So here we are on the family room couch at 3:15 AM. I’ve given up any and all hope of falling asleep anytime soon, and chose to ignore the ever growing pile of books near my bed. No, instead, I have trudged all the way downstairs to flip on the TV. The purpose of this mission is to find something that could paradoxically be interesting enough to watch, but at the same time, boring enough to actually cause me to sleep. So here, for your reading pleasure, is the actual transcript of my television viewing for Wednesday morning at 3:15 AM on July 22, 2009.
Note to readers: obviously, this is not a comprehensive listing of all of my channels, because every single channel that I don’t mention below was showing an infomercial. Even the movie channels. Even the pay per view channels. For someone who watches so much television, I am both ignorant and spiteful of infomercials, as befits someone with a pile of unread books next to his bed. I had no idea about who Billy Mays was until Michael Jackson had him killed last month.
Without further ado, my spin around the dial:
ABC - Foreclosed Home Auctions in Your Area - The title to this one pretty much says it all. Oh look, a condo 4 doors down from me is on the market for $30,000 less than I paid for it! And unlike mine, it has a finished basement! And a new water heater! Why am I having shortness of breath right now?
Pay Per View Channel 159 - The Wiz Starring Michael Jackson for only $2.99! Okay, this is getting out of hand. I have to pay $2.99 for a movie that I could have gotten for free by digging through the dumpster in the back of the Netflix headquarters if I happened to be diving in said dumpster on or before June 24, 2009. I could buy two and a half of his songs from ITunes for that kind of scratch!
Pay Per View Channel 195 - Sport Slut Sessions - $10.95 and Pay Per View Channel 196 - Desperate MILF’s - $6.95 - How can they justify this age based price discrepancy?!? Looks like the Desperate MILF’s have a pretty good court case going here.
ESPN News - ESPN News - The most descriptively named channel on television; the name of the channel is also the name of its only show. This channel is like a kaleidoscope for men in their 20’s and 30’s. Lots of pretty colors that move around the screen, but no matter what direction you turn it, it’s just the same thing repeating itself again and again and again. Missed the 14 different angles of Lebron James’ slam dunk? Don’t worry, it’ll be on again in a half hour. Missed Stuart Scott making the same hackneyed catch phrase? Don’t worry, it’ll be on again in a half hour, and then again every day for the rest of your life.
Food Network - Ace of Cakes - Oooooh, a Lost Cake, featuring little cake figures of each member of the cast on a tiny cake island. The main ingredient is delayed gratification. And you have to wait 18 months between bites.
Reality Network - Punk’d with Ellen Pompeo. I have a great Grey’s Anatomy joke here, but that would betray the fact that I watch this show regularly.
AMC - In the Line of Fire - Wait, what? I’ve heard of this movie. I enjoy this movie! Clint Eastwood, John Malcovich,…this is more like it, I’ll just settle in and…wait, why is John Malcovich already in the banquet hall, putting together his plastic gun? It’s almost over?!? The ONE WATCHABLE THING I FIND ALL NIGHT AND IT ENDS AT 3 goddamn 20?!? Argggggggghhhhh.
Fit TV - Free Money - More specifically, the description is “Free Money For Americans.” It sounds like the subject line of a Nigerian scam e-mail.
History - Extreme Trains - The History Channel or its cousin, the Military Channel is usually one of my standby middle of the night channels, regaling me with tales of obscure Presidents like Chester A. Arthur, or stories of 18th century generals wiping out some indigenous tribe or another. Instead, tonight’s fare is “Extreme Trains.” Ummm, yeah, okay. I can work with this. Maybe it will be some old train from the Wild West, trailblazing its way to the frontier. Or a maybe its Japanese Bullet train…yeah, those are cool. Today’s exotic train is… the Acela.
Yes, the Acela. The one that runs from Boston to New York to Philly, and to other places south of Philadelphia that nobody cares about. Wow, the cable gods can’t even throw me a little bone tonight.
Channels 268, 270, 274, 302, 314, 322 - these are all playing the exact same Male Enhancement Vitamin Infomercial. I appreciate the thought, but no, I don‘t think so. I just told you in the last blog entry what happens when I try to wake my wife up
Bravo - West Wing - Is this the one where all of the characters engage in witty acronym filled dialogue while they weave through the hallways of the White House like the Harlem fucking Globetrotters without ever losing their train of thought? Or is it the one where Martin Sheen ends a fierce political standoff between bitter rivals with a wise pronouncement, not unlike a late 20th Century Ward Cleaver? Yes, I just made a West Wing joke. It’s 3:15 in the morning, people, I don’t have that much to work with!!!
Science Channel - World Without People. This is a “documentary” which posits the question of what would happen to the planet Earth if every single human being vanished in an instant. It explores what would happen to animals, natural wonders, etc., if those inconvenient humans weren’t roaming around, making a mess of everything. At first I enjoyed the premise. Then I realized something that I couldn’t get past. People don’t just disappear.
(No shit, Sherlock.)
What I mean by this is that the premise of this show is that every single person just vanished. Poof. Gone There are a lot of ways that the world can come to and end, some realistic, and some far fetched, and believe me, I have probably pondered every last one of them. But NONE of them involve all 6 billion human beings vanishing at once! It’s not realistic! I’m not interested in seeing another episode unless it shows me how all these clever animals and plants will be re-asserting their mastery of the Planet Earth while also dealing with the small matter of 6 billion disease ridden rotting corpses.
And another thing. If every single person did vanish suddenly, one of the first things that would happen is that every single nuclear power plant would simultaneously go into meltdown, irradiating every living thing on 7 continents right down to the cockroaches.
So forgive me for wanting to have my doomsday scenarios to be somewhat realistic.
Cartoon Network - ROBOT CHICKEN! - Yes! Finally something I can watch. For all of 10 minutes, because that’s how long the show lasts. For those of you who don’t know, it’s a show that uses stop motion animation of old action figures to play out humorous sketches. Much like every Hollywood movie of the last two summers (for further reference, see Jones, Indiana, and Formers, Trans) its real purpose is to corrupt every fond memory of those of us old enough to be members of Generation X. Tonight’s episode features a GI Joe figure sodomizing a Star Wars figure.
VH1 - The TO Show - Really? Now they’re just taunting me. I’m begging, BEGGING for something to watch, and I get a sitcom about the person who I LOATHE more than anyone. Is this the one where he does sit-ups in his driveway? Or the one where he OD’s in his basement? Thanks TV gods, I was wondering how I was going to come up with an ironic ending for this blog.
Good night.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Why I’m Writing At 3:15 AM
(The following is a new kind of experimental writing called “trying to get through a blog entry in less that 4000 words so that I can actually write more than 2 of these in a year.”)
As most of you who are acquainted with me know, I am an insomniac. Unfortunately, I am not the fun kind of insomniac, who stays up going strong for hours on end, shot gunning beers and brawling with all those who cross my path before finally petering out at 2 or 3 in the morning. I am the boring kind of insomniac, who tends to nod off in front of the television (or at the bar, or at a friends house) no later than 10:30 on a weeknight, and 10:45 on a weekend. But I’m also the creepy kind of insomniac, who wakes up like clockwork, at 3:15 AM, while virtually every single person that I know and love in the world, even those on the west coast, are sound asleep. To paraphrase Jeneen, few things are right with the world when you are awake at 3:15 AM.
What does one do when it’s 3:15 AM and you’re the only person in the entire world who is awake, you may ask? When I was younger, and the world was a simpler place, subterfuge was key. I would sneak out of my bedroom, careful not to wake my father, whose first instinct would be to pull out his trusty Baretta and unleash a barrage of bullets into the darkness, not caring whether it struck friend or foe or first born child. (Every white middle class kid has woken up to unexplained gunshots that seem to emanate from somewhere inside their own house at least once in their life, right? Right?!?)
But now I don’t live in my parents house. Since I own a house, and don’t really have any reason to sneak around anymore, much of the charm and romance of insomnia has worn off. Of course, with a cell phone and the ability to lie convincingly, there is no limit to the level of havoc that I can wreak on friends and loved ones when I am awake at this hour. But most of you are safe, except for my favorite target, who is, of course, my poor, long suffering wife. There she lies, so peaceful, so innocent, so unsuspecting of the fact that her continued peaceful sleep depends solely on my whim. Once, when we were young and in love, waking her is the middle of the night would bet me with only mind annoyance, if not outright amusement, and even gratitude for the chance to spend an occasional stolen hour together. But now, while we are still both in love, neither of us are young, and even my most gentle attempt to wake her up is met with a “You’re a fucking asshole” or “Why can’t you please please please just let me sleep for one night?”
Okay, I’ll \let her sleep…for now.
The bedroom window in my old apartment had a window, which overlooked a lake, and gave a wide open view of the night sky. It was a beautiful view, and the moon’s illumination of the lake gave a very clear picture of what went on outside my window. Occasionally, during a late night sojourn through the window, I’d spy someone walking a dog, or sneaking out for a cigarette. Once, however, I saw a old man climb the fence between the my apartment and the lake. After he climbed over, he left a white plastic hanger on the black iron fence to mark his passing, and then disappeared into the lake with a gentle splash. It was so surreal that I thought I dreamed it, but the hangar was still there the next morning, and due to the laziness of myself and the rest of the tenants, remained all through the winter and even the following spring, and for all I know, remains there to this day. As for the man? I’ll probably never really know, but if they ever dredge the bottom of that rancid lake, they’ll probably find that drowned dead vagrant having sunken into the muck at the bottom.
Now my bedroom window overlooks at a parking lot, and I’m lucky to see so much as a stray cat.
Stay Tuned For Part 2 - Late Night Television Makes You Stupid, and Part3 - The Internet Is An Inescapable Pit of Despair.
As most of you who are acquainted with me know, I am an insomniac. Unfortunately, I am not the fun kind of insomniac, who stays up going strong for hours on end, shot gunning beers and brawling with all those who cross my path before finally petering out at 2 or 3 in the morning. I am the boring kind of insomniac, who tends to nod off in front of the television (or at the bar, or at a friends house) no later than 10:30 on a weeknight, and 10:45 on a weekend. But I’m also the creepy kind of insomniac, who wakes up like clockwork, at 3:15 AM, while virtually every single person that I know and love in the world, even those on the west coast, are sound asleep. To paraphrase Jeneen, few things are right with the world when you are awake at 3:15 AM.
What does one do when it’s 3:15 AM and you’re the only person in the entire world who is awake, you may ask? When I was younger, and the world was a simpler place, subterfuge was key. I would sneak out of my bedroom, careful not to wake my father, whose first instinct would be to pull out his trusty Baretta and unleash a barrage of bullets into the darkness, not caring whether it struck friend or foe or first born child. (Every white middle class kid has woken up to unexplained gunshots that seem to emanate from somewhere inside their own house at least once in their life, right? Right?!?)
