisticated as anything on The Daily Show and or The Colbert Report. Keep.
2. The Office - For a brief, shining moment, this show became a satire that finally broke away from the far superior British version to reflect a twisted but familiar version of an American office. And then, just as they were hitting their stride, Michael Scott devolved into a misogynistic man child. Still, it makes me laugh once in a while. Keep.
3. 30 Rock - How could I get rid of this show when Tina Fey looks just like Amy Jo? Keep, keep, keep!
4. Grey’s Anatomy - I know what you’re thinking, but did you see that last episode?!? It was a fucking bloodbath! Crazed gunmen, snipers, head shots, violence?! If this show is going to be Die Hard in a hospital every week, then Yippie Ki Yay, Motherfucker, this one stays on the keep list!
5. Lost - Since it’s already over, I might as well cancel it. In the sideways world, my DVR would be able to save 500 shows, and more importantly, NO ONE WILL JUDGE. On a side note, my friend Amy predicted the ending of Lost. In FEBRUARY. Aim, any chance you can write the rest this entry for me so that it might actually be funny?
6. Pardon the Interruption - In the show Mad Men, Don Draper always seems to come home at the end of the day and make a beeline for whatever tawny colored liquid happens to be in that decanter in the liquor cabinet. He does this to help take the edge off his horrible 8 hour day that was mostly spent ogling receptionists or lounging in his cafeteria sized office. (I’m told this was typical for office workers in the early 1960’s.) I don’t have a receptionist or a large office or a decanter of anything, so instead, I watch Pardon the Interruption every evening to take the edge off of my day. Keep, lest I become a beatnik.
7. The Simpsons - wow, this one hurts. But it stopped being funny not long after the demise of Mr. Plow, and I’ve only cut one show so far. When this show started, I was 3 years older than Bart. I am now 3 years younger than Homer. Cut. I’m sad, but cut.
8. Family Guy - Stuff 30 jokes into 22 minutes, and I‘m bound to laugh at something, right? Well, yeah, I guess so. And the Rhode Island references probably make the show at least 20% funnier to me that they do to most other people. Keep. But don’t get lazy.
9. Robot Chicken - oooooohhhhh, 70’s Mego superhero figures comparing masturbation techniques! Keep Keep Keep!
10. The Soup - On one hand, my wife has a crush on Joel McHale. On the other hand, the existence of Google Reader renders this show obsolete. Cut.
Okay, so far, we have cut 3 out of 10 shows, which means my life is now 30% more efficient! Congratulations, me!
Stay tuned for part 2. The top 10 were respectable, but I previewed the next 10, and this is going to get ugly in a hurry.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
800 Channels of Awfulness- A Complimentary Guide to Your Television Listings at 3:15 AM, Wednesday, July 22, 2009
So here we are on the family room couch at 3:15 AM. I’ve given up any and all hope of falling asleep anytime soon, and chose to ignore the ever growing pile of books near my bed. No, instead, I have trudged all the way downstairs to flip on the TV. The purpose of this mission is to find something that could paradoxically be interesting enough to watch, but at the same time, boring enough to actually cause me to sleep. So here, for your reading pleasure, is the actual transcript of my television viewing for Wednesday morning at 3:15 AM on July 22, 2009.
Note to readers: obviously, this is not a comprehensive listing of all of my channels, because every single channel that I don’t mention below was showing an infomercial. Even the movie channels. Even the pay per view channels. For someone who watches so much television, I am both ignorant and spiteful of infomercials, as befits someone with a pile of unread books next to his bed. I had no idea about who Billy Mays was until Michael Jackson had him killed last month.
Without further ado, my spin around the dial:
ABC - Foreclosed Home Auctions in Your Area - The title to this one pretty much says it all. Oh look, a condo 4 doors down from me is on the market for $30,000 less than I paid for it! And unlike mine, it has a finished basement! And a new water heater! Why am I having shortness of breath right now?
Pay Per View Channel 159 - The Wiz Starring Michael Jackson for only $2.99! Okay, this is getting out of hand. I have to pay $2.99 for a movie that I could have gotten for free by digging through the dumpster in the back of the Netflix headquarters if I happened to be diving in said dumpster on or before June 24, 2009. I could buy two and a half of his songs from ITunes for that kind of scratch!
Pay Per View Channel 195 - Sport Slut Sessions - $10.95 and Pay Per View Channel 196 - Desperate MILF’s - $6.95 - How can they justify this age based price discrepancy?!? Looks like the Desperate MILF’s have a pretty good court case going here.
ESPN News - ESPN News - The most descriptively named channel on television; the name of the channel is also the name of its only show. This channel is like a kaleidoscope for men in their 20’s and 30’s. Lots of pretty colors that move around the screen, but no matter what direction you turn it, it’s just the same thing repeating itself again and again and again. Missed the 14 different angles of Lebron James’ slam dunk? Don’t worry, it’ll be on again in a half hour. Missed Stuart Scott making the same hackneyed catch phrase? Don’t worry, it’ll be on again in a half hour, and then again every day for the rest of your life.
Food Network - Ace of Cakes - Oooooh, a Lost Cake, featuring little cake figures of each member of the cast on a tiny cake island. The main ingredient is delayed gratification. And you have to wait 18 months between bites.
Reality Network - Punk’d with Ellen Pompeo. I have a great Grey’s Anatomy joke here, but that would betray the fact that I watch this show regularly.
AMC - In the Line of Fire - Wait, what? I’ve heard of this movie. I enjoy this movie! Clint Eastwood, John Malcovich,…this is more like it, I’ll just settle in and…wait, why is John Malcovich already in the banquet hall, putting together his plastic gun? It’s almost over?!? The ONE WATCHABLE THING I FIND ALL NIGHT AND IT ENDS AT 3 goddamn 20?!? Argggggggghhhhh.
Fit TV - Free Money - More specifically, the description is “Free Money For Americans.” It sounds like the subject line of a Nigerian scam e-mail.
History - Extreme Trains - The History Channel or its cousin, the Military Channel is usually one of my standby middle of the night channels, regaling me with tales of obscure Presidents like Chester A. Arthur, or stories of 18th century generals wiping out some indigenous tribe or another. Instead, tonight’s fare is “Extreme Trains.” Ummm, yeah, okay. I can work with this. Maybe it will be some old train from the Wild West, trailblazing its way to the frontier. Or a maybe its Japanese Bullet train…yeah, those are cool. Today’s exotic train is… the Acela.
Yes, the Acela. The one that runs from Boston to New York to Philly, and to other places south of Philadelphia that nobody cares about. Wow, the cable gods can’t even throw me a little bone tonight.
Channels 268, 270, 274, 302, 314, 322 - these are all playing the exact same Male Enhancement Vitamin Infomercial. I appreciate the thought, but no, I don‘t think so. I just told you in the last blog entry what happens when I try to wake my wife up
Bravo - West Wing - Is this the one where all of the characters engage in witty acronym filled dialogue while they weave through the hallways of the White House like the Harlem fucking Globetrotters without ever losing their train of thought? Or is it the one where Martin Sheen ends a fierce political standoff between bitter rivals with a wise pronouncement, not unlike a late 20th Century Ward Cleaver? Yes, I just made a West Wing joke. It’s 3:15 in the morning, people, I don’t have that much to work with!!!
Science Channel - World Without People. This is a “documentary” which posits the question of what would happen to the planet Earth if every single human being vanished in an instant. It explores what would happen to animals, natural wonders, etc., if those inconvenient humans weren’t roaming around, making a mess of everything. At first I enjoyed the premise. Then I realized something that I couldn’t get past. People don’t just disappear.
(No shit, Sherlock.)
What I mean by this is that the premise of this show is that every single person just vanished. Poof. Gone There are a lot of ways that the world can come to and end, some realistic, and some far fetched, and believe me, I have probably pondered every last one of them. But NONE of them involve all 6 billion human beings vanishing at once! It’s not realistic! I’m not interested in seeing another episode unless it shows me how all these clever animals and plants will be re-asserting their mastery of the Planet Earth while also dealing with the small matter of 6 billion disease ridden rotting corpses.
And another thing. If every single person did vanish suddenly, one of the first things that would happen is that every single nuclear power plant would simultaneously go into meltdown, irradiating every living thing on 7 continents right down to the cockroaches.
So forgive me for wanting to have my doomsday scenarios to be somewhat realistic.
Cartoon Network - ROBOT CHICKEN! - Yes! Finally something I can watch. For all of 10 minutes, because that’s how long the show lasts. For those of you who don’t know, it’s a show that uses stop motion animation of old action figures to play out humorous sketches. Much like every Hollywood movie of the last two summers (for further reference, see Jones, Indiana, and Formers, Trans) its real purpose is to corrupt every fond memory of those of us old enough to be members of Generation X. Tonight’s episode features a GI Joe figure sodomizing a Star Wars figure.
VH1 - The TO Show - Really? Now they’re just taunting me. I’m begging, BEGGING for something to watch, and I get a sitcom about the person who I LOATHE more than anyone. Is this the one where he does sit-ups in his driveway? Or the one where he OD’s in his basement? Thanks TV gods, I was wondering how I was going to come up with an ironic ending for this blog.
Good night.
Note to readers: obviously, this is not a comprehensive listing of all of my channels, because every single channel that I don’t mention below was showing an infomercial. Even the movie channels. Even the pay per view channels. For someone who watches so much television, I am both ignorant and spiteful of infomercials, as befits someone with a pile of unread books next to his bed. I had no idea about who Billy Mays was until Michael Jackson had him killed last month.
Without further ado, my spin around the dial:
ABC - Foreclosed Home Auctions in Your Area - The title to this one pretty much says it all. Oh look, a condo 4 doors down from me is on the market for $30,000 less than I paid for it! And unlike mine, it has a finished basement! And a new water heater! Why am I having shortness of breath right now?
Pay Per View Channel 159 - The Wiz Starring Michael Jackson for only $2.99! Okay, this is getting out of hand. I have to pay $2.99 for a movie that I could have gotten for free by digging through the dumpster in the back of the Netflix headquarters if I happened to be diving in said dumpster on or before June 24, 2009. I could buy two and a half of his songs from ITunes for that kind of scratch!
Pay Per View Channel 195 - Sport Slut Sessions - $10.95 and Pay Per View Channel 196 - Desperate MILF’s - $6.95 - How can they justify this age based price discrepancy?!? Looks like the Desperate MILF’s have a pretty good court case going here.
ESPN News - ESPN News - The most descriptively named channel on television; the name of the channel is also the name of its only show. This channel is like a kaleidoscope for men in their 20’s and 30’s. Lots of pretty colors that move around the screen, but no matter what direction you turn it, it’s just the same thing repeating itself again and again and again. Missed the 14 different angles of Lebron James’ slam dunk? Don’t worry, it’ll be on again in a half hour. Missed Stuart Scott making the same hackneyed catch phrase? Don’t worry, it’ll be on again in a half hour, and then again every day for the rest of your life.
Food Network - Ace of Cakes - Oooooh, a Lost Cake, featuring little cake figures of each member of the cast on a tiny cake island. The main ingredient is delayed gratification. And you have to wait 18 months between bites.
Reality Network - Punk’d with Ellen Pompeo. I have a great Grey’s Anatomy joke here, but that would betray the fact that I watch this show regularly.
AMC - In the Line of Fire - Wait, what? I’ve heard of this movie. I enjoy this movie! Clint Eastwood, John Malcovich,…this is more like it, I’ll just settle in and…wait, why is John Malcovich already in the banquet hall, putting together his plastic gun? It’s almost over?!? The ONE WATCHABLE THING I FIND ALL NIGHT AND IT ENDS AT 3 goddamn 20?!? Argggggggghhhhh.
Fit TV - Free Money - More specifically, the description is “Free Money For Americans.” It sounds like the subject line of a Nigerian scam e-mail.