But now I don’t live in my parents house. Since I own a house, and don’t really have any reason to sneak around anymore, much of the charm and romance of insomnia has worn off. Of course, with a cell phone and the ability to lie convincingly, there is no limit to the level of havoc that I can wreak on friends and loved ones when I am awake at this hour. But most of you are safe, except for my favorite target, who is, of course, my poor, long suffering wife. There she lies, so peaceful, so innocent, so unsuspecting of the fact that her continued peaceful sleep depends solely on my whim. Once, when we were young and in love, waking her is the middle of the night would bet me with only mind annoyance, if not outright amusement, and even gratitude for the chance to spend an occasional stolen hour together. But now, while we are still both in love, neither of us are young, and even my most gentle attempt to wake her up is met with a “You’re a fucking asshole” or “Why can’t you please please please just let me sleep for one night?”
Okay, I’ll \let her sleep…for now.
The bedroom window in my old apartment had a window, which overlooked a lake, and gave a wide open view of the night sky. It was a beautiful view, and the moon’s illumination of the lake gave a very clear picture of what went on outside my window. Occasionally, during a late night sojourn through the window, I’d spy someone walking a dog, or sneaking out for a cigarette. Once, however, I saw a old man climb the fence between the my apartment and the lake. After he climbed over, he left a white plastic hanger on the black iron fence to mark his passing, and then disappeared into the lake with a gentle splash. It was so surreal that I thought I dreamed it, but the hangar was still there the next morning, and due to the laziness of myself and the rest of the tenants, remained all through the winter and even the following spring, and for all I know, remains there to this day. As for the man? I’ll probably never really know, but if they ever dredge the bottom of that rancid lake, they’ll probably find that drowned dead vagrant having sunken into the muck at the bottom.
Now my bedroom window overlooks at a parking lot, and I’m lucky to see so much as a stray cat.
Stay Tuned For Part 2 - Late Night Television Makes You Stupid, and Part3 - The Internet Is An Inescapable Pit of Despair.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
A Very Brady Quarterback Problem
After all these years, I had Boston pegged as a baseball town. Even during the current dynasty, the Patriots are usually good for page 3 of the sports section. Then Tom Brady got hurt, and al of that changed.
Every single conversation I have had this week, whether it be with a man, a woman, or a child has begun with some form of the question: “What do you think about Brady?” The second question, asked by those who really know me is always: “You’re happy about it, aren’t you?”
After careful consultation with my advisors, my official answer is this: No, I am not happy that the Brady is hurt, even if the Pats had it coming to them with the Spygate thing, and the running up the score every week thing. (Also I want to avoid that very same karmic retribution that felled Brady in the first place.) So I will take the high road, even though I wasn’t getting a whole hell of a lot of sympathy when Donovan McNabb was struggling with injuries over the past two seasons. Who could forget the hilarious halftime phone calls, or all of those truly thoughtful text messages at the worst possible times. Of course, the best part was that never-ending line of people at my desk the week before last years Pats / Eagles game, all of them wondering how I could ever possibly expect the Eagles not to get annihilated with AJ Feeley as their quarterback, as though it was my decision for McNabb to get hurt in the first place. So yes, I will continue to take the high road - I didn’t even send out the “How’s your undefeated season now, you motherf-----rs?” text message that I had prepared for just such an occasion. No bitterness here at all.
What I don’t understand is the utterly foolish way that the Patriots are handling the aftermath of Brady’s injury. Let me get this straight, Tom Brady goes down with a knee injury in game 1, so you’re going to go with Matt Cassell for the rest of the way? Are you serious? You’re not even going to sign a 3rd quarterback to the roster to replace him?!? Trust me, I have spent a lot of time in this position. As football goes a week between games, it gives fans a long time to talk themselves into certain delusions, like for instance, “Matt Cassell might not be that bad.” I know that because I have spent weeks of my life deluding myself into thinking the same thing about the AJ Feeley’s, and Mike McMahon‘s of the world. I have drank from the same cauldron of Kool-Aid that you are forcing down right now. I assure you that this brand of Kool-Aid will make you sick.
The Patriots have managed to assemble a collection of talent that went 16-0 last year - this is truly a team for the ages. There were very minor changes from last year, but for the most part, the team is intact. If ever a team was built to win RIGHT NOW, it’s this one. The right quarterback can keep this dynasty going, but Matt Cassell is not the right quarterback.
I have two theories about why the Patriots are taking this approach: an optimistic theory, and a pessimistic theory. The optimistic theory is that the team wants to protect Brady for next season. Let’s say the Patriots do bring in a half decent veteran quarterback to take his place (let’s call this hypothetical fellow “Veteran X“). There is a good chance that, with the weapons that at his disposal, Veteran X will have a solid season, probably leading the team to the playoffs, and perhaps even the Super Bowl. Brady, meanwhile, will need significant recovery time, and will probably not be fully healed until one full year has passed since the injury, meaning that the effects of the injury will linger into the 2009-10 season. Now, come next July, the team has a difficult decision - who do you name as the starting quarterback going into training camp? Brady, who will still be recovering? Or Veteran X, who will have presumably won over at least some of the fan base (and perhaps even some teammates). Even if he gets his starting job back, Brady will likely struggle at first, leading at least some of the fans and local media to call for Veteran X to play in his stead. All of a sudden, the team has a divisive quarterback controversy. Brady will ultimately win, but at what cost? The easiest way to avoid this mess is simply to prevent the addition of Veteran X. Again, if this is the Patriots rationale for not bringing in a veteran, it is a reasoned, far-seeing approach. The problem is, nobody knows what will happen tomorrow, and the Patriots are wasting a year in the lives of one of the greatest teams ever assembled. Don’t Randy Moss and Wes Welker deserve another legitimate shot at a Super Bowl title?
The pessimistic theory is that the Patriots will not pursue a quarterback because of Belichick’s ego. Much of the credit for the Patriot dynasty rightfully goes to Tom Brady; before Belichick crossed paths with Brady, his coaching record was 41-57. Before Brady crossed paths with Belichick, Brady won a National Championship at Michigan. If lightning can strike twice, if Belichick can turn Cassell into the next Brady, then he can show the world that he is an equal partner in the Patriot dynasty. The problem is that the odds are stacked firmly against him, and it’s a hell of a gamble for a team of this caliber to be taking.
The smart thing for the Patriots to do would be for them to work out a trade to get Jeff Garcia from the Bucs. Today. And even if Garcia does have a great year, he will also be 38 at the start of next season; it won’t be that hard to toss him out on his ass like every other NFL team has. If that doesn’t work, bring Daunte Culpepper in for a tryout, he still has talent, and you don‘t have to trade anything for him.) If that doesn’t work, they need to dangle a second round pick to the rest of the league and see who bites.
As Peter King mentioned last week, Brett Farve must be kicking himself right now. If he had just kept quiet and behaved himself last summer instead of intentionally trying to destroy the Packers from the inside, he would probably be the starting quarterback for the New England Patriots tomorrow.
___________
Of course, I can’t let an entry pass without talking about my Eagles. Last Sunday’s game against the Rams was one of the most stress free Eagles games that I have watched in years. The team played a near perfect game against a bad team, happily rendering much of my last blog entry irrelevant. I’ll break the game down very briefly:
The Good:
The coaching staff: They blended runs with passes, saw what was working on offense and took advantage of it, and took the starters out when the game was firmly in hand, thus avoiding any further inuries.
Desean Jackson (mostly): He had one of the best first games ever by a rookie receiver, contributing to both the offense and special teams. While he won’t catch anyone else by surprise, teams will have to account for him, hopefully taking some of the pressure off of Westbrook and McNabb.
The other rookies: Trevor Laws was able to put some serious pressure on Marc Bulger, Quentin Demps was nearly perfect on punt coverage, downing two punts within the Ram 5 yard line
The Bad:
Desean Jackson: He took too many big hits, and misplayed some punts. While he will be a vast improvement over Reno Mahe, he will make some punt-fielding mistakes that will end up costing this team. Also, unless he learns to do a better job of avoiding contact, he won’t make it past the halfway point of the season.
The Rams: They didn’t put up much of an effort. What came easily against the Rams will be far more difficult against the Cowboys.
Next week: The Cowboys. They dismantled the Browns on the road, and 15 of their 22 starters have gone to the Pro Bowl at one point in their career. Also, Jessica Simpson has it on good authority that the Cowboys will kick the Eagles butt’s.
Every single conversation I have had this week, whether it be with a man, a woman, or a child has begun with some form of the question: “What do you think about Brady?” The second question, asked by those who really know me is always: “You’re happy about it, aren’t you?”
After careful consultation with my advisors, my official answer is this: No, I am not happy that the Brady is hurt, even if the Pats had it coming to them with the Spygate thing, and the running up the score every week thing. (Also I want to avoid that very same karmic retribution that felled Brady in the first place.) So I will take the high road, even though I wasn’t getting a whole hell of a lot of sympathy when Donovan McNabb was struggling with injuries over the past two seasons. Who could forget the hilarious halftime phone calls, or all of those truly thoughtful text messages at the worst possible times. Of course, the best part was that never-ending line of people at my desk the week before last years Pats / Eagles game, all of them wondering how I could ever possibly expect the Eagles not to get annihilated with AJ Feeley as their quarterback, as though it was my decision for McNabb to get hurt in the first place. So yes, I will continue to take the high road - I didn’t even send out the “How’s your undefeated season now, you motherf-----rs?” text message that I had prepared for just such an occasion. No bitterness here at all.
What I don’t understand is the utterly foolish way that the Patriots are handling the aftermath of Brady’s injury. Let me get this straight, Tom Brady goes down with a knee injury in game 1, so you’re going to go with Matt Cassell for the rest of the way? Are you serious? You’re not even going to sign a 3rd quarterback to the roster to replace him?!? Trust me, I have spent a lot of time in this position. As football goes a week between games, it gives fans a long time to talk themselves into certain delusions, like for instance, “Matt Cassell might not be that bad.” I know that because I have spent weeks of my life deluding myself into thinking the same thing about the AJ Feeley’s, and Mike McMahon‘s of the world. I have drank from the same cauldron of Kool-Aid that you are forcing down right now. I assure you that this brand of Kool-Aid will make you sick.
The Patriots have managed to assemble a collection of talent that went 16-0 last year - this is truly a team for the ages. There were very minor changes from last year, but for the most part, the team is intact. If ever a team was built to win RIGHT NOW, it’s this one. The right quarterback can keep this dynasty going, but Matt Cassell is not the right quarterback.