History - Extreme Trains - The History Channel or its cousin, the Military Channel is usually one of my standby middle of the night channels, regaling me with tales of obscure Presidents like Chester A. Arthur, or stories of 18th century generals wiping out some indigenous tribe or another. Instead, tonight’s fare is “Extreme Trains.” Ummm, yeah, okay. I can work with this. Maybe it will be some old train from the Wild West, trailblazing its way to the frontier. Or a maybe its Japanese Bullet train…yeah, those are cool. Today’s exotic train is… the Acela.
Yes, the Acela. The one that runs from Boston to New York to Philly, and to other places south of Philadelphia that nobody cares about. Wow, the cable gods can’t even throw me a little bone tonight.
Channels 268, 270, 274, 302, 314, 322 - these are all playing the exact same Male Enhancement Vitamin Infomercial. I appreciate the thought, but no, I don‘t think so. I just told you in the last blog entry what happens when I try to wake my wife up
Bravo - West Wing - Is this the one where all of the characters engage in witty acronym filled dialogue while they weave through the hallways of the White House like the Harlem fucking Globetrotters without ever losing their train of thought? Or is it the one where Martin Sheen ends a fierce political standoff between bitter rivals with a wise pronouncement, not unlike a late 20th Century Ward Cleaver? Yes, I just made a West Wing joke. It’s 3:15 in the morning, people, I don’t have that much to work with!!!
Science Channel - World Without People. This is a “documentary” which posits the question of what would happen to the planet Earth if every single human being vanished in an instant. It explores what would happen to animals, natural wonders, etc., if those inconvenient humans weren’t roaming around, making a mess of everything. At first I enjoyed the premise. Then I realized something that I couldn’t get past. People don’t just disappear.
(No shit, Sherlock.)
What I mean by this is that the premise of this show is that every single person just vanished. Poof. Gone There are a lot of ways that the world can come to and end, some realistic, and some far fetched, and believe me, I have probably pondered every last one of them. But NONE of them involve all 6 billion human beings vanishing at once! It’s not realistic! I’m not interested in seeing another episode unless it shows me how all these clever animals and plants will be re-asserting their mastery of the Planet Earth while also dealing with the small matter of 6 billion disease ridden rotting corpses.
And another thing. If every single person did vanish suddenly, one of the first things that would happen is that every single nuclear power plant would simultaneously go into meltdown, irradiating every living thing on 7 continents right down to the cockroaches.
So forgive me for wanting to have my doomsday scenarios to be somewhat realistic.
Cartoon Network - ROBOT CHICKEN! - Yes! Finally something I can watch. For all of 10 minutes, because that’s how long the show lasts. For those of you who don’t know, it’s a show that uses stop motion animation of old action figures to play out humorous sketches. Much like every Hollywood movie of the last two summers (for further reference, see Jones, Indiana, and Formers, Trans) its real purpose is to corrupt every fond memory of those of us old enough to be members of Generation X. Tonight’s episode features a GI Joe figure sodomizing a Star Wars figure.
VH1 - The TO Show - Really? Now they’re just taunting me. I’m begging, BEGGING for something to watch, and I get a sitcom about the person who I LOATHE more than anyone. Is this the one where he does sit-ups in his driveway? Or the one where he OD’s in his basement? Thanks TV gods, I was wondering how I was going to come up with an ironic ending for this blog.
Good night.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Why I’m Writing At 3:15 AM
(The following is a new kind of experimental writing called “trying to get through a blog entry in less that 4000 words so that I can actually write more than 2 of these in a year.”)
As most of you who are acquainted with me know, I am an insomniac. Unfortunately, I am not the fun kind of insomniac, who stays up going strong for hours on end, shot gunning beers and brawling with all those who cross my path before finally petering out at 2 or 3 in the morning. I am the boring kind of insomniac, who tends to nod off in front of the television (or at the bar, or at a friends house) no later than 10:30 on a weeknight, and 10:45 on a weekend. But I’m also the creepy kind of insomniac, who wakes up like clockwork, at 3:15 AM, while virtually every single person that I know and love in the world, even those on the west coast, are sound asleep. To paraphrase Jeneen, few things are right with the world when you are awake at 3:15 AM.
What does one do when it’s 3:15 AM and you’re the only person in the entire world who is awake, you may ask? When I was younger, and the world was a simpler place, subterfuge was key. I would sneak out of my bedroom, careful not to wake my father, whose first instinct would be to pull out his trusty Baretta and unleash a barrage of bullets into the darkness, not caring whether it struck friend or foe or first born child. (Every white middle class kid has woken up to unexplained gunshots that seem to emanate from somewhere inside their own house at least once in their life, right? Right?!?)
But now I don’t live in my parents house. Since I own a house, and don’t really have any reason to sneak around anymore, much of the charm and romance of insomnia has worn off. Of course, with a cell phone and the ability to lie convincingly, there is no limit to the level of havoc that I can wreak on friends and loved ones when I am awake at this hour. But most of you are safe, except for my favorite target, who is, of course, my poor, long suffering wife. There she lies, so peaceful, so innocent, so unsuspecting of the fact that her continued peaceful sleep depends solely on my whim. Once, when we were young and in love, waking her is the middle of the night would bet me with only mind annoyance, if not outright amusement, and even gratitude for the chance to spend an occasional stolen hour together. But now, while we are still both in love, neither of us are young, and even my most gentle attempt to wake her up is met with a “You’re a fucking asshole” or “Why can’t you please please please just let me sleep for one night?”
Okay, I’ll \let her sleep…for now.
The bedroom window in my old apartment had a window, which overlooked a lake, and gave a wide open view of the night sky. It was a beautiful view, and the moon’s illumination of the lake gave a very clear picture of what went on outside my window. Occasionally, during a late night sojourn through the window, I’d spy someone walking a dog, or sneaking out for a cigarette. Once, however, I saw a old man climb the fence between the my apartment and the lake. After he climbed over, he left a white plastic hanger on the black iron fence to mark his passing, and then disappeared into the lake with a gentle splash. It was so surreal that I thought I dreamed it, but the hangar was still there the next morning, and due to the laziness of myself and the rest of the tenants, remained all through the winter and even the following spring, and for all I know, remains there to this day. As for the man? I’ll probably never really know, but if they ever dredge the bottom of that rancid lake, they’ll probably find that drowned dead vagrant having sunken into the muck at the bottom.
Now my bedroom window overlooks at a parking lot, and I’m lucky to see so much as a stray cat.
Stay Tuned For Part 2 - Late Night Television Makes You Stupid, and Part3 - The Internet Is An Inescapable Pit of Despair.
As most of you who are acquainted with me know, I am an insomniac. Unfortunately, I am not the fun kind of insomniac, who stays up going strong for hours on end, shot gunning beers and brawling with all those who cross my path before finally petering out at 2 or 3 in the morning. I am the boring kind of insomniac, who tends to nod off in front of the television (or at the bar, or at a friends house) no later than 10:30 on a weeknight, and 10:45 on a weekend. But I’m also the creepy kind of insomniac, who wakes up like clockwork, at 3:15 AM, while virtually every single person that I know and love in the world, even those on the west coast, are sound asleep. To paraphrase Jeneen, few things are right with the world when you are awake at 3:15 AM.
What does one do when it’s 3:15 AM and you’re the only person in the entire world who is awake, you may ask? When I was younger, and the world was a simpler place, subterfuge was key. I would sneak out of my bedroom, careful not to wake my father, whose first instinct would be to pull out his trusty Baretta and unleash a barrage of bullets into the darkness, not caring whether it struck friend or foe or first born child. (Every white middle class kid has woken up to unexplained gunshots that seem to emanate from somewhere inside their own house at least once in their life, right? Right?!?)
But now I don’t live in my parents house. Since I own a house, and don’t really have any reason to sneak around anymore, much of the charm and romance of insomnia has worn off. Of course, with a cell phone and the ability to lie convincingly, there is no limit to the level of havoc that I can wreak on friends and loved ones when I am awake at this hour. But most of you are safe, except for my favorite target, who is, of course, my poor, long suffering wife. There she lies, so peaceful, so innocent, so unsuspecting of the fact that her continued peaceful sleep depends solely on my whim. Once, when we were young and in love, waking her is the middle of the night would bet me with only mind annoyance, if not outright amusement, and even gratitude for the chance to spend an occasional stolen hour together. But now, while we are still both in love, neither of us are young, and even my most gentle attempt to wake her up is met with a “You’re a fucking asshole” or “Why can’t you please please please just let me sleep for one night?”
Okay, I’ll \let her sleep…for now.
The bedroom window in my old apartment had a window, which overlooked a lake, and gave a wide open view of the night sky. It was a beautiful view, and the moon’s illumination of the lake gave a very clear picture of what went on outside my window. Occasionally, during a late night sojourn through the window, I’d spy someone walking a dog, or sneaking out for a cigarette. Once, however, I saw a old man climb the fence between the my apartment and the lake. After he climbed over, he left a white plastic hanger on the black iron fence to mark his passing, and then disappeared into the lake with a gentle splash. It was so surreal that I thought I dreamed it, but the hangar was still there the next morning, and due to the laziness of myself and the rest of the tenants, remained all through the winter and even the following spring, and for all I know, remains there to this day. As for the man? I’ll probably never really know, but if they ever dredge the bottom of that rancid lake, they’ll probably find that drowned dead vagrant having sunken into the muck at the bottom.
Now my bedroom window overlooks at a parking lot, and I’m lucky to see so much as a stray cat.
Stay Tuned For Part 2 - Late Night Television Makes You Stupid, and Part3 - The Internet Is An Inescapable Pit of Despair.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
A Very Brady Quarterback Problem
After all these years, I had Boston pegged as a baseball town. Even during the current dynasty, the Patriots are usually good for page 3 of the sports section. Then Tom Brady got hurt, and al of that changed.
Every single conversation I have had this week, whether it be with a man, a woman, or a child has begun with some form of the question: “What do you think about Brady?” The second question, asked by those who really know me is always: “You’re happy about it, aren’t you?”
After careful consultation with my advisors, my official answer is this: No, I am not happy that the Brady is hurt, even if the Pats had it coming to them with the Spygate thing, and the running up the score every week thing. (Also I want to avoid that very same karmic retribution that felled Brady in the first place.) So I will take the high road, even though I wasn’t getting a whole hell of a lot of sympathy when Donovan McNabb was struggling with injuries over the past two seasons. Who could forget the hilarious halftime phone calls, or all of those truly thoughtful text messages at the worst possible times. Of course, the best part was that never-ending line of people at my desk the week before last years Pats / Eagles game, all of them wondering how I could ever possibly expect the Eagles not to get annihilated with AJ Feeley as their quarterback, as though it was my decision for McNabb to get hurt in the first place. So yes, I will continue to take the high road - I didn’t even send out the “How’s your undefeated season now, you motherf-----rs?” text message that I had prepared for just such an occasion. No bitterness here at all.
What I don’t understand is the utterly foolish way that the Patriots are handling the aftermath of Brady’s injury. Let me get this straight, Tom Brady goes down with a knee injury in game 1, so you’re going to go with Matt Cassell for the rest of the way? Are you serious? You’re not even going to sign a 3rd quarterback to the roster to replace him?!? Trust me, I have spent a lot of time in this position. As football goes a week between games, it gives fans a long time to talk themselves into certain delusions, like for instance, “Matt Cassell might not be that bad.” I know that because I have spent weeks of my life deluding myself into thinking the same thing about the AJ Feeley’s, and Mike McMahon‘s of the world. I have drank from the same cauldron of Kool-Aid that you are forcing down right now. I assure you that this brand of Kool-Aid will make you sick.
The Patriots have managed to assemble a collection of talent that went 16-0 last year - this is truly a team for the ages. There were very minor changes from last year, but for the most part, the team is intact. If ever a team was built to win RIGHT NOW, it’s this one. The right quarterback can keep this dynasty going, but Matt Cassell is not the right quarterback.