I have two theories about why the Patriots are taking this approach: an optimistic theory, and a pessimistic theory. The optimistic theory is that the team wants to protect Brady for next season. Let’s say the Patriots do bring in a half decent veteran quarterback to take his place (let’s call this hypothetical fellow “Veteran X“). There is a good chance that, with the weapons that at his disposal, Veteran X will have a solid season, probably leading the team to the playoffs, and perhaps even the Super Bowl. Brady, meanwhile, will need significant recovery time, and will probably not be fully healed until one full year has passed since the injury, meaning that the effects of the injury will linger into the 2009-10 season. Now, come next July, the team has a difficult decision - who do you name as the starting quarterback going into training camp? Brady, who will still be recovering? Or Veteran X, who will have presumably won over at least some of the fan base (and perhaps even some teammates). Even if he gets his starting job back, Brady will likely struggle at first, leading at least some of the fans and local media to call for Veteran X to play in his stead. All of a sudden, the team has a divisive quarterback controversy. Brady will ultimately win, but at what cost? The easiest way to avoid this mess is simply to prevent the addition of Veteran X. Again, if this is the Patriots rationale for not bringing in a veteran, it is a reasoned, far-seeing approach. The problem is, nobody knows what will happen tomorrow, and the Patriots are wasting a year in the lives of one of the greatest teams ever assembled. Don’t Randy Moss and Wes Welker deserve another legitimate shot at a Super Bowl title?
The pessimistic theory is that the Patriots will not pursue a quarterback because of Belichick’s ego. Much of the credit for the Patriot dynasty rightfully goes to Tom Brady; before Belichick crossed paths with Brady, his coaching record was 41-57. Before Brady crossed paths with Belichick, Brady won a National Championship at Michigan. If lightning can strike twice, if Belichick can turn Cassell into the next Brady, then he can show the world that he is an equal partner in the Patriot dynasty. The problem is that the odds are stacked firmly against him, and it’s a hell of a gamble for a team of this caliber to be taking.
The smart thing for the Patriots to do would be for them to work out a trade to get Jeff Garcia from the Bucs. Today. And even if Garcia does have a great year, he will also be 38 at the start of next season; it won’t be that hard to toss him out on his ass like every other NFL team has. If that doesn’t work, bring Daunte Culpepper in for a tryout, he still has talent, and you don‘t have to trade anything for him.) If that doesn’t work, they need to dangle a second round pick to the rest of the league and see who bites.
As Peter King mentioned last week, Brett Farve must be kicking himself right now. If he had just kept quiet and behaved himself last summer instead of intentionally trying to destroy the Packers from the inside, he would probably be the starting quarterback for the New England Patriots tomorrow.
___________
Of course, I can’t let an entry pass without talking about my Eagles. Last Sunday’s game against the Rams was one of the most stress free Eagles games that I have watched in years. The team played a near perfect game against a bad team, happily rendering much of my last blog entry irrelevant. I’ll break the game down very briefly:
The Good:
The coaching staff: They blended runs with passes, saw what was working on offense and took advantage of it, and took the starters out when the game was firmly in hand, thus avoiding any further inuries.
Desean Jackson (mostly): He had one of the best first games ever by a rookie receiver, contributing to both the offense and special teams. While he won’t catch anyone else by surprise, teams will have to account for him, hopefully taking some of the pressure off of Westbrook and McNabb.
The other rookies: Trevor Laws was able to put some serious pressure on Marc Bulger, Quentin Demps was nearly perfect on punt coverage, downing two punts within the Ram 5 yard line
The Bad:
Desean Jackson: He took too many big hits, and misplayed some punts. While he will be a vast improvement over Reno Mahe, he will make some punt-fielding mistakes that will end up costing this team. Also, unless he learns to do a better job of avoiding contact, he won’t make it past the halfway point of the season.
The Rams: They didn’t put up much of an effort. What came easily against the Rams will be far more difficult against the Cowboys.
Next week: The Cowboys. They dismantled the Browns on the road, and 15 of their 22 starters have gone to the Pro Bowl at one point in their career. Also, Jessica Simpson has it on good authority that the Cowboys will kick the Eagles butt’s.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Better Late Than Never
I meant to have part 2 completed before the roster cutdown occurred, and certainly before they started playing regular season games; you can blame a busy (and very enjoyable) Labor Day weekend for my tardiness. So let’s briefly hit the defense, special teams, coaching staff, and then move to predictions for this week.
Defensive Line - Much like the offensive line, the defensive line looks good on paper, but just doesn’t produce the results that one would expect from such a collection of names. Mike Patterson and Broderick Bunkley start at defensive tackle. Both excel at stopping the run, but are not able to generate any consistent pass rush, combining for only 7 sacks last year. Defensive end Trent Cole is the current star of the defensive line, and is a great pass rusher. Unfortunately, he is undersized - teams can have success in wearing him down by running right at him. Also, because of the relative lack of pass rushing help from his linemates, teams can devote two, or even three blockers solely to him, knowing that none of the other starters will be able to take advantage of the resulting matchup problems; the rest of the team can be blocked by average players. Starting opposite Cole is Juqua Parker, who remains the fourth starter by process of elimination: both of the players brought in to take his job, Chris Clemons and Victor Abiamiri have been hurt in camp. Parker plays hard, but he never seems to make any plays, he is the proverbial runner whose legs move fast, but never seems to get anywhere Even more than its failure to get a good receiver, the team‘s failure to replace Parker with a good player may be the Eagles biggest failure of last postseason. Unless Parker develops into a much better player (unlikely, since he’s 30), or Clemons or Abiamiri recovers quickly, Cole will continue to get manhandled, opposing quarterbacks will be able to pass at will on an otherwise talented defense. The key for this unit is that someone, ANYONE must become a complimentary pass rusher.
Linebackers - Another reason for the delay in the entry is trying to figure out something to say, positive or negative, about the linebacking corps, because I just don‘t know anything about them. For most of this decade, the team has been unable to draft, develop, or acquire good linebackers - year after year, the Eagles would spend a draft choice on an undersized linebacker, hand him a starting job, and watch him inevitably fail, usually cutting them in mid season, (Matt McCoy, Quentin Caver, Mark Simoneau via trade). It would become a weekly ritual, watching teams probe the Eagle’s defense, finally discovering which of the pathetic linebackers the Eagles had turned to that particular week, and then running play after play in that direction, usually with great success. The three current starters are relative no-names: Omar Gaither, Stewart Bradley, and Chris Gocong. What we know about these players comes mostly from inverse deduction - for each of the current starters, the Eagles cut a better known player, and then handed them the starting job. They cut Jeremiah Trotter and gave his job to Omar Gaither, so Gaither must be as good as an iconic star who was arguably the heart of the defense, right? Matt McCoy was released, and they gave his job to Chris Gocong, so Gocong must be as good as a second round bust who was so non-descript that I was shocked to see that he started 16 games in 2006, right? Finally, they cut Takeo Spikes and gave his job to Stewart Bradley, so Bradley must at least as good as a overrated veteran who contributed nothing aside from having a fun name to say, right? Right now, I’m keeping my fingers crossed and hoping this group can play at an above average level, because with the exception of Trotter, “above average” would be a hell of a lot better of a description than anything I could have said about any of the players that have manned this position for the last 10 years or so.
Defensive Backs - Another unit that is giving me writers block, although one thing is abundantly clear - aside from the heath of McNabb and Westbrook, EVERYTHING hinges on the success of the defensive backfield. If they play well, the Eagles will make the playoffs, but if they play poorly, then the season is lost. Rather than devote a thousand words to every possible outcome (and you know I’m fully capable of doing it), I’ll just go with a best and worst case scenario for each of the key players.
Asante Samuel - best case: intercepts 8 passes, returning at least 2 for touchdowns, and justifies the Eagles signing him to a huge contract at a position that is a team strength. Worst case: Plagued by the hamstring injury that beset him for most of the summer, Samuels misses significant time. Alternative worst case scenario: Andy Reid still hasn’t learned that you should try to run out the clock when you’re winning the game, meaning that the defense will spend a lot of extra time on the field. Because of this, Samuel, used to playing for well coached teams, will run out of energy at the end of games and be burned repeatedly for game winning touchdowns.
Lito Sheppard - best case: embraces his new role as a reserve, taking advantage of the fact the he will ideally be paired against a team‘s 3rd or 4th best receiver, and reestablishes himself as a shutdown corner. Also, he make several big plays a game, and increases his trade value; finally, since Sheppard is very injury prone, playing less snaps will ensure that he stays on the field. Worst case: Sheppard continues mouthing off, allows the antichrist Drew Rosenhaus to manipulate him just as badly as he manipulated Terrell Owens, and then becomes TO, the sequel, forcing the team to trade him away or release him.
Brian Dawkins - best case: using his experience and intelligence, along with his unmatched intensity, he is able to compensate for his rapidly declining skills to remain as one of the better safeties if the NFL, and the heart of the defense. Worst case scenario - B-Dawk finally succumbs to age and injuries, leaving the defense rudderless.
Sheldon Brown - No best case scenario or worst case scenario for him - he is the most consistent Eagle of all, playing hard down after down, solid against the run and the pass, and generally being the unsung hero of the defense.
Special Teams: David Akers is getting old, and is no longer the cold-blooded assassin from recent years. The team should have looked a bit harder for a replacement in the off-season, as he will be good for at least two or three big misses this season.
Coaching: You all know what I’m going to say here, and I’m sure that I’ll cover it ad nauseum over the rest of the season.
Today’s game is against the St. Louis Rams. The Rams were the NFL’s superpower just as the Eagles were rising to prominence; now, as the Eagles run nears its end, the Rams find themselves at the bottom of the NFL. It should be a mismatch, right?
The biggest problem is that the Eagles ALWAYS fall flat on week one - they have only won three of the nine opening week games coached by Andy Reid, and one of those wins was against the Texans. (I took great pleasure in announcing this to all of my friends who took the Eagles in their knockout pools this week). This trend may simply be the result of overconfidence, or it may be because they are still worn down from the beating they took during training camp. Fortunately, neither of these should apply: the Eagles are coming off of an 8 - 8 season. Having worn away 8 seasons worth of goodwill last year, and with the city just itching to turn on them on a moment’s notice, they have nothing to be overconfident about. And the team wisely gave their veterans extra rest during training camp - it’s possible that the team could be more energetic than in recent weeks.
A problem is that the Rams few strengths match up well against the Eagles weaknesses; Steven Jackson is a big running back who should do well against the Eagles undersized defense. Marc Bulger is a veteran passer, and unless the Eagles can pressure him, he will be given plenty of time to pick apart a defense that can not generate a pass rush, especially since Orlando Pace will likely nullify Trent Cole‘s ability to get to the quarterback. Finally, the Eagles are missing both of their starting wide receivers. If past is indeed prologue, Andy Reid ignore the injuries, and will continue to use the same faulty game plan that he always uses, forcing the team to pass too often and calling plays for the team he wished that he had, not for the team he does have.
Based on talent and urgency (and a steady diet of short passes to Brian Westbrook), the Eagles should win, but it may be closer than it should be.
I’ll check back next week.