I have two theories about why the Patriots are taking this approach: an optimistic theory, and a pessimistic theory. The optimistic theory is that the team wants to protect Brady for next season. Let’s say the Patriots do bring in a half decent veteran quarterback to take his place (let’s call this hypothetical fellow “Veteran X“). There is a good chance that, with the weapons that at his disposal, Veteran X will have a solid season, probably leading the team to the playoffs, and perhaps even the Super Bowl. Brady, meanwhile, will need significant recovery time, and will probably not be fully healed until one full year has passed since the injury, meaning that the effects of the injury will linger into the 2009-10 season. Now, come next July, the team has a difficult decision - who do you name as the starting quarterback going into training camp? Brady, who will still be recovering? Or Veteran X, who will have presumably won over at least some of the fan base (and perhaps even some teammates). Even if he gets his starting job back, Brady will likely struggle at first, leading at least some of the fans and local media to call for Veteran X to play in his stead. All of a sudden, the team has a divisive quarterback controversy. Brady will ultimately win, but at what cost? The easiest way to avoid this mess is simply to prevent the addition of Veteran X. Again, if this is the Patriots rationale for not bringing in a veteran, it is a reasoned, far-seeing approach. The problem is, nobody knows what will happen tomorrow, and the Patriots are wasting a year in the lives of one of the greatest teams ever assembled. Don’t Randy Moss and Wes Welker deserve another legitimate shot at a Super Bowl title?
The pessimistic theory is that the Patriots will not pursue a quarterback because of Belichick’s ego. Much of the credit for the Patriot dynasty rightfully goes to Tom Brady; before Belichick crossed paths with Brady, his coaching record was 41-57. Before Brady crossed paths with Belichick, Brady won a National Championship at Michigan. If lightning can strike twice, if Belichick can turn Cassell into the next Brady, then he can show the world that he is an equal partner in the Patriot dynasty. The problem is that the odds are stacked firmly against him, and it’s a hell of a gamble for a team of this caliber to be taking.
The smart thing for the Patriots to do would be for them to work out a trade to get Jeff Garcia from the Bucs. Today. And even if Garcia does have a great year, he will also be 38 at the start of next season; it won’t be that hard to toss him out on his ass like every other NFL team has. If that doesn’t work, bring Daunte Culpepper in for a tryout, he still has talent, and you don‘t have to trade anything for him.) If that doesn’t work, they need to dangle a second round pick to the rest of the league and see who bites.
As Peter King mentioned last week, Brett Farve must be kicking himself right now. If he had just kept quiet and behaved himself last summer instead of intentionally trying to destroy the Packers from the inside, he would probably be the starting quarterback for the New England Patriots tomorrow.
___________
Of course, I can’t let an entry pass without talking about my Eagles. Last Sunday’s game against the Rams was one of the most stress free Eagles games that I have watched in years. The team played a near perfect game against a bad team, happily rendering much of my last blog entry irrelevant. I’ll break the game down very briefly:
The Good:
The coaching staff: They blended runs with passes, saw what was working on offense and took advantage of it, and took the starters out when the game was firmly in hand, thus avoiding any further inuries.
Desean Jackson (mostly): He had one of the best first games ever by a rookie receiver, contributing to both the offense and special teams. While he won’t catch anyone else by surprise, teams will have to account for him, hopefully taking some of the pressure off of Westbrook and McNabb.
The other rookies: Trevor Laws was able to put some serious pressure on Marc Bulger, Quentin Demps was nearly perfect on punt coverage, downing two punts within the Ram 5 yard line
The Bad:
Desean Jackson: He took too many big hits, and misplayed some punts. While he will be a vast improvement over Reno Mahe, he will make some punt-fielding mistakes that will end up costing this team. Also, unless he learns to do a better job of avoiding contact, he won’t make it past the halfway point of the season.
The Rams: They didn’t put up much of an effort. What came easily against the Rams will be far more difficult against the Cowboys.
Next week: The Cowboys. They dismantled the Browns on the road, and 15 of their 22 starters have gone to the Pro Bowl at one point in their career. Also, Jessica Simpson has it on good authority that the Cowboys will kick the Eagles butt’s.
Every single conversation I have had this week, whether it be with a man, a woman, or a child has begun with some form of the question: “What do you think about Brady?” The second question, asked by those who really know me is always: “You’re happy about it, aren’t you?”
After careful consultation with my advisors, my official answer is this: No, I am not happy that the Brady is hurt, even if the Pats had it coming to them with the Spygate thing, and the running up the score every week thing. (Also I want to avoid that very same karmic retribution that felled Brady in the first place.) So I will take the high road, even though I wasn’t getting a whole hell of a lot of sympathy when Donovan McNabb was struggling with injuries over the past two seasons. Who could forget the hilarious halftime phone calls, or all of those truly thoughtful text messages at the worst possible times. Of course, the best part was that never-ending line of people at my desk the week before last years Pats / Eagles game, all of them wondering how I could ever possibly expect the Eagles not to get annihilated with AJ Feeley as their quarterback, as though it was my decision for McNabb to get hurt in the first place. So yes, I will continue to take the high road - I didn’t even send out the “How’s your undefeated season now, you motherf-----rs?” text message that I had prepared for just such an occasion. No bitterness here at all.
What I don’t understand is the utterly foolish way that the Patriots are handling the aftermath of Brady’s injury. Let me get this straight, Tom Brady goes down with a knee injury in game 1, so you’re going to go with Matt Cassell for the rest of the way? Are you serious? You’re not even going to sign a 3rd quarterback to the roster to replace him?!? Trust me, I have spent a lot of time in this position. As football goes a week between games, it gives fans a long time to talk themselves into certain delusions, like for instance, “Matt Cassell might not be that bad.” I know that because I have spent weeks of my life deluding myself into thinking the same thing about the AJ Feeley’s, and Mike McMahon‘s of the world. I have drank from the same cauldron of Kool-Aid that you are forcing down right now. I assure you that this brand of Kool-Aid will make you sick.
The Patriots have managed to assemble a collection of talent that went 16-0 last year - this is truly a team for the ages. There were very minor changes from last year, but for the most part, the team is intact. If ever a team was built to win RIGHT NOW, it’s this one. The right quarterback can keep this dynasty going, but Matt Cassell is not the right quarterback.