Defensive Line - Much like the offensive line, the defensive line looks good on paper, but just doesn’t produce the results that one would expect from such a collection of names. Mike Patterson and Broderick Bunkley start at defensive tackle. Both excel at stopping the run, but are not able to generate any consistent pass rush, combining for only 7 sacks last year. Defensive end Trent Cole is the current star of the defensive line, and is a great pass rusher. Unfortunately, he is undersized - teams can have success in wearing him down by running right at him. Also, because of the relative lack of pass rushing help from his linemates, teams can devote two, or even three blockers solely to him, knowing that none of the other starters will be able to take advantage of the resulting matchup problems; the rest of the team can be blocked by average players. Starting opposite Cole is Juqua Parker, who remains the fourth starter by process of elimination: both of the players brought in to take his job, Chris Clemons and Victor Abiamiri have been hurt in camp. Parker plays hard, but he never seems to make any plays, he is the proverbial runner whose legs move fast, but never seems to get anywhere Even more than its failure to get a good receiver, the team‘s failure to replace Parker with a good player may be the Eagles biggest failure of last postseason. Unless Parker develops into a much better player (unlikely, since he’s 30), or Clemons or Abiamiri recovers quickly, Cole will continue to get manhandled, opposing quarterbacks will be able to pass at will on an otherwise talented defense. The key for this unit is that someone, ANYONE must become a complimentary pass rusher.
Linebackers - Another reason for the delay in the entry is trying to figure out something to say, positive or negative, about the linebacking corps, because I just don‘t know anything about them. For most of this decade, the team has been unable to draft, develop, or acquire good linebackers - year after year, the Eagles would spend a draft choice on an undersized linebacker, hand him a starting job, and watch him inevitably fail, usually cutting them in mid season, (Matt McCoy, Quentin Caver, Mark Simoneau via trade). It would become a weekly ritual, watching teams probe the Eagle’s defense, finally discovering which of the pathetic linebackers the Eagles had turned to that particular week, and then running play after play in that direction, usually with great success. The three current starters are relative no-names: Omar Gaither, Stewart Bradley, and Chris Gocong. What we know about these players comes mostly from inverse deduction - for each of the current starters, the Eagles cut a better known player, and then handed them the starting job. They cut Jeremiah Trotter and gave his job to Omar Gaither, so Gaither must be as good as an iconic star who was arguably the heart of the defense, right? Matt McCoy was released, and they gave his job to Chris Gocong, so Gocong must be as good as a second round bust who was so non-descript that I was shocked to see that he started 16 games in 2006, right? Finally, they cut Takeo Spikes and gave his job to Stewart Bradley, so Bradley must at least as good as a overrated veteran who contributed nothing aside from having a fun name to say, right? Right now, I’m keeping my fingers crossed and hoping this group can play at an above average level, because with the exception of Trotter, “above average” would be a hell of a lot better of a description than anything I could have said about any of the players that have manned this position for the last 10 years or so.
Defensive Backs - Another unit that is giving me writers block, although one thing is abundantly clear - aside from the heath of McNabb and Westbrook, EVERYTHING hinges on the success of the defensive backfield. If they play well, the Eagles will make the playoffs, but if they play poorly, then the season is lost. Rather than devote a thousand words to every possible outcome (and you know I’m fully capable of doing it), I’ll just go with a best and worst case scenario for each of the key players.
Asante Samuel - best case: intercepts 8 passes, returning at least 2 for touchdowns, and justifies the Eagles signing him to a huge contract at a position that is a team strength. Worst case: Plagued by the hamstring injury that beset him for most of the summer, Samuels misses significant time. Alternative worst case scenario: Andy Reid still hasn’t learned that you should try to run out the clock when you’re winning the game, meaning that the defense will spend a lot of extra time on the field. Because of this, Samuel, used to playing for well coached teams, will run out of energy at the end of games and be burned repeatedly for game winning touchdowns.
Lito Sheppard - best case: embraces his new role as a reserve, taking advantage of the fact the he will ideally be paired against a team‘s 3rd or 4th best receiver, and reestablishes himself as a shutdown corner. Also, he make several big plays a game, and increases his trade value; finally, since Sheppard is very injury prone, playing less snaps will ensure that he stays on the field. Worst case: Sheppard continues mouthing off, allows the antichrist Drew Rosenhaus to manipulate him just as badly as he manipulated Terrell Owens, and then becomes TO, the sequel, forcing the team to trade him away or release him.
Brian Dawkins - best case: using his experience and intelligence, along with his unmatched intensity, he is able to compensate for his rapidly declining skills to remain as one of the better safeties if the NFL, and the heart of the defense. Worst case scenario - B-Dawk finally succumbs to age and injuries, leaving the defense rudderless.
Sheldon Brown - No best case scenario or worst case scenario for him - he is the most consistent Eagle of all, playing hard down after down, solid against the run and the pass, and generally being the unsung hero of the defense.
Special Teams: David Akers is getting old, and is no longer the cold-blooded assassin from recent years. The team should have looked a bit harder for a replacement in the off-season, as he will be good for at least two or three big misses this season.
Coaching: You all know what I’m going to say here, and I’m sure that I’ll cover it ad nauseum over the rest of the season.
Today’s game is against the St. Louis Rams. The Rams were the NFL’s superpower just as the Eagles were rising to prominence; now, as the Eagles run nears its end, the Rams find themselves at the bottom of the NFL. It should be a mismatch, right?
The biggest problem is that the Eagles ALWAYS fall flat on week one - they have only won three of the nine opening week games coached by Andy Reid, and one of those wins was against the Texans. (I took great pleasure in announcing this to all of my friends who took the Eagles in their knockout pools this week). This trend may simply be the result of overconfidence, or it may be because they are still worn down from the beating they took during training camp. Fortunately, neither of these should apply: the Eagles are coming off of an 8 - 8 season. Having worn away 8 seasons worth of goodwill last year, and with the city just itching to turn on them on a moment’s notice, they have nothing to be overconfident about. And the team wisely gave their veterans extra rest during training camp - it’s possible that the team could be more energetic than in recent weeks.
A problem is that the Rams few strengths match up well against the Eagles weaknesses; Steven Jackson is a big running back who should do well against the Eagles undersized defense. Marc Bulger is a veteran passer, and unless the Eagles can pressure him, he will be given plenty of time to pick apart a defense that can not generate a pass rush, especially since Orlando Pace will likely nullify Trent Cole‘s ability to get to the quarterback. Finally, the Eagles are missing both of their starting wide receivers. If past is indeed prologue, Andy Reid ignore the injuries, and will continue to use the same faulty game plan that he always uses, forcing the team to pass too often and calling plays for the team he wished that he had, not for the team he does have.
Based on talent and urgency (and a steady diet of short passes to Brian Westbrook), the Eagles should win, but it may be closer than it should be.
I’ll check back next week.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Oh yeah, I keep forgetting about that football thing.
My return to the blogging world has already stirred up controversy. While some have been outraged over my continuing hatred of the Shia-pet, others have asked why I didn’t start with a football entry, rather than one of my pseudo Entertainment Weekly movie bash pieces. Well, far be it from me to disappoint either of my readers, so let’s get with the football.
While most people daydream about summery things like sunshine and beaches, I spend my August nights dwelling on depth charts and injuries, and whatever happenings may be going on at the Eagles training camp in Lehigh. So let’s go through the positions, one by one, and try to get a glimpse of what’s going on with my favorite football team.
We’ll start with the offense, and my guesses as to who will crack the final 53 man roster:
Quarterback - There are only 3 quarterbacks in camp, and barring injury, all three will make this team. The best news for Eagles fans is that Donovan F. McNabb’s knee is healthy again, and he is throwing passes with author-i-tah. A healthy Donovan is a good Donovan. As you can tell by reading through my archives, I am a long time McNabb apologist. One reason for this is that McNabb and I are so similar, as anyone can easily see. Scoff if you will, but bear with me. He was introduced to the NFL in typical Philly fashion, booed as soon as his name was announced at the NFL draft. Right around the same time, I was being routinely booed by my law school professors at class every day.
Bonus law school fact: At Philadelphia area colleges, teachers will actually throw batteries at you for a wrong answer, or even a correct answer that isn‘t correct enough. Everyone knows the famous speech that professors give on the first day of a law school class: “Look at the person on the right of you, and look at the person on the left of you. Remember those faces, because in six months, I will have knocked at least one of you on your ass with this battery.”
Of course, Donovan and I have come a long way together over the last 9 years, as things got better for him, and better for me too. Over that time, he became a great quarterback, and because of that, had the Eagles playing at a higher level than they ever had before. And for me, those years have been among the happiest of my life, as I met the woman who would become my wife, and found a wonderful group of brilliant friends, all of whom continue to amaze and delight me every single day. So here we are now, both not quite at the brink of a big change, but close enough to see it clearly, and to know that the end of this particular chapter is much closer than the first page. It’s not a bad change, mind you, but a new beginning, its only sadness being that such a change represents a step away from the familiar, and for even the bravest among us, the unfamiliar is always strange. But it’s not quite that time yet. These years are still golden; and this chapter is not quite at an end.
Don‘t worry, I have very little sentimentality for the rest of this team. Kevin Kolb is the backup, and seems to have a great arm for such a young player. However, it’s difficult for me to have a sense of where he is. He‘s doing a decent job against second stringers, which is just what he‘s supposed to be doing. A.J. Feeley will be the third stringer, and is a player that I’ve never liked. Even when he reeled off a 4-1 run in 2002, he was basically the team custodian, being carried to wins by superior teammates. He almost changed my mind last season when he came close to leading the Eagles to a win against the then-undefeated Patriots. But then he choked at the end of the fourth quarter by throwing a moronic deep pass that was intercepted, even while L.J. Smith was wide open right in front of him. Oh, how I would have loved for the Eagles to have won that game and shut those Patriots fans up. The best thing about A.J. Feely is that someone was stupid enough to give the Eagles a second round pick for him. Three years later, they got him back for free. Let’s never speak of him again.
Quarterbacks that will make the team: (3) McNabb, Kolb, Feeley
Running Back - here’s where the numbers crunch starts. The Eagles are currently carrying 4 running backs - 1 superstar, and 3 players of relatively equal (though admittedly above average) talent. The superstar, is, of course, Brian Westbrook. Finally rewarded with a new contract, he is finally happy, at least for this year. Unfortunately, the problem with having Westbrook as your star is that he is a relatively fragile player; he will miss at least two games due to injury. Also, he takes time to get back into gear after an injury; he usually needs a game to get back to full speed for each game that he misses. (At the same time, it’s better to have a dinged up Westbrook than no Westbrook - defenses still have to account for him when he is on the field.) Still, let’s assume he misses two games, but also has two “slow” games. Essentially, the Eagles will be without contributions from their star for at least ¼ of the season, making the choice of backup critical. Because of injury concerns at other positions (and the potential need to use roster spots to keep injured players on the active roster), they probably can‘t keep 4 running backs. Correll Buckhalter is a sentimental favorite. Once a young star in the making, multiple knee injuries have made him a situational back, good for, at most, 8 - 10 carries per game. He’s a good complement to Westbrook, knows the offense, and is an asset in every phase of the game when is does get play. His main weakness is that he s not durable enough to be a starter - if Westbrook goes down, it would be madness to expect him to step right in; he would still have to be a complement to Westbrook’s replacement. Lorenzo Booker is the new flavor of the month. A rookie last year, the Eagles traded a 4th round pick to acquire him. So far, he’s been impressive in practice, not so much in games. A similar player to Westbrook, he could theoretically step in if Westbrook goes down, allowing them to run the same types of plays (screens, draws, etc.) that they would run with Westbrook. Ryan Moats is the forgotten man in Eagles camp. He is a talented runner, but he‘s in the wrong place at the wrong time; Booker is a similar player, except that he‘s younger, healthier, and cheaper. Barring injury, he’ll be among the final cuts.
Players that will make the team: (3) Westbrook, Buckhalter, Booker,
Fullback - This is an area where I am admittedly clueless. Andy Reid doesn’t like to use the fullback for anything other than run blocking and pass blocking, so it’s impossible to tell a good one from a bad one without micro analyzing every single play. One of my many problems with Andy Reid’s coaching is that he has actually used fullbacks to limit the offense: when the fullback is on the field, the opposing defense KNOWS that the fullback is not getting the ball, meaning that they only have one fewer offensive player to concern themselves with. If he would make some small attempt to give the fullback more often, it would relieve some of the pressure on the rest of the offense. I’m not saying they should give a fullback 30 carries per game, but would 3 or 4 really kill him? But as far who will make the team? I really don’t know. Tony Hunt was moved to fullback to help increase his odds of making the team, and to relieve the numbers crunch at the running back position, but he’s only played that position for a week or so - they may be forced into keeping another fullback in case the Hunt experiment doesn’t work out.
Players that will make the team (and this is a complete guess): (2) Hunt, and, I don’t know, Jason Davis?
Wide Receiver - Is there anything that causes me more angst than the Eagles wide receiver corps? Year in and year out, this is the team’s Achillies heel. The team’s refusal and / or inability to overspend to find a permanent solution to the receiver problem is the reason that they haven’t yet won the Super Bowl, the reason that Donovan McNabb can’t quite make his reservation for the Hall of Fame induction ceremony just yet, and the reason for many of my new gray hairs. Complicating matters was last week’s painful news that Kevin Curtis, the only true receiving bright spot since Terrell Owens’ departure, would miss a “significant” amount of time after a sports hernia operation. He was the only receiver that other teams had to worry about, and the only one who could be considered as a deep threat. While it may be easier for a receiver to recover from this type of injury to contribute during the season, I’m not holding my breath. Now, the team is left with 4 below average receivers, and 1 unproven rookie. Like with their running backs, the Eagles have a numbers glut at this position, except that the receivers are significantly less talented.
The other “starter” is Reggie Brown, who has also been out for most of the preseason with a bad hamstring, but will presumably return for the season opener. I think it’s time for all of us to be honest with ourselves and admit that Reggie Brown just isn’t very good. He has flashes, but then disappears for weeks at a time. He’ll make the team, and he’ll start, but I don’t know what he will contribute. Then there’s Hank Baskett, who looks like a good wide receiver, and sounds like a good receiver, and even blocks like a good receiver, but just isn’t a good receiver. Jason Avant is a nice 4th receiver, a possession type who can get open as long as he’s being covered by someone that is significantly slower than he is, but even an average defensive back will be able to shut him down. And we can‘t forget Greg Lewis. I remember one game last year when Lewis, filling in for an injured Kevin Curtis, turned in the game of his career - 12 catches, over 200 years receiving, and 4 touchdowns, The only problem? That wasn’t actually the real Greg Lewis, that was the Madden 2008 version of Greg Lewis. The real Greg Lewis’ main highlight from last year was his inability to cleanly field a punt against the Packers, causing the Eagles to lose the game. And finally, there is Desean Jackson, who has looked good as a rookie so far, and may be a playmaker for the team. Two problems - (1) he’s a rookie learning the most complicated passing offense in football, and (2) he’s 5’10, 175 pounds. Please tell me how he’s going to get through the season in one piece.
Players that will make the team (if Curtis does not go in IR): (6) Curtis, Brown, Baskett, Jackson, Avant, Lewis
Players that will make the team (if Curtis does go on IR): (6) Brown, Baskett, Jackson, Avant, Lewis, Bam Childress.
Tight End - this is relatively easy. LJ Smith, finally healthy after an injury marred season, is the clear starter. Given the lack of talent at wide receiver, Smith will likely return to his former role as favorite McNabb target of the non-Westbrook variety. Brett Celek is the number two tight end, and will get a lot of opportunities, again because of the lack of good wide receivers. The third tight end spot will come down to Kris Wilson versus Matt Schoebel, Even though I don’t really know who is winning that battle, I’ll say that Wilson stays, using the younger, cheaper, faster theory. John Dorenbos, the long snapper, is ostensibly a tight end, so I’ll list him here, even though he’s had as much time playing with the first unit offense as I did last year.
Players that will make the team: (4) Smith, Celek, Wilson, Dorenbos
Offensive Line - Another strange aspect of the Andy Reid era. Being fat himself, he loves large offensive lineman (it’s probably a self-esteem thing.) He has compiled a huge collection of 300 + pound monsters, perfect for running the football 30 times a game, right down the other team’s throat. Except that isn’t the Eagles offense. Instead, the Eagles run an offense based on short passes and misdirection, with a mobile quarterback, just the right fit for a smaller, more agile lineman. See the problem here? A big part of pass blocking is anticipating where the quarterback will be passing from, and keeping the defensive player from getting to that point. If the quarterback moves around (like McNabb does), then it becomes more difficult for a lineman to anticipate than movement, and react accordingly, especially if he is 350 pounds. It doesn’t mean the quarterback is bad, or even than the lineman is bad, it’s just that they are a poor fit for that offense. Along with bad play calling, this discrepancy is the reason the Eagles give up so many sacks when McNabb plays, and comparatively fewer when a more stationary backup (Jeff Garcia, Feeley, or the great Koy Detmer) are in the game. As for the players: the ever-present Tra Thomas will start at left tackle. Todd Herremans, although he has been substituting for Thomas at tackle for much of the pre-season, appears to have held off a challenge at the left guard position, and will retain his starting job. Jamal Jackson is secure at the center. Shawn Andrews has missed most of the preseason while suffering from depression, but seems to have returned well. And finally, Jon Runyan will return at right tackle, secure in the knowledge that Michael Strahan is safely retired for good, and can now only torment his nightmares.
Reid likes to usually go with 10 offensive lineman, a roster decision that has probably cost the Eagles some wins. In 2006, Andy went with 10 lineman, and decided to keep fewer defensive backs. When Lito Sheppard was injured during a September game against the Giants, the Eagles could not put 4 healthy defensive backs on the field, and the Giants could pass at will, leading to a painful Eagles loss. (An especially bitter game that is often referred in my archives, it also marked the end of the useful phase of Javon Keare’s career, and was the last time the Eagles ever generated anything resembling a pash rush.) The second time it cost him was 2007 - again, Reid went with 10 lineman, this time at the expense of not keeping any players on the roster who could actually field a punt - the result being that the Eagles fumbled two punts deep in their own territory, and lost the game. This year, Reid may not have a choice; he will likely have to keep injured players at other positions on the active roster (Curtis, Victor Abiamiri), which will reduce his ability to keep so many of his beloved linemen.
Players that will make the team: (9): Thomas, Herremans, Jackson, Andrews, Runyan, Max Jean-Giles, Nick Cole, King Dunlap, Winston Justice.
Next time - the defense (because I’m still waiting to see what happens with Brian Dawkins’ ankle.)
While most people daydream about summery things like sunshine and beaches, I spend my August nights dwelling on depth charts and injuries, and whatever happenings may be going on at the Eagles training camp in Lehigh. So let’s go through the positions, one by one, and try to get a glimpse of what’s going on with my favorite football team.
We’ll start with the offense, and my guesses as to who will crack the final 53 man roster:
Quarterback - There are only 3 quarterbacks in camp, and barring injury, all three will make this team. The best news for Eagles fans is that Donovan F. McNabb’s knee is healthy again, and he is throwing passes with author-i-tah. A healthy Donovan is a good Donovan. As you can tell by reading through my archives, I am a long time McNabb apologist. One reason for this is that McNabb and I are so similar, as anyone can easily see. Scoff if you will, but bear with me. He was introduced to the NFL in typical Philly fashion, booed as soon as his name was announced at the NFL draft. Right around the same time, I was being routinely booed by my law school professors at class every day.
Bonus law school fact: At Philadelphia area colleges, teachers will actually throw batteries at you for a wrong answer, or even a correct answer that isn‘t correct enough. Everyone knows the famous speech that professors give on the first day of a law school class: “Look at the person on the right of you, and look at the person on the left of you. Remember those faces, because in six months, I will have knocked at least one of you on your ass with this battery.”
Of course, Donovan and I have come a long way together over the last 9 years, as things got better for him, and better for me too. Over that time, he became a great quarterback, and because of that, had the Eagles playing at a higher level than they ever had before. And for me, those years have been among the happiest of my life, as I met the woman who would become my wife, and found a wonderful group of brilliant friends, all of whom continue to amaze and delight me every single day. So here we are now, both not quite at the brink of a big change, but close enough to see it clearly, and to know that the end of this particular chapter is much closer than the first page. It’s not a bad change, mind you, but a new beginning, its only sadness being that such a change represents a step away from the familiar, and for even the bravest among us, the unfamiliar is always strange. But it’s not quite that time yet. These years are still golden; and this chapter is not quite at an end.
Don‘t worry, I have very little sentimentality for the rest of this team. Kevin Kolb is the backup, and seems to have a great arm for such a young player. However, it’s difficult for me to have a sense of where he is. He‘s doing a decent job against second stringers, which is just what he‘s supposed to be doing. A.J. Feeley will be the third stringer, and is a player that I’ve never liked. Even when he reeled off a 4-1 run in 2002, he was basically the team custodian, being carried to wins by superior teammates. He almost changed my mind last season when he came close to leading the Eagles to a win against the then-undefeated Patriots. But then he choked at the end of the fourth quarter by throwing a moronic deep pass that was intercepted, even while L.J. Smith was wide open right in front of him. Oh, how I would have loved for the Eagles to have won that game and shut those Patriots fans up. The best thing about A.J. Feely is that someone was stupid enough to give the Eagles a second round pick for him. Three years later, they got him back for free. Let’s never speak of him again.