I have two theories about why the Patriots are taking this approach: an optimistic theory, and a pessimistic theory. The optimistic theory is that the team wants to protect Brady for next season. Let’s say the Patriots do bring in a half decent veteran quarterback to take his place (let’s call this hypothetical fellow “Veteran X“). There is a good chance that, with the weapons that at his disposal, Veteran X will have a solid season, probably leading the team to the playoffs, and perhaps even the Super Bowl. Brady, meanwhile, will need significant recovery time, and will probably not be fully healed until one full year has passed since the injury, meaning that the effects of the injury will linger into the 2009-10 season. Now, come next July, the team has a difficult decision - who do you name as the starting quarterback going into training camp? Brady, who will still be recovering? Or Veteran X, who will have presumably won over at least some of the fan base (and perhaps even some teammates). Even if he gets his starting job back, Brady will likely struggle at first, leading at least some of the fans and local media to call for Veteran X to play in his stead. All of a sudden, the team has a divisive quarterback controversy. Brady will ultimately win, but at what cost? The easiest way to avoid this mess is simply to prevent the addition of Veteran X. Again, if this is the Patriots rationale for not bringing in a veteran, it is a reasoned, far-seeing approach. The problem is, nobody knows what will happen tomorrow, and the Patriots are wasting a year in the lives of one of the greatest teams ever assembled. Don’t Randy Moss and Wes Welker deserve another legitimate shot at a Super Bowl title?
The pessimistic theory is that the Patriots will not pursue a quarterback because of Belichick’s ego. Much of the credit for the Patriot dynasty rightfully goes to Tom Brady; before Belichick crossed paths with Brady, his coaching record was 41-57. Before Brady crossed paths with Belichick, Brady won a National Championship at Michigan. If lightning can strike twice, if Belichick can turn Cassell into the next Brady, then he can show the world that he is an equal partner in the Patriot dynasty. The problem is that the odds are stacked firmly against him, and it’s a hell of a gamble for a team of this caliber to be taking.
The smart thing for the Patriots to do would be for them to work out a trade to get Jeff Garcia from the Bucs. Today. And even if Garcia does have a great year, he will also be 38 at the start of next season; it won’t be that hard to toss him out on his ass like every other NFL team has. If that doesn’t work, bring Daunte Culpepper in for a tryout, he still has talent, and you don‘t have to trade anything for him.) If that doesn’t work, they need to dangle a second round pick to the rest of the league and see who bites.
As Peter King mentioned last week, Brett Farve must be kicking himself right now. If he had just kept quiet and behaved himself last summer instead of intentionally trying to destroy the Packers from the inside, he would probably be the starting quarterback for the New England Patriots tomorrow.
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Of course, I can’t let an entry pass without talking about my Eagles. Last Sunday’s game against the Rams was one of the most stress free Eagles games that I have watched in years. The team played a near perfect game against a bad team, happily rendering much of my last blog entry irrelevant. I’ll break the game down very briefly:
The Good:
The coaching staff: They blended runs with passes, saw what was working on offense and took advantage of it, and took the starters out when the game was firmly in hand, thus avoiding any further inuries.
Desean Jackson (mostly): He had one of the best first games ever by a rookie receiver, contributing to both the offense and special teams. While he won’t catch anyone else by surprise, teams will have to account for him, hopefully taking some of the pressure off of Westbrook and McNabb.
The other rookies: Trevor Laws was able to put some serious pressure on Marc Bulger, Quentin Demps was nearly perfect on punt coverage, downing two punts within the Ram 5 yard line
The Bad:
Desean Jackson: He took too many big hits, and misplayed some punts. While he will be a vast improvement over Reno Mahe, he will make some punt-fielding mistakes that will end up costing this team. Also, unless he learns to do a better job of avoiding contact, he won’t make it past the halfway point of the season.
The Rams: They didn’t put up much of an effort. What came easily against the Rams will be far more difficult against the Cowboys.
Next week: The Cowboys. They dismantled the Browns on the road, and 15 of their 22 starters have gone to the Pro Bowl at one point in their career. Also, Jessica Simpson has it on good authority that the Cowboys will kick the Eagles butt’s.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Better Late Than Never
I meant to have part 2 completed before the roster cutdown occurred, and certainly before they started playing regular season games; you can blame a busy (and very enjoyable) Labor Day weekend for my tardiness. So let’s briefly hit the defense, special teams, coaching staff, and then move to predictions for this week.
Defensive Line - Much like the offensive line, the defensive line looks good on paper, but just doesn’t produce the results that one would expect from such a collection of names. Mike Patterson and Broderick Bunkley start at defensive tackle. Both excel at stopping the run, but are not able to generate any consistent pass rush, combining for only 7 sacks last year. Defensive end Trent Cole is the current star of the defensive line, and is a great pass rusher. Unfortunately, he is undersized - teams can have success in wearing him down by running right at him. Also, because of the relative lack of pass rushing help from his linemates, teams can devote two, or even three blockers solely to him, knowing that none of the other starters will be able to take advantage of the resulting matchup problems; the rest of the team can be blocked by average players. Starting opposite Cole is Juqua Parker, who remains the fourth starter by process of elimination: both of the players brought in to take his job, Chris Clemons and Victor Abiamiri have been hurt in camp. Parker plays hard, but he never seems to make any plays, he is the proverbial runner whose legs move fast, but never seems to get anywhere Even more than its failure to get a good receiver, the team‘s failure to replace Parker with a good player may be the Eagles biggest failure of last postseason. Unless Parker develops into a much better player (unlikely, since he’s 30), or Clemons or Abiamiri recovers quickly, Cole will continue to get manhandled, opposing quarterbacks will be able to pass at will on an otherwise talented defense. The key for this unit is that someone, ANYONE must become a complimentary pass rusher.