Quarterbacks that will make the team: (3) McNabb, Kolb, Feeley
Running Back - here’s where the numbers crunch starts. The Eagles are currently carrying 4 running backs - 1 superstar, and 3 players of relatively equal (though admittedly above average) talent. The superstar, is, of course, Brian Westbrook. Finally rewarded with a new contract, he is finally happy, at least for this year. Unfortunately, the problem with having Westbrook as your star is that he is a relatively fragile player; he will miss at least two games due to injury. Also, he takes time to get back into gear after an injury; he usually needs a game to get back to full speed for each game that he misses. (At the same time, it’s better to have a dinged up Westbrook than no Westbrook - defenses still have to account for him when he is on the field.) Still, let’s assume he misses two games, but also has two “slow” games. Essentially, the Eagles will be without contributions from their star for at least ¼ of the season, making the choice of backup critical. Because of injury concerns at other positions (and the potential need to use roster spots to keep injured players on the active roster), they probably can‘t keep 4 running backs. Correll Buckhalter is a sentimental favorite. Once a young star in the making, multiple knee injuries have made him a situational back, good for, at most, 8 - 10 carries per game. He’s a good complement to Westbrook, knows the offense, and is an asset in every phase of the game when is does get play. His main weakness is that he s not durable enough to be a starter - if Westbrook goes down, it would be madness to expect him to step right in; he would still have to be a complement to Westbrook’s replacement. Lorenzo Booker is the new flavor of the month. A rookie last year, the Eagles traded a 4th round pick to acquire him. So far, he’s been impressive in practice, not so much in games. A similar player to Westbrook, he could theoretically step in if Westbrook goes down, allowing them to run the same types of plays (screens, draws, etc.) that they would run with Westbrook. Ryan Moats is the forgotten man in Eagles camp. He is a talented runner, but he‘s in the wrong place at the wrong time; Booker is a similar player, except that he‘s younger, healthier, and cheaper. Barring injury, he’ll be among the final cuts.
Players that will make the team: (3) Westbrook, Buckhalter, Booker,
Fullback - This is an area where I am admittedly clueless. Andy Reid doesn’t like to use the fullback for anything other than run blocking and pass blocking, so it’s impossible to tell a good one from a bad one without micro analyzing every single play. One of my many problems with Andy Reid’s coaching is that he has actually used fullbacks to limit the offense: when the fullback is on the field, the opposing defense KNOWS that the fullback is not getting the ball, meaning that they only have one fewer offensive player to concern themselves with. If he would make some small attempt to give the fullback more often, it would relieve some of the pressure on the rest of the offense. I’m not saying they should give a fullback 30 carries per game, but would 3 or 4 really kill him? But as far who will make the team? I really don’t know. Tony Hunt was moved to fullback to help increase his odds of making the team, and to relieve the numbers crunch at the running back position, but he’s only played that position for a week or so - they may be forced into keeping another fullback in case the Hunt experiment doesn’t work out.
Players that will make the team (and this is a complete guess): (2) Hunt, and, I don’t know, Jason Davis?
Wide Receiver - Is there anything that causes me more angst than the Eagles wide receiver corps? Year in and year out, this is the team’s Achillies heel. The team’s refusal and / or inability to overspend to find a permanent solution to the receiver problem is the reason that they haven’t yet won the Super Bowl, the reason that Donovan McNabb can’t quite make his reservation for the Hall of Fame induction ceremony just yet, and the reason for many of my new gray hairs. Complicating matters was last week’s painful news that Kevin Curtis, the only true receiving bright spot since Terrell Owens’ departure, would miss a “significant” amount of time after a sports hernia operation. He was the only receiver that other teams had to worry about, and the only one who could be considered as a deep threat. While it may be easier for a receiver to recover from this type of injury to contribute during the season, I’m not holding my breath. Now, the team is left with 4 below average receivers, and 1 unproven rookie. Like with their running backs, the Eagles have a numbers glut at this position, except that the receivers are significantly less talented.
The other “starter” is Reggie Brown, who has also been out for most of the preseason with a bad hamstring, but will presumably return for the season opener. I think it’s time for all of us to be honest with ourselves and admit that Reggie Brown just isn’t very good. He has flashes, but then disappears for weeks at a time. He’ll make the team, and he’ll start, but I don’t know what he will contribute. Then there’s Hank Baskett, who looks like a good wide receiver, and sounds like a good receiver, and even blocks like a good receiver, but just isn’t a good receiver. Jason Avant is a nice 4th receiver, a possession type who can get open as long as he’s being covered by someone that is significantly slower than he is, but even an average defensive back will be able to shut him down. And we can‘t forget Greg Lewis. I remember one game last year when Lewis, filling in for an injured Kevin Curtis, turned in the game of his career - 12 catches, over 200 years receiving, and 4 touchdowns, The only problem? That wasn’t actually the real Greg Lewis, that was the Madden 2008 version of Greg Lewis. The real Greg Lewis’ main highlight from last year was his inability to cleanly field a punt against the Packers, causing the Eagles to lose the game. And finally, there is Desean Jackson, who has looked good as a rookie so far, and may be a playmaker for the team. Two problems - (1) he’s a rookie learning the most complicated passing offense in football, and (2) he’s 5’10, 175 pounds. Please tell me how he’s going to get through the season in one piece.
Players that will make the team (if Curtis does not go in IR): (6) Curtis, Brown, Baskett, Jackson, Avant, Lewis
Players that will make the team (if Curtis does go on IR): (6) Brown, Baskett, Jackson, Avant, Lewis, Bam Childress.
Tight End - this is relatively easy. LJ Smith, finally healthy after an injury marred season, is the clear starter. Given the lack of talent at wide receiver, Smith will likely return to his former role as favorite McNabb target of the non-Westbrook variety. Brett Celek is the number two tight end, and will get a lot of opportunities, again because of the lack of good wide receivers. The third tight end spot will come down to Kris Wilson versus Matt Schoebel, Even though I don’t really know who is winning that battle, I’ll say that Wilson stays, using the younger, cheaper, faster theory. John Dorenbos, the long snapper, is ostensibly a tight end, so I’ll list him here, even though he’s had as much time playing with the first unit offense as I did last year.
Players that will make the team: (4) Smith, Celek, Wilson, Dorenbos
Offensive Line - Another strange aspect of the Andy Reid era. Being fat himself, he loves large offensive lineman (it’s probably a self-esteem thing.) He has compiled a huge collection of 300 + pound monsters, perfect for running the football 30 times a game, right down the other team’s throat. Except that isn’t the Eagles offense. Instead, the Eagles run an offense based on short passes and misdirection, with a mobile quarterback, just the right fit for a smaller, more agile lineman. See the problem here? A big part of pass blocking is anticipating where the quarterback will be passing from, and keeping the defensive player from getting to that point. If the quarterback moves around (like McNabb does), then it becomes more difficult for a lineman to anticipate than movement, and react accordingly, especially if he is 350 pounds. It doesn’t mean the quarterback is bad, or even than the lineman is bad, it’s just that they are a poor fit for that offense. Along with bad play calling, this discrepancy is the reason the Eagles give up so many sacks when McNabb plays, and comparatively fewer when a more stationary backup (Jeff Garcia, Feeley, or the great Koy Detmer) are in the game. As for the players: the ever-present Tra Thomas will start at left tackle. Todd Herremans, although he has been substituting for Thomas at tackle for much of the pre-season, appears to have held off a challenge at the left guard position, and will retain his starting job. Jamal Jackson is secure at the center. Shawn Andrews has missed most of the preseason while suffering from depression, but seems to have returned well. And finally, Jon Runyan will return at right tackle, secure in the knowledge that Michael Strahan is safely retired for good, and can now only torment his nightmares.
Reid likes to usually go with 10 offensive lineman, a roster decision that has probably cost the Eagles some wins. In 2006, Andy went with 10 lineman, and decided to keep fewer defensive backs. When Lito Sheppard was injured during a September game against the Giants, the Eagles could not put 4 healthy defensive backs on the field, and the Giants could pass at will, leading to a painful Eagles loss. (An especially bitter game that is often referred in my archives, it also marked the end of the useful phase of Javon Keare’s career, and was the last time the Eagles ever generated anything resembling a pash rush.) The second time it cost him was 2007 - again, Reid went with 10 lineman, this time at the expense of not keeping any players on the roster who could actually field a punt - the result being that the Eagles fumbled two punts deep in their own territory, and lost the game. This year, Reid may not have a choice; he will likely have to keep injured players at other positions on the active roster (Curtis, Victor Abiamiri), which will reduce his ability to keep so many of his beloved linemen.
Players that will make the team: (9): Thomas, Herremans, Jackson, Andrews, Runyan, Max Jean-Giles, Nick Cole, King Dunlap, Winston Justice.
Next time - the defense (because I’m still waiting to see what happens with Brian Dawkins’ ankle.)
Sunday, August 17, 2008
The Cure For Writers Block
The summer can be a difficult time to write a blog. Most of what I enjoy writing about occurs during the fall or the winter, like new television shows, or football games. The last few months have been particularly barren, with the Eagles being too pathetic to write about, and the writers strike taking away much of the spring television schedule. The only truly worthwhile shows from the spring were Lost and Battlestar Galactica, and I couldn't write about those, because at least half of my target audience hasn't even caught up with the most recent episodes of either show on their DVR's. (You know who you are, my two first named friend.) I did buy a house, and there many, MANY hilarious things to write about that, except that this blog entry would probably be admissible in the resulting divorce proceedings.
Why don't I write about the Olympics, you may ask? Call me an unpatriotic, but aside from the fact that I now understand how my grandparents must have felt watching the 1936 Berlin Olympics, I can't really get into it. Also, I'm starting to realize the similarities between Olympic events and the recent wave of "extreme" obstacle course game shows. When it comes down to it, is there really a huge difference between using a pole to propel yourself over a stationary bar and trying to avoid being hit by a punching glove machine while wearing a fat suit? I don't think so. Eight gold medals are nice, but until Michael Phelps proves to all of us that he can ride a unicycle up a flight of steps in under two minutes while weightlifters in unitards throw styrofoam projectiles at him, then count me as unimpressed.
Bonus Olympic fact - the number one Olympic related search on Google is "the black thing on Kerri Walsh's shoulder."
See? It's been a boring few months, and I haven't really done or seen anything worth writing about. Well, wait a second, I did see a couple of movies, like for instance…
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
(Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, there's nothing that breaks up an 11 month case of writers block than an overhyped summer movie!)
As we discussed last summer, Hollywood has discovered a new formula for success: Let's take a familiar character or idea that Justin remembers fondly from his childhood. Then, let's take every cliched movie idea from the last 20 years, put them onto a dartboard, randomly throw darts at it, and use the results to make a script. Of course, we have to make sure to make the characters 40% stupider than before, so that they can become cartoonish parodies of themselves and are able to believe this nonsensical plot we've cobbled together. Then, we can throw in some admittedly impressive looking special effects (even if they really have nothing to do with the story, but are merely eye candy to distract the viewer from the total lack of plot). Finally, let's find a Gen-Y star of limited talent who plays the exact same character in every single role, shoehorn him into a story that would be EXACTLY THE SAME without him, and proceed to shove him down the collective throats of a public too distracted by shiny flying saucers to recognize how truly awful he really is.
(We meet again, Shia Lebouf, You truly are the devil's imp.)
Bonus hack director fact: According to imdb.com, "Michael Bay is a close friend of George Lucas, from whom he often seeks advice."
Was it as bad as Transformers? Of course not, nothing that ever happened is that bad. But I also didn't have the same expectations going into Transformers that I did for IJ. Last summer, I knew the risks going in; I was actually paying money to go into a Michael Bay movie. Thou shalt reap what thou hast sown. But Kingdom of the Crystal Skull should have been better; consider the source material: one was adapted from a half hour toy advertisement masquerading as a cartoon, and the other was taken from arguably one of the best movies of the last 30 years, and a classic film by any account. Sure, there were some problems with those sequels. The next film, Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom was pretty much the same movie as The Goonies. I sometimes get them mixed up - if I remember correctly, the plot of that movie involved Indiana Jones going to rescue the Goonies after the Fratelli gang had enslaved them in a child labor camp, and Sloth ripped out Chunk's still beating heart. I think.
Bonus Oscar Fact: Jonathan Ke Quan, playing "Data" in the Goonies, and "Short Round" in the Temple of Doom, did not receive a Best Supporting Actor nomination for either role. (Thanks again to the indispensable IMDB!)
The franchise recovered nicely with Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade. It wasn't as good as the original, but still a fun and enjoyable movie - again, my recollection is shaky, but I do remember Indiana Jones throwing a German general out of a blimp at one point. Also, Sean Connery managed to destroy the entire German Air Force with an umbrella and three pigeons, thus allowing the Allied forces to land safely at Normandy during D-Day. Or something like that.
I wasn't expecting a classic, but fun and enjoyable is something they could have shot for, right?
I'll get the easy parts out of the way first and tell you what I did like. Early in the movie, during a scuffle with the Russians in the Area 57 warehouse, a non descript crate was accidentally smashed open, revealing the Ark of the Covenant, from Raiders of the Lost Ark. It was a nice moment, and briefly encouraging to see that George Lucas and Steven Spielberg did actually have some passing familiarity with that first movie. Unfortunately, Indiana Jones himself did not seem to remember that first movie, otherwise, he could have ripped the top off of the Ark, covered his eyes, and waited ten minutes for the Russians to melt into a big pile of goo, thereby ending the movie, giving me two hours back, and saving the world from ever having to discover the execrable Mutt Williams as portrayed by Shia LaBeouf. Ah, what could have been.
Something else I liked: a few minutes later, after surviving a nuclear explosion by hiding inside a refrigerator, the silhouetted Indy observes the resulting mushroom cloud from a safe distance. It was an iconic image, an example of a moment that great filmmakers can create, even if it was only the result of a fortuitous combination of a ridiculous plot point and brilliant special effects. Of course, getting to that point was the result of a series of events that juuuuuust slightly stretched audience credibility. Just read that first sentence again.
He was at the epicenter of a hydrogen bomb explosion.
He hid in a refrigerator.
He survived the explosion.
The refrigerator was hurled into the air, crashing miles away.
He survived the impact.
Then, he walked miles to safety through a nuclear irradiated wasteland without even a runny f---ing nose to show for it!
…
If nothing else, this movie taught me that if there is any type of nuclear crisis in the future, I can just go hide out in the refrigerator, staying pleasantly free of radiation, having only to worry about finishing the milk before it goes bad.
Of course, there were things that I didn't like as much:
Indiana Jones is not only older, but getting soft in his old age. Whenever I hear my pacifist, gun hating wife saying "Just shoot him already," then I know things are not well.
Karen Allen, reprising her role as Marion Ravenwood, was apparently so happy to be in an actual movie that she was unable to convey any sort of emotion besides bemused wonderment. I hope that if I'm ever drowning in quicksand or about to plunge off of a waterfall, I can be that happy too.
Cate Blanchett, playing the standard she-communist dominatrix, was just not very good. This might be the most difficult part of the entire blog entry, because I sincerely believe that Cate Blanchett is perfect. Even questioning her imperfection makes me uncomfortable. Let's move on.
Shia Lebouf swinging from vines through the jungle. It's an utter waste to even try to describe that. It's only redeeming value was that it made the nuclear explosion seem believable by comparison.
And finally, the crystal skulls. That's the best they could think of? Who cares about a stupid crystal skull? Even as a child, I could grasp the importance of an Ark of the Covenant (and it sure made Moses seem a lot more kick-ass.) There are plenty of other quasi-mythical questions that could have made sense as the plot of the movie: whether Atlantis existed, whether Bigfoot is real, or what's really going on with Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson. They could have even made it about the secret message hidden in the Mona Lisa that uncovers a vast conspiracy within the Catholic Church that goes back two thousand years.
On second thought, nobody would ever believe that last one.
Why don't I write about the Olympics, you may ask? Call me an unpatriotic, but aside from the fact that I now understand how my grandparents must have felt watching the 1936 Berlin Olympics, I can't really get into it. Also, I'm starting to realize the similarities between Olympic events and the recent wave of "extreme" obstacle course game shows. When it comes down to it, is there really a huge difference between using a pole to propel yourself over a stationary bar and trying to avoid being hit by a punching glove machine while wearing a fat suit? I don't think so. Eight gold medals are nice, but until Michael Phelps proves to all of us that he can ride a unicycle up a flight of steps in under two minutes while weightlifters in unitards throw styrofoam projectiles at him, then count me as unimpressed.
Bonus Olympic fact - the number one Olympic related search on Google is "the black thing on Kerri Walsh's shoulder."
See? It's been a boring few months, and I haven't really done or seen anything worth writing about. Well, wait a second, I did see a couple of movies, like for instance…
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
(Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, there's nothing that breaks up an 11 month case of writers block than an overhyped summer movie!)
As we discussed last summer, Hollywood has discovered a new formula for success: Let's take a familiar character or idea that Justin remembers fondly from his childhood. Then, let's take every cliched movie idea from the last 20 years, put them onto a dartboard, randomly throw darts at it, and use the results to make a script. Of course, we have to make sure to make the characters 40% stupider than before, so that they can become cartoonish parodies of themselves and are able to believe this nonsensical plot we've cobbled together. Then, we can throw in some admittedly impressive looking special effects (even if they really have nothing to do with the story, but are merely eye candy to distract the viewer from the total lack of plot). Finally, let's find a Gen-Y star of limited talent who plays the exact same character in every single role, shoehorn him into a story that would be EXACTLY THE SAME without him, and proceed to shove him down the collective throats of a public too distracted by shiny flying saucers to recognize how truly awful he really is.
(We meet again, Shia Lebouf, You truly are the devil's imp.)
Bonus hack director fact: According to imdb.com, "Michael Bay is a close friend of George Lucas, from whom he often seeks advice."
Was it as bad as Transformers? Of course not, nothing that ever happened is that bad. But I also didn't have the same expectations going into Transformers that I did for IJ. Last summer, I knew the risks going in; I was actually paying money to go into a Michael Bay movie. Thou shalt reap what thou hast sown. But Kingdom of the Crystal Skull should have been better; consider the source material: one was adapted from a half hour toy advertisement masquerading as a cartoon, and the other was taken from arguably one of the best movies of the last 30 years, and a classic film by any account. Sure, there were some problems with those sequels. The next film, Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom was pretty much the same movie as The Goonies. I sometimes get them mixed up - if I remember correctly, the plot of that movie involved Indiana Jones going to rescue the Goonies after the Fratelli gang had enslaved them in a child labor camp, and Sloth ripped out Chunk's still beating heart. I think.
Bonus Oscar Fact: Jonathan Ke Quan, playing "Data" in the Goonies, and "Short Round" in the Temple of Doom, did not receive a Best Supporting Actor nomination for either role. (Thanks again to the indispensable IMDB!)
The franchise recovered nicely with Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade. It wasn't as good as the original, but still a fun and enjoyable movie - again, my recollection is shaky, but I do remember Indiana Jones throwing a German general out of a blimp at one point. Also, Sean Connery managed to destroy the entire German Air Force with an umbrella and three pigeons, thus allowing the Allied forces to land safely at Normandy during D-Day. Or something like that.
I wasn't expecting a classic, but fun and enjoyable is something they could have shot for, right?
I'll get the easy parts out of the way first and tell you what I did like. Early in the movie, during a scuffle with the Russians in the Area 57 warehouse, a non descript crate was accidentally smashed open, revealing the Ark of the Covenant, from Raiders of the Lost Ark. It was a nice moment, and briefly encouraging to see that George Lucas and Steven Spielberg did actually have some passing familiarity with that first movie. Unfortunately, Indiana Jones himself did not seem to remember that first movie, otherwise, he could have ripped the top off of the Ark, covered his eyes, and waited ten minutes for the Russians to melt into a big pile of goo, thereby ending the movie, giving me two hours back, and saving the world from ever having to discover the execrable Mutt Williams as portrayed by Shia LaBeouf. Ah, what could have been.
Something else I liked: a few minutes later, after surviving a nuclear explosion by hiding inside a refrigerator, the silhouetted Indy observes the resulting mushroom cloud from a safe distance. It was an iconic image, an example of a moment that great filmmakers can create, even if it was only the result of a fortuitous combination of a ridiculous plot point and brilliant special effects. Of course, getting to that point was the result of a series of events that juuuuuust slightly stretched audience credibility. Just read that first sentence again.
He was at the epicenter of a hydrogen bomb explosion.
He hid in a refrigerator.
He survived the explosion.
The refrigerator was hurled into the air, crashing miles away.
He survived the impact.
Then, he walked miles to safety through a nuclear irradiated wasteland without even a runny f---ing nose to show for it!
…
If nothing else, this movie taught me that if there is any type of nuclear crisis in the future, I can just go hide out in the refrigerator, staying pleasantly free of radiation, having only to worry about finishing the milk before it goes bad.
Of course, there were things that I didn't like as much:
Indiana Jones is not only older, but getting soft in his old age. Whenever I hear my pacifist, gun hating wife saying "Just shoot him already," then I know things are not well.
Karen Allen, reprising her role as Marion Ravenwood, was apparently so happy to be in an actual movie that she was unable to convey any sort of emotion besides bemused wonderment. I hope that if I'm ever drowning in quicksand or about to plunge off of a waterfall, I can be that happy too.
Cate Blanchett, playing the standard she-communist dominatrix, was just not very good. This might be the most difficult part of the entire blog entry, because I sincerely believe that Cate Blanchett is perfect. Even questioning her imperfection makes me uncomfortable. Let's move on.
Shia Lebouf swinging from vines through the jungle. It's an utter waste to even try to describe that. It's only redeeming value was that it made the nuclear explosion seem believable by comparison.