Linebackers - Another reason for the delay in the entry is trying to figure out something to say, positive or negative, about the linebacking corps, because I just don‘t know anything about them. For most of this decade, the team has been unable to draft, develop, or acquire good linebackers - year after year, the Eagles would spend a draft choice on an undersized linebacker, hand him a starting job, and watch him inevitably fail, usually cutting them in mid season, (Matt McCoy, Quentin Caver, Mark Simoneau via trade). It would become a weekly ritual, watching teams probe the Eagle’s defense, finally discovering which of the pathetic linebackers the Eagles had turned to that particular week, and then running play after play in that direction, usually with great success. The three current starters are relative no-names: Omar Gaither, Stewart Bradley, and Chris Gocong. What we know about these players comes mostly from inverse deduction - for each of the current starters, the Eagles cut a better known player, and then handed them the starting job. They cut Jeremiah Trotter and gave his job to Omar Gaither, so Gaither must be as good as an iconic star who was arguably the heart of the defense, right? Matt McCoy was released, and they gave his job to Chris Gocong, so Gocong must be as good as a second round bust who was so non-descript that I was shocked to see that he started 16 games in 2006, right? Finally, they cut Takeo Spikes and gave his job to Stewart Bradley, so Bradley must at least as good as a overrated veteran who contributed nothing aside from having a fun name to say, right? Right now, I’m keeping my fingers crossed and hoping this group can play at an above average level, because with the exception of Trotter, “above average” would be a hell of a lot better of a description than anything I could have said about any of the players that have manned this position for the last 10 years or so.
Defensive Backs - Another unit that is giving me writers block, although one thing is abundantly clear - aside from the heath of McNabb and Westbrook, EVERYTHING hinges on the success of the defensive backfield. If they play well, the Eagles will make the playoffs, but if they play poorly, then the season is lost. Rather than devote a thousand words to every possible outcome (and you know I’m fully capable of doing it), I’ll just go with a best and worst case scenario for each of the key players.
Asante Samuel - best case: intercepts 8 passes, returning at least 2 for touchdowns, and justifies the Eagles signing him to a huge contract at a position that is a team strength. Worst case: Plagued by the hamstring injury that beset him for most of the summer, Samuels misses significant time. Alternative worst case scenario: Andy Reid still hasn’t learned that you should try to run out the clock when you’re winning the game, meaning that the defense will spend a lot of extra time on the field. Because of this, Samuel, used to playing for well coached teams, will run out of energy at the end of games and be burned repeatedly for game winning touchdowns.
Lito Sheppard - best case: embraces his new role as a reserve, taking advantage of the fact the he will ideally be paired against a team‘s 3rd or 4th best receiver, and reestablishes himself as a shutdown corner. Also, he make several big plays a game, and increases his trade value; finally, since Sheppard is very injury prone, playing less snaps will ensure that he stays on the field. Worst case: Sheppard continues mouthing off, allows the antichrist Drew Rosenhaus to manipulate him just as badly as he manipulated Terrell Owens, and then becomes TO, the sequel, forcing the team to trade him away or release him.
Brian Dawkins - best case: using his experience and intelligence, along with his unmatched intensity, he is able to compensate for his rapidly declining skills to remain as one of the better safeties if the NFL, and the heart of the defense. Worst case scenario - B-Dawk finally succumbs to age and injuries, leaving the defense rudderless.
Sheldon Brown - No best case scenario or worst case scenario for him - he is the most consistent Eagle of all, playing hard down after down, solid against the run and the pass, and generally being the unsung hero of the defense.
Special Teams: David Akers is getting old, and is no longer the cold-blooded assassin from recent years. The team should have looked a bit harder for a replacement in the off-season, as he will be good for at least two or three big misses this season.
Coaching: You all know what I’m going to say here, and I’m sure that I’ll cover it ad nauseum over the rest of the season.
Today’s game is against the St. Louis Rams. The Rams were the NFL’s superpower just as the Eagles were rising to prominence; now, as the Eagles run nears its end, the Rams find themselves at the bottom of the NFL. It should be a mismatch, right?
The biggest problem is that the Eagles ALWAYS fall flat on week one - they have only won three of the nine opening week games coached by Andy Reid, and one of those wins was against the Texans. (I took great pleasure in announcing this to all of my friends who took the Eagles in their knockout pools this week). This trend may simply be the result of overconfidence, or it may be because they are still worn down from the beating they took during training camp. Fortunately, neither of these should apply: the Eagles are coming off of an 8 - 8 season. Having worn away 8 seasons worth of goodwill last year, and with the city just itching to turn on them on a moment’s notice, they have nothing to be overconfident about. And the team wisely gave their veterans extra rest during training camp - it’s possible that the team could be more energetic than in recent weeks.
A problem is that the Rams few strengths match up well against the Eagles weaknesses; Steven Jackson is a big running back who should do well against the Eagles undersized defense. Marc Bulger is a veteran passer, and unless the Eagles can pressure him, he will be given plenty of time to pick apart a defense that can not generate a pass rush, especially since Orlando Pace will likely nullify Trent Cole‘s ability to get to the quarterback. Finally, the Eagles are missing both of their starting wide receivers. If past is indeed prologue, Andy Reid ignore the injuries, and will continue to use the same faulty game plan that he always uses, forcing the team to pass too often and calling plays for the team he wished that he had, not for the team he does have.
Based on talent and urgency (and a steady diet of short passes to Brian Westbrook), the Eagles should win, but it may be closer than it should be.
I’ll check back next week.
Defensive Line - Much like the offensive line, the defensive line looks good on paper, but just doesn’t produce the results that one would expect from such a collection of names. Mike Patterson and Broderick Bunkley start at defensive tackle. Both excel at stopping the run, but are not able to generate any consistent pass rush, combining for only 7 sacks last year. Defensive end Trent Cole is the current star of the defensive line, and is a great pass rusher. Unfortunately, he is undersized - teams can have success in wearing him down by running right at him. Also, because of the relative lack of pass rushing help from his linemates, teams can devote two, or even three blockers solely to him, knowing that none of the other starters will be able to take advantage of the resulting matchup problems; the rest of the team can be blocked by average players. Starting opposite Cole is Juqua Parker, who remains the fourth starter by process of elimination: both of the players brought in to take his job, Chris Clemons and Victor Abiamiri have been hurt in camp. Parker plays hard, but he never seems to make any plays, he is the proverbial runner whose legs move fast, but never seems to get anywhere Even more than its failure to get a good receiver, the team‘s failure to replace Parker with a good player may be the Eagles biggest failure of last postseason. Unless Parker develops into a much better player (unlikely, since he’s 30), or Clemons or Abiamiri recovers quickly, Cole will continue to get manhandled, opposing quarterbacks will be able to pass at will on an otherwise talented defense. The key for this unit is that someone, ANYONE must become a complimentary pass rusher.
Linebackers - Another reason for the delay in the entry is trying to figure out something to say, positive or negative, about the linebacking corps, because I just don‘t know anything about them. For most of this decade, the team has been unable to draft, develop, or acquire good linebackers - year after year, the Eagles would spend a draft choice on an undersized linebacker, hand him a starting job, and watch him inevitably fail, usually cutting them in mid season, (Matt McCoy, Quentin Caver, Mark Simoneau via trade). It would become a weekly ritual, watching teams probe the Eagle’s defense, finally discovering which of the pathetic linebackers the Eagles had turned to that particular week, and then running play after play in that direction, usually with great success. The three current starters are relative no-names: Omar Gaither, Stewart Bradley, and Chris Gocong. What we know about these players comes mostly from inverse deduction - for each of the current starters, the Eagles cut a better known player, and then handed them the starting job. They cut Jeremiah Trotter and gave his job to Omar Gaither, so Gaither must be as good as an iconic star who was arguably the heart of the defense, right? Matt McCoy was released, and they gave his job to Chris Gocong, so Gocong must be as good as a second round bust who was so non-descript that I was shocked to see that he started 16 games in 2006, right? Finally, they cut Takeo Spikes and gave his job to Stewart Bradley, so Bradley must at least as good as a overrated veteran who contributed nothing aside from having a fun name to say, right? Right now, I’m keeping my fingers crossed and hoping this group can play at an above average level, because with the exception of Trotter, “above average” would be a hell of a lot better of a description than anything I could have said about any of the players that have manned this position for the last 10 years or so.
Defensive Backs - Another unit that is giving me writers block, although one thing is abundantly clear - aside from the heath of McNabb and Westbrook, EVERYTHING hinges on the success of the defensive backfield. If they play well, the Eagles will make the playoffs, but if they play poorly, then the season is lost. Rather than devote a thousand words to every possible outcome (and you know I’m fully capable of doing it), I’ll just go with a best and worst case scenario for each of the key players.
Asante Samuel - best case: intercepts 8 passes, returning at least 2 for touchdowns, and justifies the Eagles signing him to a huge contract at a position that is a team strength. Worst case: Plagued by the hamstring injury that beset him for most of the summer, Samuels misses significant time. Alternative worst case scenario: Andy Reid still hasn’t learned that you should try to run out the clock when you’re winning the game, meaning that the defense will spend a lot of extra time on the field. Because of this, Samuel, used to playing for well coached teams, will run out of energy at the end of games and be burned repeatedly for game winning touchdowns.
Lito Sheppard - best case: embraces his new role as a reserve, taking advantage of the fact the he will ideally be paired against a team‘s 3rd or 4th best receiver, and reestablishes himself as a shutdown corner. Also, he make several big plays a game, and increases his trade value; finally, since Sheppard is very injury prone, playing less snaps will ensure that he stays on the field. Worst case: Sheppard continues mouthing off, allows the antichrist Drew Rosenhaus to manipulate him just as badly as he manipulated Terrell Owens, and then becomes TO, the sequel, forcing the team to trade him away or release him.
Brian Dawkins - best case: using his experience and intelligence, along with his unmatched intensity, he is able to compensate for his rapidly declining skills to remain as one of the better safeties if the NFL, and the heart of the defense. Worst case scenario - B-Dawk finally succumbs to age and injuries, leaving the defense rudderless.
Sheldon Brown - No best case scenario or worst case scenario for him - he is the most consistent Eagle of all, playing hard down after down, solid against the run and the pass, and generally being the unsung hero of the defense.
Special Teams: David Akers is getting old, and is no longer the cold-blooded assassin from recent years. The team should have looked a bit harder for a replacement in the off-season, as he will be good for at least two or three big misses this season.
Coaching: You all know what I’m going to say here, and I’m sure that I’ll cover it ad nauseum over the rest of the season.
Today’s game is against the St. Louis Rams. The Rams were the NFL’s superpower just as the Eagles were rising to prominence; now, as the Eagles run nears its end, the Rams find themselves at the bottom of the NFL. It should be a mismatch, right?
The biggest problem is that the Eagles ALWAYS fall flat on week one - they have only won three of the nine opening week games coached by Andy Reid, and one of those wins was against the Texans. (I took great pleasure in announcing this to all of my friends who took the Eagles in their knockout pools this week). This trend may simply be the result of overconfidence, or it may be because they are still worn down from the beating they took during training camp. Fortunately, neither of these should apply: the Eagles are coming off of an 8 - 8 season. Having worn away 8 seasons worth of goodwill last year, and with the city just itching to turn on them on a moment’s notice, they have nothing to be overconfident about. And the team wisely gave their veterans extra rest during training camp - it’s possible that the team could be more energetic than in recent weeks.
A problem is that the Rams few strengths match up well against the Eagles weaknesses; Steven Jackson is a big running back who should do well against the Eagles undersized defense. Marc Bulger is a veteran passer, and unless the Eagles can pressure him, he will be given plenty of time to pick apart a defense that can not generate a pass rush, especially since Orlando Pace will likely nullify Trent Cole‘s ability to get to the quarterback. Finally, the Eagles are missing both of their starting wide receivers. If past is indeed prologue, Andy Reid ignore the injuries, and will continue to use the same faulty game plan that he always uses, forcing the team to pass too often and calling plays for the team he wished that he had, not for the team he does have.
Based on talent and urgency (and a steady diet of short passes to Brian Westbrook), the Eagles should win, but it may be closer than it should be.
I’ll check back next week.
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