And finally, the crystal skulls. That's the best they could think of? Who cares about a stupid crystal skull? Even as a child, I could grasp the importance of an Ark of the Covenant (and it sure made Moses seem a lot more kick-ass.) There are plenty of other quasi-mythical questions that could have made sense as the plot of the movie: whether Atlantis existed, whether Bigfoot is real, or what's really going on with Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson. They could have even made it about the secret message hidden in the Mona Lisa that uncovers a vast conspiracy within the Catholic Church that goes back two thousand years.
On second thought, nobody would ever believe that last one.
A Sporting Apocalypse (originally posted on September 29, 2007)
In his column last week. Bill Simmons of espn.com stated that this weekend could be a Philly Sports Apocalypse, with both the Phillies and Eagles having critical games on Saturday and Sunday. The Phillies postseason hopes will be decided during a 3 game series with the Washington Nationals, while the Eagles face a critical early season divisional contest against the New York Giants on Sunday night - a loss in that game will put a serious dent in their playoff hopes.
I don't write much about the Phillies, not because I don't care about them, but because it's mostly just too painful. Fourteen years ago, Joe Carter crushed a home run off of a Mitch Williams pitch to cost the Phillies the World Series, and the city of Philadelphia never really forgave them (nor did a certain seventeen year old kid who is known to hold a grudge.) For most of the next decade, the team was simply terrible, compounding its losing ways by trading away stars like Curt Schilling and Scott Rolen for pennies on the dollar. Such moves were often prompted by financial considerations (i.e. trying to run a baseball team on the cheap). The city known for wearing its heart on its sleeve had an unusual reaction - the rage in their hearts simply flickered out, and the city just stopped caring about the Phillies. (Don't worry, we had plenty of other targets for our hatefulness.) Philadelphia has always been a great baseball town, but in the late 1990's, baseball in Philadelphia was slowly dying; at one point, the Phillies were on the short list of teams marked for contraction by Major League Baseball.
To its credit, the organization recognized the situations, and made changes - cleaning house in the front office, spending money (sometimes stupidly), building a new stadium - they were finally making an effort. The team was reinvented into an exciting (yet frustrating) all hitting / no pitching team of sluggers, recapturing our attention with a three straight second place finishes, and recapturing our hearts with a dramatic September surge to chase down the New York Mets, a.k.a the third best team that money can buy (after the Yankees and Red Sox, of course).
Which brings us to today - Saturday, September 29th, 2007 - the Phillies sit a half game ahead of the Mets in first place in the National League East. This is the Phillies high water mark, the latest they have been in first place since that fateful 1993 season. So far, I've watched Adam Eaton get pulled in the second inning, Jimmy Rollins get picked off first base, and four pitching changes in five innings; not encouraging signs. As I write this, they trail 4 - 0 to start the 8th inning; perhaps the high water mark is starting to recede. The half game lead is likely to become a zero game lead, and they will likely enter tomorrow, the last game of the season, tied with the Mets.
Meanwhile, the Eagles are playing the Giants at the Meadowlands on Sunday. Both teams are 1-2; the loser of this game will probably be knocked out of playoff contention. The Eagles have some momentum for the first time this season, having scored 8 touchdowns in a 56 - 21 shellacking of the Detroit Lions. However, they may be without five starters, four of whom are Pro Bowl players - Brian Westbrook, L.J. Smith, William Thomas, Lito Sheppard, and Brian Dawkins. Westbrook and Thomas were victims of the coaching staff, having been left in last week's game long after the issue had been decided, and suffering relatively meaningless injuries as a result.
A breakdown of last week.
The good:
Virtually everything the offense did - They scored eight touchdowns, ran well, passed well, blocked well, even coached well.
The coaching staff - they called a good mix of runs and passes - everything worked perfectly.
Donovan McNabb - I knew it wasn't quite time to give up on the old guy - the best quarterback in Eagles history played what was the best statistical game of his career.
Kevin Curtis - mea culpa, Kevin Curtis, mea maxima culpa. You proved me completely wrong, turning in one of the great games by a receiver in Eagles history. If you can pull the same thing off against the Giants…well, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
The defensive line - for the 3rd straight game, they generated a fearsome pass rush, tallying 9 total sacks.
The bad:
The coaching staff - They really had to make a statement, didn't they? Because the 49 - 21 lead just wasn't secure enough, they had to keep the offensive starters in the game well into the fourth quarter to get that critical eighth touchdown. I'm glad you made your point, coach, because it cost you two Pro Bowlers for the Giants game.
William James and Josellio Hansen - the backup Eagles corners, getting additional playing time because of the injury to Lito Sheppard, managed to allow John Kitna to look like Johnny Unitas. This week, they play against a pretty good quarterback in Eli Manning. Unless the Eagles can generate some serious pass rush again this week, Manning will make short work of the Eagles secondary.
The injuries: McNabb's performance notwithstanding, Westbrook has carried this team for the first 3 games - 100 of McNabb's 382 passing yards on Sunday were courtesy of Westbrook, and his absence will allow the Giants to securely cover an already suspect receiving corps. Correll Buckhalter is a solid backup, but he's just not as good as Westbrook. William Thomas's injury leaves Donovan McNabb's blind side unprotected, and he'll be replaced by Winston Justice, who has all of 1 start under his belt.
Often when the Eagles play bad games, either Westbrook or Dawkins make a big play and bail them out of a tough situation; the team will not be able to depend on them tomorrow. For the Eagles to win, all of the following must happen: Curtis and Buckhalter MUST play well. Justice MUST do a credible job of protecting McNabb. The defense MUST generate enough pass rush to prevent Eli Manning from picking apart the rest of the defense at will. Too many of those "MUST's" depend on unproven players, and the team will struggle tomorrow.
So, if you're keeping score, to keep their season alive, the Phillies not only need to beat the Nationals, they need the Mets to lose to the Marlins. The Eagles, to keep their season alive, need to beat the Giants without 4 of their best players.
The sound you're hearing is my heart in my throat. We're used to having our sports seasons ending cruelly - but it isn't often that two seasons come crashing down on our heads on the same day.
I don't write much about the Phillies, not because I don't care about them, but because it's mostly just too painful. Fourteen years ago, Joe Carter crushed a home run off of a Mitch Williams pitch to cost the Phillies the World Series, and the city of Philadelphia never really forgave them (nor did a certain seventeen year old kid who is known to hold a grudge.) For most of the next decade, the team was simply terrible, compounding its losing ways by trading away stars like Curt Schilling and Scott Rolen for pennies on the dollar. Such moves were often prompted by financial considerations (i.e. trying to run a baseball team on the cheap). The city known for wearing its heart on its sleeve had an unusual reaction - the rage in their hearts simply flickered out, and the city just stopped caring about the Phillies. (Don't worry, we had plenty of other targets for our hatefulness.) Philadelphia has always been a great baseball town, but in the late 1990's, baseball in Philadelphia was slowly dying; at one point, the Phillies were on the short list of teams marked for contraction by Major League Baseball.
To its credit, the organization recognized the situations, and made changes - cleaning house in the front office, spending money (sometimes stupidly), building a new stadium - they were finally making an effort. The team was reinvented into an exciting (yet frustrating) all hitting / no pitching team of sluggers, recapturing our attention with a three straight second place finishes, and recapturing our hearts with a dramatic September surge to chase down the New York Mets, a.k.a the third best team that money can buy (after the Yankees and Red Sox, of course).
Which brings us to today - Saturday, September 29th, 2007 - the Phillies sit a half game ahead of the Mets in first place in the National League East. This is the Phillies high water mark, the latest they have been in first place since that fateful 1993 season. So far, I've watched Adam Eaton get pulled in the second inning, Jimmy Rollins get picked off first base, and four pitching changes in five innings; not encouraging signs. As I write this, they trail 4 - 0 to start the 8th inning; perhaps the high water mark is starting to recede. The half game lead is likely to become a zero game lead, and they will likely enter tomorrow, the last game of the season, tied with the Mets.
Meanwhile, the Eagles are playing the Giants at the Meadowlands on Sunday. Both teams are 1-2; the loser of this game will probably be knocked out of playoff contention. The Eagles have some momentum for the first time this season, having scored 8 touchdowns in a 56 - 21 shellacking of the Detroit Lions. However, they may be without five starters, four of whom are Pro Bowl players - Brian Westbrook, L.J. Smith, William Thomas, Lito Sheppard, and Brian Dawkins. Westbrook and Thomas were victims of the coaching staff, having been left in last week's game long after the issue had been decided, and suffering relatively meaningless injuries as a result.
A breakdown of last week.
The good:
Virtually everything the offense did - They scored eight touchdowns, ran well, passed well, blocked well, even coached well.
The coaching staff - they called a good mix of runs and passes - everything worked perfectly.
Donovan McNabb - I knew it wasn't quite time to give up on the old guy - the best quarterback in Eagles history played what was the best statistical game of his career.
Kevin Curtis - mea culpa, Kevin Curtis, mea maxima culpa. You proved me completely wrong, turning in one of the great games by a receiver in Eagles history. If you can pull the same thing off against the Giants…well, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
The defensive line - for the 3rd straight game, they generated a fearsome pass rush, tallying 9 total sacks.
The bad:
The coaching staff - They really had to make a statement, didn't they? Because the 49 - 21 lead just wasn't secure enough, they had to keep the offensive starters in the game well into the fourth quarter to get that critical eighth touchdown. I'm glad you made your point, coach, because it cost you two Pro Bowlers for the Giants game.
William James and Josellio Hansen - the backup Eagles corners, getting additional playing time because of the injury to Lito Sheppard, managed to allow John Kitna to look like Johnny Unitas. This week, they play against a pretty good quarterback in Eli Manning. Unless the Eagles can generate some serious pass rush again this week, Manning will make short work of the Eagles secondary.
The injuries: McNabb's performance notwithstanding, Westbrook has carried this team for the first 3 games - 100 of McNabb's 382 passing yards on Sunday were courtesy of Westbrook, and his absence will allow the Giants to securely cover an already suspect receiving corps. Correll Buckhalter is a solid backup, but he's just not as good as Westbrook. William Thomas's injury leaves Donovan McNabb's blind side unprotected, and he'll be replaced by Winston Justice, who has all of 1 start under his belt.
Often when the Eagles play bad games, either Westbrook or Dawkins make a big play and bail them out of a tough situation; the team will not be able to depend on them tomorrow. For the Eagles to win, all of the following must happen: Curtis and Buckhalter MUST play well. Justice MUST do a credible job of protecting McNabb. The defense MUST generate enough pass rush to prevent Eli Manning from picking apart the rest of the defense at will. Too many of those "MUST's" depend on unproven players, and the team will struggle tomorrow.
So, if you're keeping score, to keep their season alive, the Phillies not only need to beat the Nationals, they need the Mets to lose to the Marlins. The Eagles, to keep their season alive, need to beat the Giants without 4 of their best players.
The sound you're hearing is my heart in my throat. We're used to having our sports seasons ending cruelly - but it isn't often that two seasons come crashing down on our heads on the same day.
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